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How I Choose A Candidate
Nov. 2nd, 2010 12:23 am1) Is it pro-life? Does it vote for antiquated, horrible reproductive-choice-limiting laws? If 'Yes', it is voted off the island. If it is a penis-bearing mammal and also a 'Yes', it should be lit on fire. I'm firmly of the belief that the male choice in reproductive decision begins and ends with 'Do I stick it in her, y/n?' and any male that tries to legislate otherwise.. again with the fire. I can almost excuse menfolk, though. Women who try to legislate us back into a medical stone-age? I can think of things more inventive than fire.
2) What does it want to spend my tax money on? I don't even bother with 'more taxes' or 'less taxes' - I'm all for taxes, as long as they aren't lining someone's pockets. Roads, schools, better public transportation options, parks, and making sure poor kids get a decent meal at school? You can have my vote. Making sure 'business opportunities' stay in the state or a new football stadium? Into the fire with you.
3) Equal rights - where do they stand? Did they vote for the 'protection of marriage' act or any other such nonsense? Be a briquette, baby! If they can segregate human beings into castes, they belong in India, not America.
4) Immigration - are they scared of brown people? Is there any sort of blather about 'protecting American jobs' anywhere on their voting history? If so, byebye. Cuz I haven't seen a whole lot of Americans lining up for the minimum wage, menial jobs that I see a lot of immigrants working, even in this depression.
5) Gun control, marijuana, prostitution - it should be legal, taxed, and licensed just like booze and tobacco. Do they agree with me? Yes? Here, have a vote. Think you can 'keep kids safe' by limiting the amount or type of guns someone can own, whether they can legally light up a joint, or hire themselves a few hours of slippery fun? I cast ye stupido into the fire!
6) Where did they vote re: the Patriot Act part 1 and 2? If they voted for it, no votes for them! If they weren't in an office enabled to vote for or against it, what does their voting history tell me they would have done? Where do they stand on habeas corpus, wiretapping, imprisonment without representation, Guantanamo, and civil rights? If they're against it, my, what cheerful little flames.
7) Do they believe global warming is happening? If yes, there's my vote. Even more props if they have a platform on what measures we can take to at least reach detentes with it. At this point, I look at people who argue global warming is a myth the exact same way I look at the Flat Earth Society. While the cause of the warming may be in doubt, the rapidly disappearing polar ice? Not so much with the mythical.
8) Will they embarrass me? As a citizen of this state, will I want to admit it while they're in office? If I go to Thailand again, and I'm asked 'You like $Senator?' and I say yes, will the cute little Thai people suddenly stop speaking English and walk away from me? Will I have to claim my Canadian heritage specifically so I can avoid answering? If yes, that person doesn't get my vote.
9) What's their webpage look like? Is it clean and easy to search, or did they clutter it up like they still think MySpace is cool and hip? If anything autoplays when I go to the page - sound, video, flash animations - /anything/ - I automatically write off that vote. Anyone moronic enough to try and inflict their bad taste on my senses should never get a term in office where they can inflict their bad taste on my income, taxes, and legislature.
10) What's their voting history? I'm already going to know what it is on the issues that matter to me, but what's their scorecard for other things? Is there anything particularly douchebaggy in their history? Is it understandable douchebaggery or is it douchebaggery for douchey sake? If the d-bag level is too high, eradicate with fire.
It isn't a matter of finding a candidate that I won't want to light on fire. It's a matter of picking which one I'd want to light on fire least. The Governor race is too close between Dems and Repubs, and the Independent candidate doesn't have a whole lot of hope - I absolutely do not want a Repub governor again, and I'm all sorts of pissy because I either have to vote for a Democrat I don't really like or throw my vote away on a candidate that has a snowball's chance in hell of winning. I wish his campaign team had made him more visible. I wish I could vote for him. Not in a race this tight. Not when the Repub is the only conservative on the ticket. I'm not voting for a candidate. I'm voting to nullify a Republican vote.
In other news, I think I've figured out why people put butter on popcorn. It makes the salt stick better. Still don't like the taste of grease on my popcorn, though.
2) What does it want to spend my tax money on? I don't even bother with 'more taxes' or 'less taxes' - I'm all for taxes, as long as they aren't lining someone's pockets. Roads, schools, better public transportation options, parks, and making sure poor kids get a decent meal at school? You can have my vote. Making sure 'business opportunities' stay in the state or a new football stadium? Into the fire with you.
3) Equal rights - where do they stand? Did they vote for the 'protection of marriage' act or any other such nonsense? Be a briquette, baby! If they can segregate human beings into castes, they belong in India, not America.
4) Immigration - are they scared of brown people? Is there any sort of blather about 'protecting American jobs' anywhere on their voting history? If so, byebye. Cuz I haven't seen a whole lot of Americans lining up for the minimum wage, menial jobs that I see a lot of immigrants working, even in this depression.
5) Gun control, marijuana, prostitution - it should be legal, taxed, and licensed just like booze and tobacco. Do they agree with me? Yes? Here, have a vote. Think you can 'keep kids safe' by limiting the amount or type of guns someone can own, whether they can legally light up a joint, or hire themselves a few hours of slippery fun? I cast ye stupido into the fire!
6) Where did they vote re: the Patriot Act part 1 and 2? If they voted for it, no votes for them! If they weren't in an office enabled to vote for or against it, what does their voting history tell me they would have done? Where do they stand on habeas corpus, wiretapping, imprisonment without representation, Guantanamo, and civil rights? If they're against it, my, what cheerful little flames.
7) Do they believe global warming is happening? If yes, there's my vote. Even more props if they have a platform on what measures we can take to at least reach detentes with it. At this point, I look at people who argue global warming is a myth the exact same way I look at the Flat Earth Society. While the cause of the warming may be in doubt, the rapidly disappearing polar ice? Not so much with the mythical.
8) Will they embarrass me? As a citizen of this state, will I want to admit it while they're in office? If I go to Thailand again, and I'm asked 'You like $Senator?' and I say yes, will the cute little Thai people suddenly stop speaking English and walk away from me? Will I have to claim my Canadian heritage specifically so I can avoid answering? If yes, that person doesn't get my vote.
9) What's their webpage look like? Is it clean and easy to search, or did they clutter it up like they still think MySpace is cool and hip? If anything autoplays when I go to the page - sound, video, flash animations - /anything/ - I automatically write off that vote. Anyone moronic enough to try and inflict their bad taste on my senses should never get a term in office where they can inflict their bad taste on my income, taxes, and legislature.
10) What's their voting history? I'm already going to know what it is on the issues that matter to me, but what's their scorecard for other things? Is there anything particularly douchebaggy in their history? Is it understandable douchebaggery or is it douchebaggery for douchey sake? If the d-bag level is too high, eradicate with fire.
It isn't a matter of finding a candidate that I won't want to light on fire. It's a matter of picking which one I'd want to light on fire least. The Governor race is too close between Dems and Repubs, and the Independent candidate doesn't have a whole lot of hope - I absolutely do not want a Repub governor again, and I'm all sorts of pissy because I either have to vote for a Democrat I don't really like or throw my vote away on a candidate that has a snowball's chance in hell of winning. I wish his campaign team had made him more visible. I wish I could vote for him. Not in a race this tight. Not when the Repub is the only conservative on the ticket. I'm not voting for a candidate. I'm voting to nullify a Republican vote.
In other news, I think I've figured out why people put butter on popcorn. It makes the salt stick better. Still don't like the taste of grease on my popcorn, though.
