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I have cooties.
Dec. 16th, 2009 06:40 pmA coworker brought her 3 week old baby, who was born 6 weeks early and is still in the wee!tiny!protobaby stage in to work today. My uterus now has cute baby cooties.
Uterus: You could have one of those, you know.
Me: NO! ICKY AND BAD!
Uterus: But she's so cuuuuute! And snuggly! And tiny and did I mention the cute part?
Me: 9 months of utter hell with a symbiote peeing inside me, nausea, swollen ankles, migraines, and did I mention the PEEING INSIDE ME PART? Culminating in many hours of pain and a splorch noise, with something that will definitely not be this cute for awhile on the other end of it.
Uterus: So cute and snuggly! And in only 9 months.. well, really, 7 if you want one that size.. you too could have one!
Me: NO! Shopping at the used baby store! Skipping everything up to and past 'toilet trained', 'can talk', and 'has a personality'!
Uterus: It would haaaveee diiiimmmmpllleeess..
Me: No! Fuck. You!
Uterus: Exactly. Now, if you'd just..
Me: NO NO NO NO NO! They're only cute and cuddly when they're visiting! It's part of the baby conspiracy to make people want to have one. They're actually vile little plague bearing shit machines. We can go visit cute babies. We don't need to make one.
Uterus: Wouldn't pregnancy be worth it, to have one of these?
Me: No. I can buy one used and skip the pregnancy part.
Uterus: It would be small and sweet and ..
Me: Have you met me? You really think anything with half my genetic code would be somehow less than Machiavellian? I'll grant you the 'small' part.
Uterus: .. SMALL AND CUTE!
Me: EVIL, GROSS, DISGUSTING, PLAGUE-BEARING, PUKING SHIT MACHINE!
Uterus: You know I don't really need your permission, right?
Me: You need my cooperation, and I'm not above soldering my cervix shut. Have you witnessed my pain tolerance? I could totally do that.
Uterus: Well, if you can take the pain, then why not..?
Me: The pain part isn't the part I have a problem with. We did this once before, remember? It wasn't fun. We agreed we weren't going to do this again.
Uterus: But they're so small and cute!
Me: So are the cats, and we didn't have to give birth to those.
Uterus: .. can we have a kitten?
Me: NO!
*sigh* Cooties.
No, it will not be different "when it's my own", no it will never be "a magical, miraculous experience!" - I have absolutely no rose tinted glasses or mystery about the preggo/birth process nor my experience with it. God hates me, so it will probably happen someday, and if so, so be it, but I've kind of made it a goal to thwart god on this one. Until they invent uterine replicators and I can grow my blastocyst to maturation in a jar, no, no, a thousand times no.
Uterus: You could have one of those, you know.
Me: NO! ICKY AND BAD!
Uterus: But she's so cuuuuute! And snuggly! And tiny and did I mention the cute part?
Me: 9 months of utter hell with a symbiote peeing inside me, nausea, swollen ankles, migraines, and did I mention the PEEING INSIDE ME PART? Culminating in many hours of pain and a splorch noise, with something that will definitely not be this cute for awhile on the other end of it.
Uterus: So cute and snuggly! And in only 9 months.. well, really, 7 if you want one that size.. you too could have one!
Me: NO! Shopping at the used baby store! Skipping everything up to and past 'toilet trained', 'can talk', and 'has a personality'!
Uterus: It would haaaveee diiiimmmmpllleeess..
Me: No! Fuck. You!
Uterus: Exactly. Now, if you'd just..
Me: NO NO NO NO NO! They're only cute and cuddly when they're visiting! It's part of the baby conspiracy to make people want to have one. They're actually vile little plague bearing shit machines. We can go visit cute babies. We don't need to make one.
Uterus: Wouldn't pregnancy be worth it, to have one of these?
Me: No. I can buy one used and skip the pregnancy part.
Uterus: It would be small and sweet and ..
Me: Have you met me? You really think anything with half my genetic code would be somehow less than Machiavellian? I'll grant you the 'small' part.
Uterus: .. SMALL AND CUTE!
Me: EVIL, GROSS, DISGUSTING, PLAGUE-BEARING, PUKING SHIT MACHINE!
Uterus: You know I don't really need your permission, right?
Me: You need my cooperation, and I'm not above soldering my cervix shut. Have you witnessed my pain tolerance? I could totally do that.
Uterus: Well, if you can take the pain, then why not..?
Me: The pain part isn't the part I have a problem with. We did this once before, remember? It wasn't fun. We agreed we weren't going to do this again.
Uterus: But they're so small and cute!
Me: So are the cats, and we didn't have to give birth to those.
Uterus: .. can we have a kitten?
Me: NO!
*sigh* Cooties.
No, it will not be different "when it's my own", no it will never be "a magical, miraculous experience!" - I have absolutely no rose tinted glasses or mystery about the preggo/birth process nor my experience with it. God hates me, so it will probably happen someday, and if so, so be it, but I've kind of made it a goal to thwart god on this one. Until they invent uterine replicators and I can grow my blastocyst to maturation in a jar, no, no, a thousand times no.
