Reasons I would not be a good porn star.
Nov. 7th, 2007 03:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
spookyeviloneI have a friend who enjoys listening to my screams of anguish when he sends me terrible porn links. Like pterodactyl porn - which is NSFW and contains PTERODACTYL HARDCORE PORN. In my opinion - and I'm somewhat of a prude on this score, I know - there's no such thing as 'good' porn, just varying degrees of boring and laughable and wrong.
After watching a few of these and either gagging or laughing myself sick, I've come up with a few reasons why I'd never be a good porn star.
1) "Oh baby, stick that big fat dick in my tight little butthole!" is nothing I could ever say with a straight face. Ever. In the days of Atkins and South Beach, really, what man wants to be told he has a fat dick anyway? Butthole? BUTTHOLE?! Christ, bitch, how old are you? 5?
2) "Fuck that pussy, yeah!" - as if there's another for him to choose from? Also on the list of things I couldn't say, without imagining others opening up like gills randomly on my skin. Admittedly, this would be the ultimate in cool creep-out factor... but nothing I'd like to wake up with the ability to do. If my imagination is that active while having sex with someone, clearly something is very, very wrong.
3) Spitting. Ok, someone explain to me how it's hot for someone to let a huge thread of slimy drool dribble all over their partner, which is then slurped off? I hate it when people spit on sidewalks. That would be the blinker light for turnoffsville, right there.
4) Facials. I'd be so bored, sitting there. I'd be tempted to reach out at the last second and point it at something else in the room, just to see if he could hit it. While making little ray gun shooting noises.
5) Anal. Sorry, you want to put what where? Not unless you want me to clamp down so hard you'll never get it back. In a word: icky. Having the guy screaming in pain as I cut off circulation to his cock is probably not something most people want to see. Although I'm sure there's a fetish for that somewhere.
6) Fake boobs and tramp stamps. I lack both. I do have a bellybutton piercing, so one out of three ain't bad. I am not willing to get the other two, so my marketability as a porn star is low. Woe.
7) No foreplay. Where's the fun in that?! Boring. Admittedly, a bored me would make for much more interesting porn, because I'm dangerous when bored and tend to find new and unique ways to amuse myself. Usually with Person B's anatomy.
8) I'd be too tempted to start making obnoxious faces at the camera. Because that's what cameras are for.
9) Men with shaved pubes. I would laugh myself sick, if the guy showed up as bare as a prepubescent boy. Srsly, come on - how is that hot if you don't have a pervy little boy fetish? Neatly trimmed, sure. Shaved off? I'd laugh so hard he'd be unable to maintain an erection. Which would just make me laugh more and possibly vomit on him. Because I am mean.
10) I could never have sex with someone who had bad tattoos. No matter how much money was offered. And all porno guys? Have bad, ugly, horribly rendered tats or "tribal" squiggles. Not hot. Not at all. If I'm busy staring in horror at a bad tat, I'm unlikely to remember my cues of when to say "Spank me, daddy! Spank me hard!" and "What the fuck is that horrible.. THING.. on your shoulder?!" just doesn't have the same ring to it.
After watching a few of these and either gagging or laughing myself sick, I've come up with a few reasons why I'd never be a good porn star.
1) "Oh baby, stick that big fat dick in my tight little butthole!" is nothing I could ever say with a straight face. Ever. In the days of Atkins and South Beach, really, what man wants to be told he has a fat dick anyway? Butthole? BUTTHOLE?! Christ, bitch, how old are you? 5?
2) "Fuck that pussy, yeah!" - as if there's another for him to choose from? Also on the list of things I couldn't say, without imagining others opening up like gills randomly on my skin. Admittedly, this would be the ultimate in cool creep-out factor... but nothing I'd like to wake up with the ability to do. If my imagination is that active while having sex with someone, clearly something is very, very wrong.
3) Spitting. Ok, someone explain to me how it's hot for someone to let a huge thread of slimy drool dribble all over their partner, which is then slurped off? I hate it when people spit on sidewalks. That would be the blinker light for turnoffsville, right there.
4) Facials. I'd be so bored, sitting there. I'd be tempted to reach out at the last second and point it at something else in the room, just to see if he could hit it. While making little ray gun shooting noises.
5) Anal. Sorry, you want to put what where? Not unless you want me to clamp down so hard you'll never get it back. In a word: icky. Having the guy screaming in pain as I cut off circulation to his cock is probably not something most people want to see. Although I'm sure there's a fetish for that somewhere.
6) Fake boobs and tramp stamps. I lack both. I do have a bellybutton piercing, so one out of three ain't bad. I am not willing to get the other two, so my marketability as a porn star is low. Woe.
7) No foreplay. Where's the fun in that?! Boring. Admittedly, a bored me would make for much more interesting porn, because I'm dangerous when bored and tend to find new and unique ways to amuse myself. Usually with Person B's anatomy.
8) I'd be too tempted to start making obnoxious faces at the camera. Because that's what cameras are for.
9) Men with shaved pubes. I would laugh myself sick, if the guy showed up as bare as a prepubescent boy. Srsly, come on - how is that hot if you don't have a pervy little boy fetish? Neatly trimmed, sure. Shaved off? I'd laugh so hard he'd be unable to maintain an erection. Which would just make me laugh more and possibly vomit on him. Because I am mean.
10) I could never have sex with someone who had bad tattoos. No matter how much money was offered. And all porno guys? Have bad, ugly, horribly rendered tats or "tribal" squiggles. Not hot. Not at all. If I'm busy staring in horror at a bad tat, I'm unlikely to remember my cues of when to say "Spank me, daddy! Spank me hard!" and "What the fuck is that horrible.. THING.. on your shoulder?!" just doesn't have the same ring to it.
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Date: 2007-11-08 12:06 am (UTC)#7 is my pet peeve about porn though. Intercourse and oral and nothing else is so very dull. It's why porn does absolutely nothing for me and bores me more than anything.
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Date: 2007-11-12 04:13 am (UTC)Sorry I didn't respond earlier - LJ is being a whore and not sending me comment notifications :/
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Date: 2007-11-08 12:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-08 05:20 am (UTC)Woke up the kid laughing.