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spookyeviloneThe lease on the house I'm in was up on 9/1, but my landlord was willing to go month to month. Events collided today and left me in a seething fury and determined to be out, out, OUT! by 10/1. Portable storage was arranged, it will be here tomorrow. I've begun emailing and calling on short term rentals / roommate things on Craigslist.
Here are some of the more frightening answers to the questions I have about places.
"So, can you tell me more about the room?"
"I'm willing to give $50 off rent if you rub my feet every day."
"Um. You're kidding, right?"
"No."
"I have issues touching other people's feet. I don't even like touching my own feet. So. uh. No."
"Ok. Well, I have your number. I'm going to hold out to see if I get someone who says yes. I'll call you if I don't."
"Um. Well, thanks, but go ahead and don't. I'll keep looking."
Sad thing is, he probably will find someone to do that.
"Has the apartment ever had a problem with roaches?"
"No, never. Oh.. well, there was this one time in the spring, but they came and sprayed and I haven't seen any since."
No. Roaches are a total dealbreaker. I, who am fearless in the face of axe-wielding murderers, will scream and flee and quake like a sissy bitch when confronted with roaches. If you're laughing, then you've obviously never lived in Texas. The roaches down there are the size of small cars.
"Hey, it says duplex but there's no mention of a kitchen. Can you tell me if it has gas or electric stove?"
"Oh there's no kitchen."
"Um. But it's a duplex?"
"Yup!"
"How do people cook?"
"Oh, they're college kids. They don't cook. Maybe nuke some water once in awhile.. "
"Uh huh. Next question is, is there a shower in the bathroom?"
"Oh, there's no bathroom.."
Yeah. Then it's not a duplex, dumbass. It's a basement.
"The ad says two bedroom, so are you renting the other room, or could you tell me about the roommate?"
"There are five girls living here.."
"... in a 2 bedroom apartment?"
"Yah. Don't worry though, the room you'd get is private. We sectioned off the living room with blankets."
Uh. No. No no no. No.
"I don't smoke."
"I do."
".. but the ad specifically said 'non-smokers only'..?"
"Yeah. Unless they smoke the same brand as me. Other cigarettes make the house smell weird, the mingling of brands, you know? I like the house to smell like my brand. Dope's ok, though, that doesn't smell bad mixed with cigarette smoke."
"Uh.. that would kill me."
I don't know which is scarier, that the person claims tobacco smoke smells different according to cigarette brand, or that the entire house smells like smoke and they like it that way.
"I have two cats."
"Are they cuddly?"
"With me, yes. Not so much with other people. They'd probably be shut in my room with me."
"Oh. Well, I don't want un-cuddly cats in the house. If you can find someone to take your unfriendly cats, the room's yours."
"Oh. Well, sorry it won't work out. I already found people to take the quail and the chicken, the alligator, the two pythons, the rottweiler and pitbull, and the ferrets.. and everyone else I know is allergic to cats. Good luck finding someone!"
My cats are not unfriendly. My cats are aware that 90% of human beings are total scum.
"I have a computer, and the cats, and a bed, and maybe some dishes, but that'd pretty much be it."
"Mac or PC?"
"Both - PC desktop, Macbook laptop. I usually run Linux, though."
"Oh, aren't Macs wonderful?? Mac mac mac shiny mac mac mac I love my mac. Mac mac I want to have sex with my shiny, glorious, godlike Mac that is superior in every way to a PC and has the bestest, shiniest, sparklingest OS ever invented! It sparkles more than Twilight vampires!"
I may have paraphrased there just a little, but you get the gist. I decided I couldn't share living space with anyone that made me throw up in my mouth a little.
Anyway. That's been the fun for tonight. I'm having a minor freak-out about the move, but I'd rather freak out than put up with the house I'm in anymore.
Here are some of the more frightening answers to the questions I have about places.
"So, can you tell me more about the room?"
"I'm willing to give $50 off rent if you rub my feet every day."
"Um. You're kidding, right?"
"No."
"I have issues touching other people's feet. I don't even like touching my own feet. So. uh. No."
"Ok. Well, I have your number. I'm going to hold out to see if I get someone who says yes. I'll call you if I don't."
"Um. Well, thanks, but go ahead and don't. I'll keep looking."
