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"Is that the little shithead I want to waterboard with bear piss?"
"Why with piss? I mean, water works, so why piss?"
"Piss in the lungs hurts worse than water."
".... How do you know that?"
"Jetty, there are some things that a man just does not talk about with his little sister, ever."
"No, but.."
"No. Big brother talking. Baby sister just has to trust me."
"Where did you even GET bear piss?!"
"From the bladder of a bear. Where else would you get it?"
"If I knew, would I ask?!"
"Fair point."
"Are you going to go bear hunting when you come home?"
"It's so cute how you think that the more you repeat it, that I'll eventually take it as an answer.."
"It's not like you ever listen to the first 'no'. I have to say it at least seven times before you start to think I might be serious."
"You're never serious."
spookyevilone: (Default)

"Why am I on speakerphone?"
"Because I've just Saran Wrapped my head and can't put the phone to my ear."
"Why did you Saran Wrap your head?!"
"Coconut oil."
"You're trying to protect your head from rampaging coconut oil?"
"..Yes. Exactly."
"Why didn't you use bear or moose grease LIKE A NORMAL GIRL?!"

The shit I put up with, I tellya..
spookyevilone: (Default)
For the Big Damn Event, I purchased lemons so people could have lemon slices with their tea. I forgot I had them in the cooler until late Saturday afternoon and wound up slicing them into a dispenser and adding water. My mother had died at 9:45 that morning. Someone who knew commented, upon seeing said dispenser full of lemon water, "Well, that's a way to make a statement! When life hands you lemons.."

Another saying, which is appropriate today, is from my brother: "Courage is taking action even when you're terrified." Secondary to that is, "There's a fine line between courage and stupidity." I'm not sure which side of the line I'm on, but I'm going to take the high road and say 'courageous'.

I handed in my resignation yesterday, and today was my last day. That last part wasn't my decision, and it wasn't really unexpected. It's not a bad thing, I'm ok with it. I'm kind of sad there wasn't cake, because it would have amused me to have had cake for my work anniversary this month and cake for my parting this month. I should have one delivered. Random acts of cake.

As to 'What In The World Will Peregrine Do Next?' - Same thing I do every week, Pinky.

Try to take over the world!
spookyevilone: (Default)
Nephew: How do you spell 'women'?
Me: Wombyn
Nephew: ... No. Way.
Me: Well, I don't, but apparently there are women who are determined to take the 'men' out of the word.
Nephew: That's stupid.
Me: I agree. It's actually spelled 'women'.
Nephew: (To dad) Dad, did you know some women are spelling it 'wombyn'?
Brother: Yeah. That's why I just call 'em 'broads'.
Nephew: *hysterical laughter* Oh, you're so dead.
Brother: .. You're on the phone with Aunt [Peregrine], aren't you?
Nephew: Uh huh
Brother: Then I'd like to get a postscript in - I would never, not even under torture, ever actually refer to any fine double-x-bearing creature in any manner that would imply disrespect for her inherently divine nature. So please ask her to stop yelling at me.
Nephew: She's not yelling at you.
Brother: Oh, child of mine, yes, she most definitely is.
Nephew: No..? I'm on the phone and she's just listening, not saying anything..
Brother: See?! She's yelling at me with the power of her mind alone! I.. feel the urge to.. go send.. someone flowers.. and .. chocolates.. *door slams*
Nephew: .. He's so weird. You weren't yelling at him. Why did he think you were?
Me: Hypnotic conditioning. I have all my siblings well trained.
Nephew: My family is so weird!
Me: Is that a good or a bad thing?
Nephew: It's a great thing!
spookyevilone: (Default)
Which I am expressing by giggling my ass off.

Baby Brother and I were the only two non-military members in my father's prodigious list of spawn.

He informed me today that his wife has joined the Navy. I'm fairly certain I'll get my ass kicked if I make any sort of 'eating Cracker Jacks' joke here. This leaves me as the only total holdout, since I have it on very good authority that That Guy does not play well enough with others to join any branch of service. (Though it amuses me to imagine his reaction when someone gave him an order he didn't agree with.)

I'm this generation's conscientious objector. I don't object to service or the military, but I tend to object very strongly to the shit they get sent out to do. Oh sure, killing people with impunity sounds like fun, but then there's all those years where you have to be ready to do so at a moment's notice and never actually get to. Boring, says I.

One more member of the clan to be proud of, worry about, and send packages to.
spookyevilone: (Default)
My brothers are all military, and all huge beasts of men (the smallest is 6'4 and 300lbs). When they're not serving, they're ..still serving - several are cops, a few are emt's and one is a local fire marshal.

I used to get to do ride alongs, because I'm baby sister and I have them all well trained :P One ride along involved a call to a grocery store, for a disturbing the peace and possible shoplifting.

The perp was a tiny, confused, crying little old lady who'd just gone on foodstamps and didn't understand that they could only be used for certain foods. When the cashier wouldn't take them for the rather modest amount of groceries, a manager had been called over. He'd made such a loud, obnoxious fuss that the humiliated little old lady had tried to take her groceries and leave, leaving the foodstamps on the counter. They'd stopped her from leaving the store and called the police.

