spookyevilone: (Default)
NO, I AM NOT PREGNANT. I'm a midwife, so this is something I've put some thought into. God hates me, so at some point, I'll probably be inflicted with a symbiote of my very own. That thought has become much less abhorrent in recent years, directly a fault of the secondary gene donor presumptive. I have a friend who's about to pop, and figured this might be amusing.

1. I didn't experiment with drugs as an angsty teen, I am not starting now.
2. Get near my spine with a needle, I will put it in. your. eye.
3. HeeHeeHeeHaaaaah MY ASS MOTHERF*CKER. Don't tell me how to breathe. I've been doing it since my own birth. I bloody well know how.
4. Birthquakes have never, in the history of ever, caused death. Pissing me off while I'm in labour has an incredibly high risk of causing death and dismemberment.
5. Mucous plugs are fun to play with.
6. So is afterbirth. You can blow it up like a meat balloon.
7. Laying on back, feet in stirrups is absolutely not "natural" in childbirth. I will stand, squat, kneel, crouch, get on all fours, or twist myself into a friggin' pretzel if that's what feels comfortable to me. My body, my baby. Don't like it? GTFO.
8. NPO = NO NO NO. Since nobody's getting near me with anesthesia, there's no reason to restrict my chowing. And really, in what world is it a good idea to have me in pain and not able to bite something?
9. If there's a C-section or episiotomy involved, it better be over my or my baby's DYING BODY. Quite literally, death first. I don't necessarily mean mine or the sprog's.
10. "Pit" is not short for Pitocin. It is short for "PIT OF HELL" - and that is exactly where I will put you if you so much as bring it into the room.


Disclaimer: These are rules for me. Not anyone else. If you want to co-opt them, go for it. I certainly don't expect anyone to make these choices.

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spookyevilone

February 2014

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