We all float down here..

My truck is not home.

We picked it up, the mechanics were closed but my keys were in the box. Started driving toward St. Paul to drop off M's car. Truck was making weird noise that it hadn't made when I dropped it off. Immediately called and left message for mechanic. Got to highway, noise got significantly worse. Pulled over into the Red Bull company's parking lot, got out of car, specifically made sure doors were unlocked, closed door, opened hood and heard the dreaded 'something is horribly fucked in your engine' noises. Closed the hood.

The doors to my car auto-locked. With the car running. With my phone inside. In the ass end of nowhere. On a major holiday when nothing's open. With below freezing temperatures.

Yes, this shit DOES only happen to me.

Thankfully, my roommate was there with a second vehicle and a cell phone, and I happened to remember M's phone number. Called him, had him call me a locksmith, paid $75 to have my car opened for me. Then we successfully drove my truck back to the mechanics and dropped it off, leaving a voicemail that was the very definition of 'vitriol'. I was eloquent. I was verbose. I was erudite. I didn't swear once, because I had gone past that point of anger and into a cold blue fury. Something is MAJORLY wrong with the engine/motor, and it was not when I dropped it off this morning. Supposedly all they did was give it an oil change and rotate the tires, with the rest of the work to be done Monday.

Then we went home, retrieved roommate's car, completed journey to deliver M's car so he can go out tonight. Returned home. Was in two cars with heat blowing full blast and my extremities are still blue. Am so angry that my plan to enjoy some flammable bevs while watching explody things movies has been stalled because booze right now would be a very bad idea.

Plus, I tend to drunk dial people when I've imbibed. I'm fairly certain the mechanics do not want to get those from me tonight.

And, because it wasn't enough for my car to be completely dead over the weekend.. I need to move on Saturday morning. I don't have that much stuff anymore, but I have no vehicle whatsoever with which to move my stuff. I'm going to talk to Roommate about taking me to Uhaul and renting a van to just move everything in one fell swoop. I have a ride to work on Monday. If That Guy decides to go to MovieStuff on Saturday, I will have a ride to that as well. It's not as horrible as it could be.

It's not, say, having the car break down completely on the side of an unlit road in the middle of nowhere at midnight, with a cellphone that is on its last bar of battery.. with a missing driver's side window because that had exploded for no apparent reason earlier in the day.. in sub-zero weather with a windchill of -30.

Because I've already done that one.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT MY CAR BACK!

It's not really a joke that I'd probably survive ebola, but the common cold will kill me. That's because "cold" is usually "bacterial sinus infection" and my body mutates bacteria into alien, drug resistant beings that can only be wiped out with phage therapy.

I live with really bad dust allergies. By 'really bad', I mean "has caused two allergists to go 'WHOA! Hey, come look at this!' when the scratch test went over 25mm in 5 seconds" bad. I have a sinus infection right now due to them. I only get about two a year, which is awesome. I used to get them every two weeks, and then in 2003 had my face roto-rooted. Turbinate tissue reduction, septoplasty, tonsillectomy. Suddenly I could breathe, I stopped snoring, and I stopped being sick all the time.

This last year, it's gotten bad again. This week, it's particularly bad. It's partly my fault. I went to two holiday parties at other people's houses. Houses with things like 'upholstered furniture' and 'carpet' - things I can't be around for very long without my body rejecting life. I also stayed at That Guy's house, and he also has upholstered furniture and carpet. Basically, I subjected myself to more allergens than my immune system could fight off, even with the help of prescription-strength antihistamines. I called the doctor today. Not because there's anything she can do - there isn't anything to be done but keep hydrated, make sure I don't run out of kleenex, and try to keep my airway open and dry until everything clears up. Remember the part about antibiotic resistant? Yeah.. I wasn't kidding about that.

"Hi, you said you wanted to see me the next time I had a sinus infection so you could see what's going on in my throat."
"Great! We can get you in on Wednesday!"
".. By which time, I won't be sick."
"Well, we can still evaluate you."
"Evaluate my then-healthy throat and nose and tell me nothing's wrong, and to go home and come back when I have a sinus infection, like the last three times?"
"Uhm.. "
"So when I come in, we're going to send me in for new head films, possibly order a sleep study, and give me a referral to an ENT, yes?"
"Well, we'll see what it looks like after the evaluation.."
"No, you don't understand.. I'm not asking. I am telling you what you, as my provider, are going to provide for me. This has gone on long enough. We know surgery will fix it - it did last time. I don't want to hear about any new experimental allergy drug that might work. I want an order for the surgeon to go in and cut away the tissue giving me the problems."
"That's rather drastic. Most people want to avoid surgery."
"Most people didn't get screwed over by the medical establishment to the point where the amount of risk involved with surgery and the pain of recovery is hands-down preferable to going through this crap again."
"There's always a risk with anaesthesia.."
"Right. And I'd rather take the risk and die on an operating table than go through even another month of oxygen-deprived sleep, sinus infections, and misery."
"That's... drastic."
"You keep using that word. Requesting a fix for a problem isn't drastic. Shaving my nose off with a machete and scooping the adenoids out with a spoon - THAT would be drastic. I'd rather have it done in a safe, sterile environment - one that preferably lets me keep my nose."
"...."
"Seriously, if you're going to tell me that 'everything looks fine. Come back in when you have an infection so we can see the problem.' then we should not even set up this appointment, because it would be a waste of time. If you can't fit me in when the problem's going on, refer me to a specialist who can. Right now. I'll hold."
"The doctor has to see you before she can issue a referral.."
"Right, which is what I'm saying. I'll come in. She can see me. Regardless of what she sees, I want to walk out of there with a referral and not another 'let's wait until the next time you're sick'. I don't think this is unreasonable. Waiting until the next time I'm sick means there will BE a 'next time' and I'd really rather we fix it so there isn't."
".. I'll put that down in your chart."

