Butcher Bird - Richard Kadley

[spookyevilone]

Spyder: I'm hot. I have bad ink and admit to it. I miss my ex gf and will whine about this for the entire fucking book. I do tattoos.
Lulu: I'm hot. I'm a lesbian. I do piercing. I work in the shop with Spyder
Wondertwin powers: ACTIVATE! Form of: DRUNKS!
Shrike: I'm blind and drinking at the bar, listening in on Spyder and Lulu's convo. I will now buzzkill and disappear.
She DOES.
Spyder: *insert whining about missing ex gf* I have to piss, brb.
He DOES.
Giant black demon beastie: RAWR!
Spyder gets his ASS KICKED
Shrike: Yo. You're too pretty to die, pony boy.
Shrike KICKS DEMON ASS and saves Spyder.
Spyder: No, don't go! I'm all in love with you and stuff!
Shrike LEAVES.
Spyder goes home, drunk off his ass.

The NEXT DAY:
Spyder: Whoa.. fuck.. what the hell is all this hoary freakish bullshit?! What was in my alcohol?! I'll just go in to work and call everyone and tell them I'm sick and can't put ink in their skin today.
He TRIES. He's surrounded by FREAKY SHIT.
Lulu appears.
Spyder: YO! Your face!
Lulu: It's on my skull, yo.
Spyder: It didn't used to be UGLY AND MISSING EYES!
Lulu: Yes it did.
Spyder: No.. no it didn't.
Lulu: Yes. It did. You just didn't see it. Now you do. Sucks to be you.
Spyder: FUCK MY LIFE!
Evil Black Clerks: We speak in questions? And we're here to take something from your best friend? Give us now.
Spyder: Fuck that shit. Take it from me. Later.
EBC's: Ok.
They DO.
Spyder: Hey, maybe if I try to find that freaky blind chick from last night, she can make it all go away!
He DOES.
Shrike: Why are you following me?
Spyder: I..
Shrike: No, wait! I have an assignment and I could use a partner. Come with me and do nothing but look pretty. Above all, do NOT talk!
Spyder: Does it involve more freaky shit?
Shrike: Oh hell yes.
Spyder: No. I mean yes. Ok. Maybe. Sure. Why not?
Goblin: Hi, I'm your guide. I'll lead you to Creepy Old Rotting Woman.
CORW: Muahaha.. Answer these questions three or DIE and become food for my CARNIVEROUS ORCHIDS! Muahahaha .. hahaha.. HAHAHAHAHA!
Shrike: Blue, two, next Wednesday.
CORW: NO! And now you shall DIE!!!!
Spyder: WAIT! Fuck, no, no dying today. Here, have some obscure mythology about the denizens of hell.
CORW: Eh. Maybe you'll survive. Ok. I need the Butcher Bird. Go to hell. No.. really. Go to hell. Get my book of all powerful everything and bring it back to me and I'll.. uh.. pay you. Oh, and give your crazy daddy back.
Spyder: Uh.. but I hated my father. He sucked.
CORW: I meant the Butcher Bird. Not you.
Shrike: She means me.
Spyder: WTF?! But my muscular bod is on the cover art!
Shrike: Yeah, so?
Spyder: So I should be the Butcher bird.
Shrike: Didn't I tell you to keep your fucking mouth shut, pony boy?!
Spyder: Didn't I just save your pert little ass from becoming orchid food?
Shrike: Point. Ok. Off to hell. Byee!
Spyder: I'm going with.
Shrike: .. to hell.
Spyder: Yup.
Count Non: Hello, fellow travelers. I am Count Non, chivalry and all that good shit personified. Trust me immediately, for no reason.
They DO!
Spyder: Hey, now that we're in this air ship.. um.. should that giant floating heart-shaped balloon be following us and farting flaming angels with big swords?
Count Non: .. This is going to suck. Battle stations!
Spyder: Battle.. whatsits?
Lulu: GUN. NOW!
Goblin: .. Why are you here again?
Lulu: STFU and FIND ME A GUN!
Count Non: *gives her a gun*
Spyder: Screw long range weapons. I'll use my killy black knife of killingness.
He DOES. They ESCAPE and get to the MOUNTAIN OF HELLY DOOM.
Angels: Yo. Can't let you go to hell and get the book of all things. Sorry. Must kill you.
Goblin: PERISHING! PERISHING HERE!
Count Non: Ack, forsooth, I have been shot dozenty times and lo, must forsake the sweet air of this world, for mine time is.. ack..
Shrike: Ok.. Spyder, blind your eyes and don't peek or you'll be stuck in hell forever!