Sad thing is, he probably will find someone to do that.
"Has the apartment ever had a problem with roaches?"
"No, never. Oh.. well, there was this one time in the spring, but they came and sprayed and I haven't seen any since."
No. Roaches are a total dealbreaker. I, who am fearless in the face of axe-wielding murderers, will scream and flee and quake like a sissy bitch when confronted with roaches. If you're laughing, then you've obviously never lived in Texas. The roaches down there are the size of small cars.
"Hey, it says duplex but there's no mention of a kitchen. Can you tell me if it has gas or electric stove?"
"Oh there's no kitchen."
"Um. But it's a duplex?"
"Yup!"
"How do people cook?"
"Oh, they're college kids. They don't cook. Maybe nuke some water once in awhile.. "
"Uh huh. Next question is, is there a shower in the bathroom?"
"Oh, there's no bathroom.."
Yeah. Then it's not a duplex, dumbass. It's a basement.
"The ad says two bedroom, so are you renting the other room, or could you tell me about the roommate?"
"There are five girls living here.."
"... in a 2 bedroom apartment?"
"Yah. Don't worry though, the room you'd get is private. We sectioned off the living room with blankets."
Uh. No. No no no. No.
"I don't smoke."
"I do."
".. but the ad specifically said 'non-smokers only'..?"
"Yeah. Unless they smoke the same brand as me. Other cigarettes make the house smell weird, the mingling of brands, you know? I like the house to smell like my brand. Dope's ok, though, that doesn't smell bad mixed with cigarette smoke."
"Uh.. that would kill me."
I don't know which is scarier, that the person claims tobacco smoke smells different according to cigarette brand, or that the entire house smells like smoke and they like it that way.
"I have two cats."
"Are they cuddly?"
"With me, yes. Not so much with other people. They'd probably be shut in my room with me."
"Oh. Well, I don't want un-cuddly cats in the house. If you can find someone to take your unfriendly cats, the room's yours."
"Oh. Well, sorry it won't work out. I already found people to take the quail and the chicken, the alligator, the two pythons, the rottweiler and pitbull, and the ferrets.. and everyone else I know is allergic to cats. Good luck finding someone!"
My cats are not unfriendly. My cats are aware that 90% of human beings are total scum.
"I have a computer, and the cats, and a bed, and maybe some dishes, but that'd pretty much be it."
"Mac or PC?"
"Both - PC desktop, Macbook laptop. I usually run Linux, though."
"Oh, aren't Macs wonderful?? Mac mac mac shiny mac mac mac I love my mac. Mac mac I want to have sex with my shiny, glorious, godlike Mac that is superior in every way to a PC and has the bestest, shiniest, sparklingest OS ever invented! It sparkles more than Twilight vampires!"
I may have paraphrased there just a little, but you get the gist. I decided I couldn't share living space with anyone that made me throw up in my mouth a little.
Anyway. That's been the fun for tonight. I'm having a minor freak-out about the move, but I'd rather freak out than put up with the house I'm in anymore.
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no subject
Date: 2009-09-24 03:48 am (UTC)I am laughing *because* I used to live in Texas. Small cars, yes, and they move in fleets.
no subject
Date: 2009-09-24 09:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-24 10:03 pm (UTC)Because I'd do that just to see the look on your face :)
Seriously, though, if I get the house sometime soon and you still need a place, it has an entire downstairs I have no use for, and has bedrooms. The bathroom is frightening, but the one upstairs isn't.
no subject
Date: 2009-09-24 10:26 pm (UTC)Frightening bathrooms don't frighten me. I've worked at Fest long enough sharing privies with CKC workers that I am rather unflappable. I still get grossed out, but I deal.
And I'm pretending I didn't say the thing about the feet and roaches, because thinking about it in detail will make me go into convulsions... eeeesh!
no subject
Date: 2009-09-25 11:49 am (UTC)House!Presumptive has a 1/3 of an acre yard, fenced in, so there's places for the dogs to go that isn't in the house. But the bathroom downstairs is really, really scary. If I'm in the house before winter, my main project is going to be the destruction and rebirth of that bathroom. The gross tile walls just beg for a sledgehammer. They say "Please, kill us!"