Yeah, do that.

We'll see what happens. If there are reports of a rampaging woman at a Minnesota health care clinic on Wednesday around 10:30am, I want it noted that I have an airtight alibi lined up.

My buddy Mikey's in the hospital today, losing more cred as a Dark Herald of the Sith with every test they do, as there is now proof that he actually has a heart that beats with more or less regularity.

So, I bring you:

Things Mikey Is Not Allowed To Do In The Hospital

1. Succumb to zombie plague.
2. Start a zombie plague.
3. Have any sort of small alien creature burst forth from his chest.
4. ... Unless he gets it on video and sends it to YouTube before he expires.
5. Use the phrase, "Hellooooo Nurse!"
6. Tell anyone he loves them.¹
7. Suddenly find himself in Alchemilla Hospital.
8. Search doctor's desks for hidden Scotch.
9. Push the red button.
10. Reprogram any machines to a better OS.
11. Two words: Unnecessary amputations.²
12. Wind up with any of these on his chart.
13. Dismantle the machine that goes 'ping'.
14. .. Even if he does think he could make it better, stronger, faster.
15. Be implanted with a symbiote.
16. .. Implant anyone else with a symbiote.
17. Replace whatever swill they serve him with New Folgers Crystals. Because WE WILL NOTICE!
18. ... Be replaced by New Folgers Crystals. Again, WE WILL NOTICE!
19. Create bad poetry because he's thought of a nifty new rhyme for 'angiogram'
20. Name his nanobot 'The Good Ship Lollypop'.
21. .. Name anyone else's nanobot 'The Good Ship Lollypop'.
22. Create an army of bristlebots out of hospital toothbrushes and send them out to do his bidding.
23. Push the red button.³
24. Creatively connect his iPhone to the squiggly line machines to make his heart beat in time with his playlists.
25. .. or connect his iPhone to anyone else's squiggly line machines for any reason whatsoever.

---

¹ - this is the kiss of death for hospital dramas. It's like saying "Hey, that looks like a shortcut.." in a slasher flick.

² - Necessary amputations should be left to his wife's discretion. (Caveat: Any bits of Mikey automatically fall into the 'unnecessary' category. I pitched a big enough fit when he cut his hair off.)

³ - if you know Mikey, you know why this is on here twice. If you don't know Mikey.. let's just say, repetition of this rule is often necessary.

I called in late to work so I could go to the doctor. I woke up with gooped shut, sore eyes. This is usually a symptom of allergies, for which they give me antihistamine eyedrops. I went to CVS across the road to see if I could get by with over the counter antihistamine drops, and they had a minute clinic, so I went there instead of my normal doctor.

Half an hour later, I had to call in to work and take the day off, because I have bacterial conjunctivitis - pink eye. They tell me it's violently contagious and can permanently damage the eyes of certain adults. Great. I feel like I'm the Typhoid Mary of eyeballs.

I have tobromyacin drops, some sort of jelly eye antibiotic goop, and an oral antibiotic. I've had pneumonia that wasn't treated this aggressively. Apparently the most common bacteria for infection is staph and many strains of it are drug resistant. Wonderful. Guerrilla bacteria.

You know you watched too much ER when: You wouldn't sweat a sucking chest wound, but the thought of going to Urgent Care with goopy eyes leaves you in a cold sweat because you know in that episode, you'd be the one who got some sort of unexpected complication that killed you.

Which, really, is on par for most of my medical maladies. Which is why I'll stay home when I'm having random abdominal pains and fevers but goopy eyes will send me running to urgent care wondering if I have some new breed of Phillipine eye rot. That, and it's my EYES. The most important pieces of gelatinous, membrane covered goop adorning this meatsack I call a body. There isn't all that much that truly scares me, but going blind is right up there on the list of things that do.

I tried to get a picture, but the drops have already constricted the vessels and the flash makes it look like a normal if watery eye. The layer of sandpaper currently covering them does not show up.