We all float down here..

I received an email this morning, in response to this post, accusing me of "sexualizing" my godsdaughter because "five year olds shouldn't know what genitals are."

By that age, they already know what genitals are, but may not know what to call them and wind up making up words like "hoo hoo" or "pee pee". E.'s parents made the decision not to retard their daughter's language skills, and taught her proper medical terminology when she began to ask about body parts. They also decided to make an effort not to instill her with any sort of sense of shame or embarrassment about the human body. Which is the right and proper way to raise a child.

The amount of stupidity in that email has surpassed my ability to deal with it in a civil manner. So I'm not answering it. I will, instead, create a list:

Other Things Bug Has Been Taught That Five Year Olds "Aren't Old Enough To Know"

The difference between pie and pi.
The digits of pi to six places.
If you can't prove it, it isn't fact, it's faith.
... Just because it's faith doesn't make it "wrong".
How to cold process and hot process soap.
How to make homemade noodles.
The difference between factory farming and ranch farming.
What arthropods and isopods are.
Proper taxonomic ranks of scientific classification.
... That butterflies and moths are in the Order Lepidoptera.
The difference between the Triassic, Jurassic, and Cretaceous periods.
... That those three periods make up the Mesozoic Era.
Closet monsters can be slain with a high powered LED maglight.
...and if the beam of light doesn't kill it, bashing it over the head with the maglight will do the trick.
Why you use cold butter in pie crusts but softened butter in chocolate chip cookies.
What Dios de las Muertos is.
Potatoes make vodka.
... Vodka makes ink and medicine.
Soylent Green is People.
... Soy Sauce is not made from Soylent Green.
... Planting soy beans will not make a baby grow.
Penicillin comes from bread mold.
Why Dr. Elizabeth Garrett Anderson was awesome.
Sin lies only in hurting others unnecessarily. All other "sins" are invented nonsense. (-Lazarus Long, Robert Heinlein)
Keep your booger hooker off the bang button.
... Reaching out to insolently touch a gun will still get your hands slapped hard.
"Fuck" can be an adjective, a verb, or a noun - and it is never polite to say, though sometimes it is necessary.
... Words like "Nigger", "Spick", "Wetback", "Chink", "Redskin", "Faggot" are bad words and Mama, Papa, and Aunt T will come down with the thundering wrath of pissed-off gods on you or anyone else they hear saying them.
Homosexual != bad, sinful, wrong, unnatural - but bigotry is.
Going to Hell doesn't happen by accident - you have to work at being a really, truly awful person to go there.
Sometimes, death has no reason, it just happens.
Praying: Can't hurt, might help.
... I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

There are more. This is all I can think of, off the top of my head.

S is traveling down the East Coast, through hill country. She'll be riding through some Silent Hill style creepiness. (and yes, I am jealous.)

S, you are not allowed to:

1. Be eaten by a skinless dog.
2. Be abducted by hill folk.
3. Be worshiped as either a religious idol or alien or elf.
4. Collect the souls of the weak.
5. Run away to become a moonshiner hiding from the Revenue.
6. Learn to play the banjo. EVER!
7. Eat the souls of the weak. (Stay out of Waffle House.)
8. Become a victim of hoodoo.
9. Explore abandoned hospitals or asylums. (Unless you bring the steel pipe.)
10. Be attacked by vampire bats.
11. .. or vampire anythings.
12. say "Hey, that looks like a shortcut.."
13. Spend the night in abandoned anything.
14. Offer a ride to a stranger in a long, dark coat.
15. Steal Acadians. No matter how tall they are.
16. Change name to 'Sookeh'.
17. Pronounce 'Bill' with more than one syllable.
18. Become the obsession of a 7' Nordic vampire. ... No, wait, that one is on the 'can do' list.
19. say, "I wonder where everyone went.."
20. Run upstairs away from a machete-wielding maniac.
21. Be the machete-wielding maniac.
22. Decide the faces of hitchhikers would make lovely art-deco, wearable masks if properly peeled and tanned.
23. .. sell them on Etsy.
24. get bitten by a hemorrhagic fever-contagious monkey.
25. go looking for abnormally large: sharks, alligators, pythons, spiders.
26. Have any limbs become independently possessed by evil spirits.
27. Possess anyone else as an evil spirit.
28. Attend a tent revival.
29. Fall in an abandoned well.
30. Become the bride of an evil warlock.
31. .. become the evil warlock.
32. Summon any of the Elder Gods.
33. Search for Blackbeard's treasure.
34. Become possessed by the spirit of a Civil War plantation owner's daughter and go on a quest for the reincarnated soul of your long lost lover.
35. Have any sort of breakdown near a corn field.

(Dear That Guy: And you think I never allow YOU to have any fun.)

