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My godsdaughter is 5. I keep thinking she's 3 because I have no sense of time and she's still a wee little bug, and then I talk to her and wonder if she's secretly much older than her birth age. She started "real school" a month ago. She got sent home from Kindergarten today and it's my fault.

"So what happened today, kiddo? I heard you got in trouble."
"NO! I got sent home. I said a bad word."
"Uhoh. That sounds like trouble to me."
"NO! One of the boys in my class is a turd."
"Is that the word you said? Did you call him a turd to his face?"
"No, but I should have! He was meaning up on my friend."
"What'd you do?"
"I told the teacher."
"Did she stop the meaning?"
"Yes, and then we had to talk about why it was bad to mean on people and call them names."
".. What name did you call this turd person?"
"I didn't call him ANYTHING! That would be just as mean as he was, and *I* am not a turd!"
"No, you are not, and it's very awesome that you realize you shouldn't fight namecalling with more namecalling. Quit trying to kill me with curiousity, Bug. How'd the bad word come into play?"
"Welllll, the teacher made us all talk about why it was bad to mean on people, everyone in a circle, and when she came to me I said it was bad to mean on people but maybe turdface - I didn't call him that! I used his name! Honest! But he IS a turdface, really - I said maybe he didn't try to be bad but really just felt small and hurtful inside because he had a small penis and had to mean on other people to make himself feel big and important."
".. You got sent home for saying 'penis'?"
"No. Got sent home for arguing with the teacher, cuz she says it's a bad word and I wanted to know what I should call a penis, then. She sent me into the hall and then she called Mama."
"She says this is my fault?"
"Cuz when Mama asked me why I said that, I said cuz you said that about the man who yelled at Mama that one time and when I asked what was wrong with his penis that you would say sorry to him about it, Mama said you meant it was small. He was a big man, though, and not a little boy, so I thought maybe it was a birth defect and he had been teased about it and it made him mean to people cuz he felt all bad inside his ownself. Isn't that what you meant?"
"..Can I say yes because your version is much nicer than what I meant when I said it?"
"No, because you're not a liar. So you should tell me if that's not what you meant."
"That's not what I meant, Bug. The man said a bad word about my friend, so I insulted him back, which wasn't very nice of me. I'm not always such a nice person, especially when someone means up on my friends. You're more awesome than me, and you should stay that way forever."
"Oh. But you were not-mean enough to not use a swearword at him, which is pretty awesome for you that you remembered I was there enough to not say a *really* bad word at him. You just said 'penis', which isn't a bad word, even though my teacher thinks it is. Why does she? I don't get it."
"I think she just means you shouldn't be talking about other people's penises in class."
"Well I can't talk about MINE! I don't HAVE a penis!"
"You sound awfully sure of that."
"I don't! And I tried to pee standing up like Daddy when I was little and even you said I had to sit down to pee because I was a girl, and girls don't have penises so I can't have a penis, because I'm a girl!"
"I said you had to sit down because otherwise you'd pee all over the seat."
"BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE A PENIS AND COULDN'T AIM! You said that, and you know you said that!"
"Alright, fair enough. You don't have a penis. Not even a really really small one."
"See?! I TOLD you! And it wouldn't be small because I am not all hateful inside, so if I DID have a penis, I'd have a really BIG one! But I'm a girl, so I guess I have to have a vagina instead. I think they only come in one size, vaginas. Nobody ever says 'Sorry about your small vagina'."
"No, but now I'm filing that one away."
"AUNT T! You don't get to say sorry about someone's vagina!"
"I don't?"
"NO! .. Because when I'm big enough to tell off mean big people, I'm gonna say it to them and it won't be new if you start while I'm still a little kid! No vaginas, Aunt T!"
"Ok. No vaginas. Can I still use 'sorry about your penis'?"
"Until a teacher tells you not to, I guess. Kinda wish one would. Then you could tell them they're stupid for thinking a doctor word is a bad word."

Her Mom: "What the HELL are you two talking about?!" And then she took the phone away.

Apparently E. got sent home for being "disruptive" because she got into a discussion with the teacher about what to call a penis, if "penis" was a bad word, and the discussion apparently involved a lot of "Stop saying that!" and "Why can't I..?" Really, the teacher's had E. in her class for a month now. She should know better by now.

Kel and I got into an argument whether it was my fault for saying the 'sorry about your penis' line in front of E., or whether it was Kel's fault for explaining what I meant by it. I'm happy to take the blame on this one, though.

tl;dr - My godsdaughter is made of win and kittens, and I am doing my job.

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spookyevilone

February 2014

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