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Bitchy McCrabbypants
Jul. 1st, 2009 03:24 pmI got a .. well, I'm not sure it was a compliment, but damnit, I'm going to take it as one even if it kind of annoyed me. "You seem much less shy than I remember you being!" from someone who knew me in highschool.
Yes. Because this are the intardnetzwebz and I has a backspace key. I can think out what I want to say, write it the manner I choose to express what I want, and if I don't like it, backspace and start over as many times as I have to until the words do what I want.
I'm very good at making words do what I want, as long as they're text. The minute I try to speak them, it all goes down the shit river in a wire canoe with no paddle.
I have social anxiety disorder. English isn't my first language and I think so fast that I stutter unless I'm careful. I panic if I have to talk to groups of people, and I usually can't even bring myself to speak to someone I don't already know. You can imagine what this does for my social life.
Here's a typical conversation between myself and a stranger.
Them: "Hi! How are you?"
Me: .. How am I? HOW am I? How AM I? How am *I*? *pause* "Fine." *stare at them in a glazed state of Tharn* 'Fine'? 'Fine' was the best you could do? What if they think you're making a joke? What if they think you're doing the thing Percy did in Blackadder, where he goes 'I'm fiiiiiiiiyyyyynne'. Oh gods, do I sound like Percy? He's a total git! Do they think I'm a git? I bet I sounded like a git. What else do I say, though? They don't want to hear about my migraine. They don't know me. Is 'Fine' a socially acceptable substitute to a real answer? Should I say something else? Should I ask them how they're doing? Yes. Yes, I think I should do that. "How are you?"
Them: "Oh, I'm great! blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah!"
Me: *blinks, perhaps nods, watches them as they talk.* Make eye contact. MAKE EYE CONTACT! It's not rude. They're not Injun. They're also not a lowland gorilla. Look them in the eye. Now smile, or do something with your face to let them know you're listening or they'll think you're pissed off. You know your face looks pissed when you aren't trying to. Wait.. what did they just say? Is a smile appropriate? Should a noise of commisseration be made instead? No, no a smile works. Happy thoughts! Tiny baby kittens playing with dandelions! There we go. Good, face. Thank you. Uh oh.. pause in the conversation. Do I say something here? There were no questions, so nothing to answer, but.. what do I say? Do I just interject something? Do I change the subject? AAUGH!
And it's right about then that I'll either manage to extract something from the conversation to speak about and thus keep it going, or I will blurt out something totally off-topic and random and strange that they wind up staring at me in uncomfortable silence - or worse, laughing. The minute that happens, I'm dead. Vocal cords freeze up and I couldn't speak if I wanted to - but by then all I usually want to do is blurt an apology and run away.
It wasn't until I met someone so significantly worse off than I am that I recognized it as anything but 'shyness'. Added to mine, however, is a huge gap of societal norms. I don't get pop culture references, or so rarely as to be non-existent. I watch TV via online episodes with the commercials cut out or DVDs that have no commercials. I don't go to malls, I do most of my shopping online, I wouldn't know what was in or hip or cool if it walked up and bit me on the ass. I don't know who's on American Idol or Dancing with the Stars or any of that crap.
Y'know how Temperance Brennan on 'Bones' goes blank and says "I don't know what that means" when confronted by pop culture references? That's me. You know how she gets excited when she thinks she has a grasp of some common idiom and usually flubs it? That's also me.
I can talk. I do talk. I can be witty and charming and funny and sarcastic and cutting as hell, depending on the situation - sometimes all at once. The problem is that I have to be comfortable speaking to someone. I have to be in a zone where my brain isn't worried about how they'll take the words, even if I mess them up. Someone who knows me will have a very different view of me than someone who's only seen me in public.
So yes. I am still as shy as remembered. It's just significantly easier to type than it is to talk.
Yes. Because this are the intardnetzwebz and I has a backspace key. I can think out what I want to say, write it the manner I choose to express what I want, and if I don't like it, backspace and start over as many times as I have to until the words do what I want.
I'm very good at making words do what I want, as long as they're text. The minute I try to speak them, it all goes down the shit river in a wire canoe with no paddle.
I have social anxiety disorder. English isn't my first language and I think so fast that I stutter unless I'm careful. I panic if I have to talk to groups of people, and I usually can't even bring myself to speak to someone I don't already know. You can imagine what this does for my social life.
Here's a typical conversation between myself and a stranger.
Them: "Hi! How are you?"
Me: .. How am I? HOW am I? How AM I? How am *I*? *pause* "Fine." *stare at them in a glazed state of Tharn* 'Fine'? 'Fine' was the best you could do? What if they think you're making a joke? What if they think you're doing the thing Percy did in Blackadder, where he goes 'I'm fiiiiiiiiyyyyynne'. Oh gods, do I sound like Percy? He's a total git! Do they think I'm a git? I bet I sounded like a git. What else do I say, though? They don't want to hear about my migraine. They don't know me. Is 'Fine' a socially acceptable substitute to a real answer? Should I say something else? Should I ask them how they're doing? Yes. Yes, I think I should do that. "How are you?"
Them: "Oh, I'm great! blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah!"
Me: *blinks, perhaps nods, watches them as they talk.* Make eye contact. MAKE EYE CONTACT! It's not rude. They're not Injun. They're also not a lowland gorilla. Look them in the eye. Now smile, or do something with your face to let them know you're listening or they'll think you're pissed off. You know your face looks pissed when you aren't trying to. Wait.. what did they just say? Is a smile appropriate? Should a noise of commisseration be made instead? No, no a smile works. Happy thoughts! Tiny baby kittens playing with dandelions! There we go. Good, face. Thank you. Uh oh.. pause in the conversation. Do I say something here? There were no questions, so nothing to answer, but.. what do I say? Do I just interject something? Do I change the subject? AAUGH!
And it's right about then that I'll either manage to extract something from the conversation to speak about and thus keep it going, or I will blurt out something totally off-topic and random and strange that they wind up staring at me in uncomfortable silence - or worse, laughing. The minute that happens, I'm dead. Vocal cords freeze up and I couldn't speak if I wanted to - but by then all I usually want to do is blurt an apology and run away.
It wasn't until I met someone so significantly worse off than I am that I recognized it as anything but 'shyness'. Added to mine, however, is a huge gap of societal norms. I don't get pop culture references, or so rarely as to be non-existent. I watch TV via online episodes with the commercials cut out or DVDs that have no commercials. I don't go to malls, I do most of my shopping online, I wouldn't know what was in or hip or cool if it walked up and bit me on the ass. I don't know who's on American Idol or Dancing with the Stars or any of that crap.
Y'know how Temperance Brennan on 'Bones' goes blank and says "I don't know what that means" when confronted by pop culture references? That's me. You know how she gets excited when she thinks she has a grasp of some common idiom and usually flubs it? That's also me.
I can talk. I do talk. I can be witty and charming and funny and sarcastic and cutting as hell, depending on the situation - sometimes all at once. The problem is that I have to be comfortable speaking to someone. I have to be in a zone where my brain isn't worried about how they'll take the words, even if I mess them up. Someone who knows me will have a very different view of me than someone who's only seen me in public.
So yes. I am still as shy as remembered. It's just significantly easier to type than it is to talk.