Spyder: .. Ok. No problem.
Taunting demon of big dickedness: Yo. I have a schlong that drags on the ground. You gonna fuck?
Spyder:.. No.
TDOBD: SUCK! Fine. I have a job offer for you.
Spyder: No.
TDOBD: If you dooo eeet, I'll take you to Lucifer's palace so you can get your booooook.
Shrike: Ok.
Lulu: Fuck, I want a cigarette.
TDOBD: So you could fuck it?
Lulu: Lesbian, yo.
TDOBD: SUCK! Ok, let me lead you on your way..
Shrike's Evil Ex Bf: MUAHAHAHAHA.. I am a wizard lord in hell! Taste my miniony wrath!
Badguys ATTACK
Spyder's eyes are EXPOSED.
Spyder: Oh. Huh. Well, this is gonna suck. Yup. Stuck in hell forever. Suck.
Lulu: SPYDER! NOOOO!
Spyder: Meh.
Shrike: Sorry about your luck.
SEEB: Muahaha.. Shrike? Remember how I took your sight? Here. Have it back.
Shrike: *SHRIEKS*
Spyder: Dude! Nice! Now my bit o'honey's stuck in hell with me! Forever! SCORE!
Lulu: .. I think you're missing the point. Hell. Bad place? Y'know.. DEMONS?
Spyder: Meh. You get used to them.
Count Non REAPPEARS!
Spyder: COUNTDOWN! I thought you were dead! You were uber chivalrous and shit.. how'd you wind up in hell?!
Count Non: Remember how I said I had daddy issues?
He sprouts GIANT WINGS and is revealed as LUCIFER
Spyder and Count Non..er.. Lucifer.. HUG. (no, really. They hug.)
Spyder: *sniffles* I missed you, man. I'm so glad you're back.
Lucifer: *wipes emo tear* I missed you too, little brother.
The girls see Lucifer and HUG HIM TOO. (no, still not shitting.)
Lucifer: So.. let me take you to the book.
Spyder: 'scool.
EBC's: *show up, laugh menacingly*
Spyder: So what happens if I open this book?
EBC's: NOOOO!
He DOES. He MIND MELDS with.. evil outer space beasties the EBC's worship and.. somehow becomes all powerful? IDGI.
They GET THE BOOK. Lucifer gives Spyder a slice of John the Baptist's heart as a snack. They BLOW THE ROOF OFF HELL.
Lucifer: *squints at ceiling, picks up a piece of broken glass* Well, that's gonna be a bitch to repair.
Spyder: Er.. yeah.. sorry..
Lucifer: Meh. Just get up there and do whatcha gotta do.
Lulu: Uh.. about that whole never able to leave hell after seeing it thing?
Lucifer: Oh. Yeah. Because Spyder mind melded with the book and is now the all powerful Painted Man.. because we were forced to use that myth to excuse all the bad ink littering his arms.. he's not bound to the rules anymore.
Lulu: Uh.. but Shrike?
Lucifer: SHHHH! Maybe the readers won't notice. Just fucking climb out of my goddamn living room, already!
They DO!
Spyder: Oh, hey, Lulu? Remember how I said I love you exactly how you are?
Lulu: Yeah?
Spyder: I lied.
He TOUCHES HER and FIXES THE MISSING BITS.
Lulu: .. Well, fuck. This kinda sucks.
Shrike: Tell me about it. I just got used to being a pathetic blind warrior and now it's all bitched to shit.
Spyder: Oh shut the fuck up, both of you. Phenomenal cosmic powers are not to be spurned!

They make their way to CORW's.
CORW: MINE! MIIINE!! MUAHAHAHAHA! I shall now betray you all!
Spyder: Unless I throw this rotten bit of John the Baptist's heart on the book and .. uh.. dissolve you?
CORW: DAMN YOU!
Spyder: Been there, done that, Lucifer's my bro.
Shrike: DADDY!
She LEAVES!
Spyder: .. Fuck. Now what?
Lulu: Back to the bar?
Spyder: Sounds good.
They go BACK to the BAR.
Spyder: *whines about missing Shrike*
Lulu: Yeah.. sucks to be you.
Spyder: *sulks* I'm gonna go ride my bike now.
Lulu: I'm gonna hit on the bartender.
Shrike: Yo. Pony boy. Miss me?
Spyder: Yes. Get on the bike, bitch.
Shrike: First, let me bore you with why I left..
Spyder: Don't care. Get the fuck on the bike.
Shrike: But..
Spyder: Look, is there sex involved sometime soon?
Shrike: Yes.
Spyder: Then I don't care. Get on the bike. How the fuck are we supposed to ride off into the sunset if you don't. get. on. the. bike?!
Shrike gets on the BIKE.
They ride off into the sunset.
Fin.

The best part about the book is the cover art. Srsly.