1. Referring to boss as 'Yo, Big Man!'
2. Use alphabet soup in the form of 'Yo, Big Man! Got the 411 on the QBR, FTW!'
3. ... Especially not when the CEO is in his office. Even if he thought it was funny.
4. Referring to Bitchy!Paralegal as a Mucking 4-on out loud.
5. Humming of Disturbed songs.
6. Humming of It's A Small World.
7. Singing of It's A Small World.
8. Replace the decaf office tea with yerba matte ever again.
9. ... Even if noone but me drinks it.
10. ... ESPECIALLY if noone but me drinks it.
10. Give the office machinery names.
11. ... and then argue with them.
12. Telling one of the V.P.'s that his tie is a festering, obnoxious eyesore that should be burned as an aesthetic blight.
13. Express that one of the attorneys was looking 'particularly gangster'. (as in Capone, not Snoop Dawg)
14. Print out swine flu office mandates on paper with festive smiling pink pigs around the border.
15. Suggest a particularly impressionable fellow employee lick a handful of Purell hand sanitizer.
16. Have an air war with cans of compressed air.
17. Addend the "Have you washed your hands?" signs in the bathroom with "Because if you didn't, you're on the side of TERRORISTS and likely to catch and spread SWINE FLU!" and another smiling piggy border.
18. Punch keys on the copier to make them beep in the tune of Jingle Bells.
19. Threaten to 'go Office Space' on the fax machine.
20. Have zombie pandemic magazine covers leftover from the Haunted House hung on walls of cube.
21. Fall anywhere inconvenient, like on the brand new multipurpose office machine.
22. Change coworker's password to a swearword.
23. ... Or anyone else's password.
24. Respond in Russian with Cyrillic font to annoying corporate surveys.
25. Suggest that everybody disco when the emergency response strobe lights go off. (Remember the impressionable coworker? Yeah.)
26. Respond to a third-party request from Bitchy!Paralegal with "OFF WITH HER HEAD!"
27. Hopscotch on the shuffleboard area.
28. ... Encourage others to hopscotch on the shuffleboard area.
29. ..... Especially not during a vendor orientation tour.
30. IM my boss with things that will make him laugh during a conference call.
31. ...Even if they weren't meant to be funny.
32. Refer to an evil murdering bastard out loud as an evil murdering bastard, even if he is.
33. Threaten to invade Audit floor with silly string and a parade of clowns if they don't finalize my document request in a reasonable amount of time.
34. Wear scent that makes me smell like "a pastry".
35. Build voodoo dolls of people I don't like with malleable erasers and stick them full of T-pins.
36. Chant. Ever.
37. Tilt the bad, tacky art on the walls ever so slightly to see who straightens it.
38. Colour code an online time chart with neon and blink tags and marquee scrolling text.
39. Use 5pt font. Ever.
40. Forcibly switch Boss to caffeine free diet coke.
41. ... Even if his wife tells me to.
42. Decline meeting invites with "Likely to cause bowel irritation" as the comment.
43. Decline meeting invites due to pressing bocce ball commitments.
44. Amuse self by changing speed on transcription machine to 145% so attorneys sound like Chipmunks.
45. Throw horns when we do something cool.
46. Distract department with pictures of precious white and yellow bitty bats.
47. Mime conversations with the window washers outside.
48. Use the page function on the phone for nefarious purposes.
49. Use any other office gadget for nefarious purposes.
50. Bring in my own gadgetry specifically for the purpose of engaging in nefarious purposes.

.. It's gonna be a loooooooooooooooong week.

1. Everyone has the right to fuck up their own life in whatever manner they see fit.
2. I am not legally or morally responsible for my actions before I've had a shower in the morning.
3. A rose by any other name is still the reproductive organ of a thorny shrub. AKA - sugarcoated shit still leaves a foul aftertaste. Tell it bang, Sparky.
4. People are stupid, but sometimes they'll surprise you.
5. If I don't trust you, you don't exist in my world. If I do trust you, I'd take a bullet for you. If you abuse that trust, I'm likely to put a bullet in you.
6. Don't slap the child, slap the parent.
7. Men are crazy, women are insane. The only reason humans aren't extinct is because it's possible to find someone whose psychosis is complimentary to your own.
8. I have no ugly friends.
9. Cars, appliances, hearts, and minds never pick convenient times to break down.
10. Shut up and listen.
11. Don't be afraid to dance.
12. Just because you can't see, touch, smell, taste, or smell it, doesn't mean it isn't real.
13. People in the crosswalk are pedestrians and deserve the right of way. People in the street are jaywalkers and thus legitimate targets.
14. Respect is earned, but politeness and civility are mandatory.
15. Don't say 'I love you' unless you mean it, but if you mean it, say it as often as possible.
16. If sex isn't messy, you're doing it wrong.
17. I never giggle for no reason. You probably don't want to know what the reason is.
18. Cute is a dirty four letter word. Fuck, damn, piss, shit, etc, are just adjectives or exclamations.
19. Fix the problem. THEN panic.
20. There is no problem in the world that can't be solved by feeding people.

Also by request. This may not be funny to anyone but me. It's sane advice that the average person should know, however.. yeah. Don't ask me why some are in the form of Commandment-esque lingo and some aren't - they're written down how they've been thought up. Some of them just roll off the tongue better that way. At some point I may standardize the list, but don't count on it.

These are also written as how they're presented to people that need to be smacked with them, not as bombast to the readers.

( Cut cuz I am wordy meat )

That's all for now. There are others, but they're either not coming to mind because I'm not currently confronted by idiocy, or they're too vague of concept to be rendered into snarky words right now.

Enjoy.