spookyevilone | Entries tagged with godless daughter

The last of the Great Aunts died yesterday. She was 98. She was also one of the people without whom I would have grown up to be completely sociopathic, with zero empathy for other human beings¹. There are certain human beings who, by their very existence, redeem the rest of the human race. Some people believe that person to be a mythical Jew the Romans subsequently nailed to a cross and left in the desert to die. For me, those people are a lot more personal, and she was one of them.

Yesterday wasn't a good day.

My godless daughter found out about this, and cuteness ensued:
"I'm sorry your aunty died, Aunt P. Will I be sad when you die?"
"No, by then you'll be all 'MUAHAHA, the power, it is ALL MINE!'"
"I think I'll be sad."
"You're not allowed to be sad. You have to make up all the lies about how awesome I was."
"I don't need to lie about that."
"You still aren't allowed to be sad for me, kiddo. I love you. I don't want you to be sad, ever."
"But you'll be dead."
"Oh, I'll totally be haunting you, so I won't be gone."
"Promise?"
"Absolutely."
"'K. I won't be sad if you're my Capser."
(Yes, Capser, fuck off, she's 5. She means Casper. If you don't know who that is, you're not old enough to read this blog because you haven't yet learned how to use Google.)

Then her father got on the phone.
"Can I be sad if you die?"
"No. Remember the ghost thing? I have one word for you: 'poltergeist'."
"FUCK YOU I HATED THAT FUCKING MOVIE OMG NIGHTMARE MATERIAL FOREVER FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!!"

So, y'know, I totally win. :D

There is currently a betting pool on how long it takes the godless daughter to call me to renegotiate this agreement so she can be at least a little sad when I die. I have no doubt whatsoever that this renegotiation attempt will happen and have already begun coming up with silly, illogical arguments to distract her from thoughts of my mortality.

When I die, I expect it to be the end of this life and if any part of me remains past that, I don't anticipate being in any condition to know or care about it one way or the other.

If I do my job right, the people I love won't ever be without me. Even when I'm physically gone, my voice will still be there in the back of their mind, saying exactly the right thing at exactly the right moment, even if that 'right thing' is something snarky, silly, or outrageous. The memory of my presence will be there for them.

If I do my job right, the answers to the question of "What Would Peregrine Do?" will be blindingly obvious - and will make them smile.²

That? That is immortality. That is my idea of Heaven.

¹ - On any given day, my world is very small and the human beings I care about are very few. There are no days when there are no human beings I care about. This would not be true without certain people. I am profoundly grateful for those people.

² - "Something probably involving thermite."

Crossposts: http://spookyevilone.livejournal.com/102932.html

Godless Daughter: "Why shouldn't we eat yellow snow?"
Me: "It tastes like lemons. You don't like lemons."
Her: *pause* "I think it tastes like pee."
Me: "Why do you know what pee tastes like?"
Her: "Well, I don't, not really."
Me: "So you can't be sure yellow snow tastes like pee until you try actual pee."
Her: "Yeah, proba..AUNT T! I AM NOT GONNA DRINK PEE!"
Me: "But eating yellow snow is ok? Isn't it past your bed time?"
Her: "I DIDN'T EAT IT! I JUST SAID WHAT I THINK IT TASTES LIKE!"
Me: "So, again.. you don't know.."
Her: "STILL NOT GONNA DRINK PEE!"

Yup. Still doing my job right. :D

Crossposts: http://spookyevilone.livejournal.com/102394.html

I received an email this morning, in response to this post, accusing me of "sexualizing" my godsdaughter because "five year olds shouldn't know what genitals are."

By that age, they already know what genitals are, but may not know what to call them and wind up making up words like "hoo hoo" or "pee pee". E.'s parents made the decision not to retard their daughter's language skills, and taught her proper medical terminology when she began to ask about body parts. They also decided to make an effort not to instill her with any sort of sense of shame or embarrassment about the human body. Which is the right and proper way to raise a child.

The amount of stupidity in that email has surpassed my ability to deal with it in a civil manner. So I'm not answering it. I will, instead, create a list:

Other Things Bug Has Been Taught That Five Year Olds "Aren't Old Enough To Know"

The difference between pie and pi.
The digits of pi to six places.
If you can't prove it, it isn't fact, it's faith.
... Just because it's faith doesn't make it "wrong".
How to cold process and hot process soap.
How to make homemade noodles.
The difference between factory farming and ranch farming.
What arthropods and isopods are.
Proper taxonomic ranks of scientific classification.
... That butterflies and moths are in the Order Lepidoptera.
The difference between the Triassic, Jurassic, and Cretaceous periods.
... That those three periods make up the Mesozoic Era.
Closet monsters can be slain with a high powered LED maglight.
...and if the beam of light doesn't kill it, bashing it over the head with the maglight will do the trick.
Why you use cold butter in pie crusts but softened butter in chocolate chip cookies.
What Dios de las Muertos is.
Potatoes make vodka.
... Vodka makes ink and medicine.
Soylent Green is People.
... Soy Sauce is not made from Soylent Green.
... Planting soy beans will not make a baby grow.
Penicillin comes from bread mold.
Why Dr. Elizabeth Garrett Anderson was awesome.
Sin lies only in hurting others unnecessarily. All other "sins" are invented nonsense. (-Lazarus Long, Robert Heinlein)
Keep your booger hooker off the bang button.
... Reaching out to insolently touch a gun will still get your hands slapped hard.
"Fuck" can be an adjective, a verb, or a noun - and it is never polite to say, though sometimes it is necessary.
... Words like "Nigger", "Spick", "Wetback", "Chink", "Redskin", "Faggot" are bad words and Mama, Papa, and Aunt T will come down with the thundering wrath of pissed-off gods on you or anyone else they hear saying them.
Homosexual != bad, sinful, wrong, unnatural - but bigotry is.
Going to Hell doesn't happen by accident - you have to work at being a really, truly awful person to go there.
Sometimes, death has no reason, it just happens.
Praying: Can't hurt, might help.
... I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

There are more. This is all I can think of, off the top of my head.