My brother whipped out his citation book, flipped it open, and industriously started writing. When he was done, he handed a check to the cashier for the amount of the lady's groceries.. and handed a citation to the manager for elder abuse. :)

The lady was crying harder and protesting that she could pay for her own groceries. My brother winked and said, "Sure you can! Just not here. This is clearly a low class kind of store. The manager doesn't even understand how food assistance works. We'll set you up at [other store]." She protested, the bus didn't go by that store. He said he had to go by there on his lunch break anyway and would be happy to drive her. She protested that too, but was clearly swaying. What won her over was the m'am. "M'am, my mother'd never let me back in the house if she heard what went down here today and that I didn't do something about it. I can, and I aim to, if you'll let me." The m'am gets them every time.

My brother drove the little old lady to [other store] every week. She made him lunch every time he came to pick her up. She didn't know it, but the other store wouldn't take food stamps for her brands either. They took hers, because my brother always paid her bill, collected the foodstamps later, and gave them to the homeless people he checked on.

When the little old lady died two years later, my brother met the granddaughter, who'd been away at college. She's been my sister-in-law for 23 years.

I'm blessed with a family of good people. It's helped me through a lot of rough times, to remember that there are still good people out there and that I'm lucky to be related to an entire family of them.
spookyevilone: (Default)
Brother: *insinuating stupidity into otherwise normal conversation* I read the other day that Brendan Fraser died of a drug overdose..
Me: You're thinking Heath Ledger.
Brother: Was he the guy in George of the Jungle? Cuz it was that dude.
Me: .. No, he didn't.
Brother: Yeah, I'm pretty sure I read he did.
Me: You realize that I'm well aware that it's April 1, yes?
Brother: *siiiighs* Damnit. Yeah, April Fool's!
Me: Doesn't count. I didn't fall for it.
Brother: You never fall for it.
Me: That's because I don't have Aspberger's.
Brother: Neither do I.
Me: .. Uhhhhh.. hm.
Brother: What? I do not!
Me: Um. You didn't know?
Brother: What the hell are you talking about?!
Me: You have Aspberger's. Dude, Dad never told you?! He told all of us. We were told to be nice to you when you do stupid shit like this because you're special and you can't help it.
Brother: I f'ing do not! .. What's Aspberger's?
Me: A form of autism.
Brother: I do not have goddamn autism!
Me: Whatever it takes to get you through the day, bubbi..
Brother: I am not a retard!
Me: It's not retardation, it's autism. It means you're prone to doing things like making sure all your socks match up, getting twitchy when the gas tank is less than half full, having insane interests in things other people find boring or stupid, and playing really, really stupid pranks or jokes on people.
Brother: .. Fuck. Why didn't anyone ever tell me?!
Me: .. guess they didn't want you to feel like you were different. We all knew, though. I thought for sure you knew by now. It's been the new black for a couple years, with all sorts of shit online about it..
Brother: You know I don't read the internet.. shit. Guess I'm going to have to, now. Is it curable?
Me: Nope. Just gets worse as you get older.
Brother: Goddamnit. This sucks.
Me: Yeah.. sorry about your luck..
Brother: Wait.. it's April Fool's day.. this is a prank, right?!
Me: .. uh.. no. You know I don't do those.
Brother: It's a prank! You're totally punking me out on this.
Me: You wish.
Brother: I've got my ways of finding out for sure.
Me: Do whatcha gotta do, bubbikins.
Brother: Later.

A short while later..

Brother: Hi. I'm sorry I got shirty with you earlier. I didn't mean to accuse you of lying.
Me: Except I was.
Brother: .. what? No you weren't! [OtherBrother] confirmed it!
Me: What day is it, again?
Brother: April 1.
Me: And you think we're not both yanking your chain?
Brother: He wouldn't do that... and you don't do April Fool's pranks..
Me: Unless revenge is a motive for a really stupid one you failed to pull on me..
Brother: See, now I think you're pranking me, trying to get me to believe I don't have Aspberger's..
Me: *cracks up* I win.
Brother: You're so full of shit.
Me: I. WIN.
Brother: .. I hate you. I'm going to be freaked out about this until tomorrow..

And that, folks, is my one and only prank of the day.


Mar. 23rd, 2008 11:15 pm
spookyevilone: (Default)
Easter - when Christians celebrate the resurrection of a dead Jew by eating ham. (stolen from Crystal.)

My family didn't eat ham for Easter dinner. My fault - I loathe all pig meat. No idea why, I just couldn't handle the smell of it and even the thought of trying to eat it caused me to gag. Being a hunting family, we generally had some form of game. In many instances, we had rabbit for Easter dinner.

This lead to some trauma when I was little. I freaked out, which caused several of my brothers to concoct an elaborate story. We weren't eating the Easter Bunny, we were eating a traitor rabbit that had tried to steal the Easter Bunny's identity by holding him hostage so Generic Rabbit could take his job. My brothers had noticed something fishy, because Generic Rabbit wasn't white like the Easter Bunny, and had followed him to his secret hiding place and captured him, rescuing the Easter Bunny. Because Generic Rabbit had been a bad, bad bunny, he had to be killed for his crimes and since it's bad to waste food, we cooked him and ate him.

It made sense, and it wasn't the magical chocolate-bringing bunny we were eating, so all was made right with my world.

Until I went to school the next morning and the teacher asked us all to tell the class what we'd done for Easter. That was an interesting parent/teacher conference.

I hope all of you in LJ land had a good holiday.


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