Stolen from redselchie

[spookyevilone]

Edited to add my internal monologue

When she walks away mad, follow her. ..only if you want her to turn into a screaming, shrieking, hissing, spitting, clawing, ass kicking shrew..

When she stares at your mouth, kiss her. .. or go brush your teeth..

When she pushes you or hits you, grab her and don’t let go. ..then shake her and say sternly, "NO HITTING, YOU FUCKING PSYCHO BITCH!"

When she starts cussing at you, kiss her and tell her you love her. ..only if you like the biting. No. At this point, you either apologize or leave.

When she's quiet, ask her what’s wrong. ... and set off her neurosis so she gets cranky, "Why do you always ask that? Can't I just be quiet and think? Do I have to share my every thought with you? Fuck off!"

When she ignores you, give her your attention. .. but, if you take the book out of her hands, she will KILL YOU DEAD.

When she pulls away, pull her back. .. or make sure you put deodorant on that day..

When you see her at her worst, tell her she's beautiful. .. and get called a liar..

When you see her start crying, just hold her and say I love you. ... yeah, ok. This one, I agree with.

When you see her walking, sneak up and hug her waist from behind. .. not unless you want your junk kicked in..

When she's scared, protect her. .. NO! BAD! BAD MANS! Scared = chocolate and hugs, ALWAYS! Not 'rah, I tough penis bearing mammal!' Chocolate. Hugs. ALWAYS...

When she lays her head on your shoulder, tilt her head up and kiss her. .. thus giving her a crick in her neck she may or may not forgive you for..

When she steals your favorite hat, let her keep it. .. ok, yes.

When she teases you, tease her back and make her laugh. .. unless you're in bed, in which case, tease her back and make her scream..

When she doesn’t answer for a long time, reassure her that everything is okay. .. and again, make her really pissy that she can't be quiet for 5 seconds without you assuming something's wrong, ya jackass..

When she looks at you with doubt, back yourself up. .. yes, cuz being defensive is always a good quality...

When she says that she likes you, she really does, more than you could understand. ..wtf?! Yes. Cuz you are stupid and incapable of understanding emotions, and she keeps you around.. why?.. Srsly, w.t.f. mate?..

When she grabs at your hands, hold hers and play with her fingers. .. or get your hands off her damn boobs.

When she bumps into you, bump into her back and make her laugh. .. providing she isn't a clumsy bitch who will topple at the slightest hip-check and then never. let. you. live. it. down..

When she tells you a secret, keep it safe and untold. .. yes. Because women are evil and we KNOW IF YOU TALK!..

When she looks at you in your eyes, don’t look away until she does. .. or go wash your face..

When she misses you, she's hurting inside. ..so come home with presents or else..

When she says it’s over, she still wants you to be hers. .. until the restraining order comes out..

Stay on the phone with her even if she’s not saying anything, and when she's mad, hug her tight and don't let go. .. wtf? Who writes this shit? No. When she's mad, give her space, or RISK GETTING YOUR JUNK KICKED IN.

When she says she's ok don’t believe it, talk with her, because 10 yrs later she'll remember you did. .. only if she's a headgame playing little whore who deserves to get ignored like the little emodouche she is.. Fucking hell, things like this are why I hate most women..

Kiss her at 12:00 am on her birthday, and tell her you love her. .. unless she's asleep, in which case, wait..

Kiss her before you go to sleep and after you wake up. ..but not.. and I repeat.. NOT.. before you have brushed your teeth.

Treat her like she's all that matters to you. ..except, of course, eating and breathing. We find anorexic, hypoxic people to be uniformly unattractive..

Stay up all night with her when she's sick. .. FAIL! FAAAIL! No. Bring tea, toast, and get the fuck out of her way.

Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think it's stupid. .. but if you do this, realize you've given up the right to EVER SAY it's stupid..

Give her the world, let her wear your clothes. ... um.. that would not be my version of 'the world'.. unless the clothes were made out of platinum..

When she's bored and sad, hang out with her. .. cuz really, why hang out with her when she's hyper and happy?..

Let her know she's important. .. Chocolate. Hugs. Nuff 'said..

Kiss her in the pouring rain. .. or the sunshine.. or gloomy days.. or during thunderstorms.. or when there's a light fog.. or at night.. or at morning.. or.. hell, just kiss her.

And finally, when she runs up to you crying, the first thing you say is:
“Who's ass am I kicking, babe?" .. no, the first thing you say is, "Are you hurt anywhere?" or "Is that blood yours?" and next you say, "Do you need an alibi or quicklime? Talk fast, Ace Hardware closes in half an hour.." or "You put the body.. where?" .. Any woman worth her salt can do her own damn ass kicking, thankyouverymuch.