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[personal profile] spookyevilone
1. Referring to boss as 'Yo, Big Man!'
2. Use alphabet soup in the form of 'Yo, Big Man! Got the 411 on the QBR, FTW!'
3. ... Especially not when the CEO is in his office. Even if he thought it was funny.
4. Referring to Bitchy!Paralegal as a Mucking 4-on out loud.
5. Humming of Disturbed songs.
6. Humming of It's A Small World.
7. Singing of It's A Small World.
8. Replace the decaf office tea with yerba matte ever again.
9. ... Even if noone but me drinks it.
10. ... ESPECIALLY if noone but me drinks it.
10. Give the office machinery names.
11. ... and then argue with them.
12. Telling one of the V.P.'s that his tie is a festering, obnoxious eyesore that should be burned as an aesthetic blight.
13. Express that one of the attorneys was looking 'particularly gangster'. (as in Capone, not Snoop Dawg)
14. Print out swine flu office mandates on paper with festive smiling pink pigs around the border.
15. Suggest a particularly impressionable fellow employee lick a handful of Purell hand sanitizer.
16. Have an air war with cans of compressed air.
17. Addend the "Have you washed your hands?" signs in the bathroom with "Because if you didn't, you're on the side of TERRORISTS and likely to catch and spread SWINE FLU!" and another smiling piggy border.
18. Punch keys on the copier to make them beep in the tune of Jingle Bells.
19. Threaten to 'go Office Space' on the fax machine.
20. Have zombie pandemic magazine covers leftover from the Haunted House hung on walls of cube.
21. Fall anywhere inconvenient, like on the brand new multipurpose office machine.
22. Change coworker's password to a swearword.
23. ... Or anyone else's password.
24. Respond in Russian with Cyrillic font to annoying corporate surveys.
25. Suggest that everybody disco when the emergency response strobe lights go off. (Remember the impressionable coworker? Yeah.)
26. Respond to a third-party request from Bitchy!Paralegal with "OFF WITH HER HEAD!"
27. Hopscotch on the shuffleboard area.
28. ... Encourage others to hopscotch on the shuffleboard area.
29. ..... Especially not during a vendor orientation tour.
30. IM my boss with things that will make him laugh during a conference call.
31. ...Even if they weren't meant to be funny.
32. Refer to an evil murdering bastard out loud as an evil murdering bastard, even if he is.
33. Threaten to invade Audit floor with silly string and a parade of clowns if they don't finalize my document request in a reasonable amount of time.
34. Wear scent that makes me smell like "a pastry".
35. Build voodoo dolls of people I don't like with malleable erasers and stick them full of T-pins.
36. Chant. Ever.
37. Tilt the bad, tacky art on the walls ever so slightly to see who straightens it.
38. Colour code an online time chart with neon and blink tags and marquee scrolling text.
39. Use 5pt font. Ever.
40. Forcibly switch Boss to caffeine free diet coke.
41. ... Even if his wife tells me to.
42. Decline meeting invites with "Likely to cause bowel irritation" as the comment.
43. Decline meeting invites due to pressing bocce ball commitments.
44. Amuse self by changing speed on transcription machine to 145% so attorneys sound like Chipmunks.
45. Throw horns when we do something cool.
46. Distract department with pictures of precious white and yellow bitty bats.
47. Mime conversations with the window washers outside.
48. Use the page function on the phone for nefarious purposes.
49. Use any other office gadget for nefarious purposes.
50. Bring in my own gadgetry specifically for the purpose of engaging in nefarious purposes.

.. It's gonna be a loooooooooooooooong week.

Date: 2009-04-30 09:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] exorcizo-te.livejournal.com
hahahha, oh <3. #37 would be me, by the way. Following you around, precisely lining up everything you chaos'd.

I think it's worth mentioning, however, that my employer has never actually forbidden ME to do any of these things. And now I have Ideas. :D

Date: 2009-05-01 12:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] emmasdad.livejournal.com
Let's see, you've already done #30, I don't drink caffeine anyway, and I don't think we even *have* emergency strobe lights in this building...

(Oh, and Don't Even Think About It!)

Date: 2009-05-01 12:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] exorcizo-te.livejournal.com

I could ADD emergency strobe lighting!

Date: 2009-05-01 12:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] emmasdad.livejournal.com
Really? That would be awesome!

Date: 2009-05-01 12:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] spookyevilone.livejournal.com
You realize that he's going to do it, right? Because you just gave permission. Just sayin'.

Jesse, get pictures! Video if possible. Especially if coworkers disco!

Date: 2009-05-01 01:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] emmasdad.livejournal.com
Are you kidding? I'm trying to figure out how to make sure the lights pulse in time with the music when the alarm goes off! :)

Date: 2009-05-01 01:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] exorcizo-te.livejournal.com
Y'all are so ambitious! I was thinking more along the lines of swine flu flashes and posters EVERYWHERE.

Date: 2009-05-01 01:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] spookyevilone.livejournal.com
But then you need to get on the PA with a robot voice synthesizer and say, "Warning! Warning! Pork products have been sighted in the cafeteria. There is pork in the building! Warning!"

<.< ,, >.> ,,
Not that I would ever do such a thing.

Date: 2009-05-01 02:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] exorcizo-te.livejournal.com
I would also have to set up a PA system. Hmm.... On a related note, my word does not have a dancing pig boarder. Maybe there's something in clip art?

Date: 2009-05-01 02:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] spookyevilone.livejournal.com
That's the one I used.

Check your phone. Most newer switchboard phones have a 'page' system.

Date: 2009-04-30 10:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] morrghan92.livejournal.com
I wanna work with you!

Date: 2009-05-01 12:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] spookyevilone.livejournal.com
You don't. You'd have to work with Bitchy!Paralegal and then you'd start accumulating lists too, as you tried to keep your days upbeat. Otherwise, they'd wind up clouded with misery, bile and hate. Quite seriously, she is the worst person I have ever had to work with and I desperately hope they fire her ass.

Date: 2009-04-30 11:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] melody-rossiter.livejournal.com
Don't do drugs!

Date: 2009-05-01 12:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] spookyevilone.livejournal.com
That's already on the 'no list'. X forbade me years ago from "Anything illegal, and anything that makes you speak in tongues against your will."

Date: 2009-05-01 03:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pixel39.livejournal.com
What were you wearing that made you smell like a pastry?

Date: 2009-05-01 03:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] spookyevilone.livejournal.com
Vanilla, cinnamon, clove, and sweet orange blossom essential oil blend in a sweet almond oil carrier. My boss complained all day that it made him hungry.

Date: 2009-05-01 03:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pixel39.livejournal.com
I have the Demeter Fragrance Chocolate Chip Cookie in a spray bottle if you'd like to try it out...



Date: 2009-05-05 07:40 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] erehwesle-fox.livejournal.com
Bookstore edition:

download any Cyrillic font onto an office computer and forgetfully leave it as default.

Screw up with the essential oils with a minimizer cap that falls off, and not realize that you are soaked in it until you get to the store. be asked all day, why do you smell a lot like.. that.

Get caught practicing looking in two different directions with two different eyes when a customer approaches the info desk.

Decide you're going to ask every customer that asks you a question, after you've solved their problem, what the last book they read was.


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