Crossposts: http://spookyevilone.livejournal.com/98789.html

My godsdaughter is 5. I keep thinking she's 3 because I have no sense of time and she's still a wee little bug, and then I talk to her and wonder if she's secretly much older than her birth age. She started "real school" a month ago. She got sent home from Kindergarten today and it's my fault.

"So what happened today, kiddo? I heard you got in trouble."
"NO! I got sent home. I said a bad word."
"Uhoh. That sounds like trouble to me."
"NO! One of the boys in my class is a turd."
"Is that the word you said? Did you call him a turd to his face?"
"No, but I should have! He was meaning up on my friend."
"What'd you do?"
"I told the teacher."
"Did she stop the meaning?"
"Yes, and then we had to talk about why it was bad to mean on people and call them names."
".. What name did you call this turd person?"
"I didn't call him ANYTHING! That would be just as mean as he was, and *I* am not a turd!"
"No, you are not, and it's very awesome that you realize you shouldn't fight namecalling with more namecalling. Quit trying to kill me with curiousity, Bug. How'd the bad word come into play?"
"Welllll, the teacher made us all talk about why it was bad to mean on people, everyone in a circle, and when she came to me I said it was bad to mean on people but maybe turdface - I didn't call him that! I used his name! Honest! But he IS a turdface, really - I said maybe he didn't try to be bad but really just felt small and hurtful inside because he had a small penis and had to mean on other people to make himself feel big and important."
".. You got sent home for saying 'penis'?"
"No. Got sent home for arguing with the teacher, cuz she says it's a bad word and I wanted to know what I should call a penis, then. She sent me into the hall and then she called Mama."
"She says this is my fault?"
"Cuz when Mama asked me why I said that, I said cuz you said that about the man who yelled at Mama that one time and when I asked what was wrong with his penis that you would say sorry to him about it, Mama said you meant it was small. He was a big man, though, and not a little boy, so I thought maybe it was a birth defect and he had been teased about it and it made him mean to people cuz he felt all bad inside his ownself. Isn't that what you meant?"
"..Can I say yes because your version is much nicer than what I meant when I said it?"
"No, because you're not a liar. So you should tell me if that's not what you meant."
"That's not what I meant, Bug. The man said a bad word about my friend, so I insulted him back, which wasn't very nice of me. I'm not always such a nice person, especially when someone means up on my friends. You're more awesome than me, and you should stay that way forever."
"Oh. But you were not-mean enough to not use a swearword at him, which is pretty awesome for you that you remembered I was there enough to not say a *really* bad word at him. You just said 'penis', which isn't a bad word, even though my teacher thinks it is. Why does she? I don't get it."
"I think she just means you shouldn't be talking about other people's penises in class."
"Well I can't talk about MINE! I don't HAVE a penis!"
"You sound awfully sure of that."
"I don't! And I tried to pee standing up like Daddy when I was little and even you said I had to sit down to pee because I was a girl, and girls don't have penises so I can't have a penis, because I'm a girl!"
"I said you had to sit down because otherwise you'd pee all over the seat."
"BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE A PENIS AND COULDN'T AIM! You said that, and you know you said that!"
"Alright, fair enough. You don't have a penis. Not even a really really small one."
"See?! I TOLD you! And it wouldn't be small because I am not all hateful inside, so if I DID have a penis, I'd have a really BIG one! But I'm a girl, so I guess I have to have a vagina instead. I think they only come in one size, vaginas. Nobody ever says 'Sorry about your small vagina'."
"No, but now I'm filing that one away."
"AUNT T! You don't get to say sorry about someone's vagina!"
"I don't?"
"NO! .. Because when I'm big enough to tell off mean big people, I'm gonna say it to them and it won't be new if you start while I'm still a little kid! No vaginas, Aunt T!"
"Ok. No vaginas. Can I still use 'sorry about your penis'?"
"Until a teacher tells you not to, I guess. Kinda wish one would. Then you could tell them they're stupid for thinking a doctor word is a bad word."

Her Mom: "What the HELL are you two talking about?!" And then she took the phone away.

Apparently E. got sent home for being "disruptive" because she got into a discussion with the teacher about what to call a penis, if "penis" was a bad word, and the discussion apparently involved a lot of "Stop saying that!" and "Why can't I..?" Really, the teacher's had E. in her class for a month now. She should know better by now.

Kel and I got into an argument whether it was my fault for saying the 'sorry about your penis' line in front of E., or whether it was Kel's fault for explaining what I meant by it. I'm happy to take the blame on this one, though.

tl;dr - My godsdaughter is made of win and kittens, and I am doing my job.

Crossposts: http://spookyevilone.livejournal.com/98201.html

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Entries tagged with godless daughter

Death and cuteness.

I am a terrible person.

Things My Godsdaughter Knows

I am doing my job right.

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February 2014

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