I have cooties.

[spookyevilone]

A coworker brought her 3 week old baby, who was born 6 weeks early and is still in the wee!tiny!protobaby stage in to work today. My uterus now has cute baby cooties.

Uterus: You could have one of those, you know.
Me: NO! ICKY AND BAD!
Uterus: But she's so cuuuuute! And snuggly! And tiny and did I mention the cute part?
Me: 9 months of utter hell with a symbiote peeing inside me, nausea, swollen ankles, migraines, and did I mention the PEEING INSIDE ME PART? Culminating in many hours of pain and a splorch noise, with something that will definitely not be this cute for awhile on the other end of it.
Uterus: So cute and snuggly! And in only 9 months.. well, really, 7 if you want one that size.. you too could have one!
Me: NO! Shopping at the used baby store! Skipping everything up to and past 'toilet trained', 'can talk', and 'has a personality'!
Uterus: It would haaaveee diiiimmmmpllleeess..
Me: No! Fuck. You!
Uterus: Exactly. Now, if you'd just..
Me: NO NO NO NO NO! They're only cute and cuddly when they're visiting! It's part of the baby conspiracy to make people want to have one. They're actually vile little plague bearing shit machines. We can go visit cute babies. We don't need to make one.
Uterus: Wouldn't pregnancy be worth it, to have one of these?
Me: No. I can buy one used and skip the pregnancy part.
Uterus: It would be small and sweet and ..
Me: Have you met me? You really think anything with half my genetic code would be somehow less than Machiavellian? I'll grant you the 'small' part.
Uterus: .. SMALL AND CUTE!
Me: EVIL, GROSS, DISGUSTING, PLAGUE-BEARING, PUKING SHIT MACHINE!
Uterus: You know I don't really need your permission, right?
Me: You need my cooperation, and I'm not above soldering my cervix shut. Have you witnessed my pain tolerance? I could totally do that.
Uterus: Well, if you can take the pain, then why not..?
Me: The pain part isn't the part I have a problem with. We did this once before, remember? It wasn't fun. We agreed we weren't going to do this again.
Uterus: But they're so small and cute!
Me: So are the cats, and we didn't have to give birth to those.
Uterus: .. can we have a kitten?
Me: NO!

*sigh* Cooties.

No, it will not be different "when it's my own", no it will never be "a magical, miraculous experience!" - I have absolutely no rose tinted glasses or mystery about the preggo/birth process nor my experience with it. God hates me, so it will probably happen someday, and if so, so be it, but I've kind of made it a goal to thwart god on this one. Until they invent uterine replicators and I can grow my blastocyst to maturation in a jar, no, no, a thousand times no.

Comments

[redselchie.livejournal.com]

awww, but they're so small and cute... lol

I'll knit you a baby blanket if you have one.

Seriously- kids are neat. Just imagine a whole new world that you get to see in a whole different light.

I remember my daughter was oh, about three, and was out on the deck playing. It got quiet, which is never good. I rushed out to find her PETTING a velvet wasp that was desperately trying to crawl it's way away from her on the sliding glass door screen.

Scared the shit outta me, but she was right. Velvet wasps are cool and miraculous.

[spookyevilone.livejournal.com]

Oh, I absolutely want kids. I just don't want pregnancy. Thus the shopping at the used baby store.

[redselchie.livejournal.com]

awww, pregnancy not all THAT bad, now - we women have been doing it a long time now, got it down pat, besides, it's not the pregnancy or delivery you gotta worry about, it's the 18+ years after ;P

I LOVED being pregnant! Felt like a sumo wrestler trying to get outta my waterbed but HEY! it truly is a miracle, and it's fun to live in la-la land every now and then :)

[spookyevilone.livejournal.com]

I'm not down with it. I'd rather grow the baby in a vat. Or buy from the used baby store.

[redselchie.livejournal.com]

well fwiw I think you'd make a great mom, however you manage to pull it off

[morrghan92.livejournal.com]

Being close to 8 months pregnant on baby number 2, I gotta say it was only OMGsqueebabymagicicalawesometasitc the first time. Now I'm waiting for this foreign parasite to get out! I want to be able to sleep without needing to pop my hips back into place every few hours, and the acid reflux can kiss my ass too. My husband is really wanting a third, and I think I might just solder my own damn cervix shut. However the smile on my son's face when he says "I love you" kills me dead every time. I hope this one is at least half as awesome as the first.

Good luck against the Uterus, they have evil tricks to use against you.