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Other jobs I would be (or am) terrible at
Nov. 8th, 2007 09:41 amThanks to $Former_Employer, I had a lovely month in which to find new and hopefully more challenging employment. I'm a legal secretary (as opposed to an illegal one, thank you Justin :P) who has everything but the degree to be a paralegal. $Former_Employer decided that the best utilization of my skills was as a level three data entry clerk. To define it in two words: Bored stupid. Loved the company, loved the people, hated the discrepancy between my job title and what they had me doing, and when no change of that was in sight, we parted ways.
In looking through job titles and descriptions, I came across several that got put on the "NEVER' or "NEVER AGAIN" list.
1) Retail. Been there, done that. Y'know on sitcoms, how there's one bitchy, sarcastic, hateful clerk who despises everyone and treats them like crap? That's what working as a third shift supervisor at a convenience store did to me. Oddly enough, all the friends I made in Boston? I met as customers, so I guess if I ever get desperate for friends, I could try this again. Or I could whore myself out on MySpace. Either is icky.
2) Customer Service. A job where I have to smile and be friendly to obnoxious, aggressive, angry, annoying people all day - most of whom are trying to scam the store? Oh hells no. I'd stab someone in the eye with a pen before the first lunchbreak.
3) Tech Support. Strangely, most places are not as supportive of tickets written off as PEBKAC and ID10T errors as BOFH would lead you to believe. I had a tech support job for a week, once. I was fired for the following exchange, "Hey, Peregrine.. (Customer) called back and said you won't help them?" "Not won't. Can't." "Why not?" "Because they're a congenital idiot and their computer should be taken away from them before they hurt themselves with it." Side note - same customer tried to sue Dell a year later when they sliced their hand open doing something inside the case. I just calls 'em as I sees 'em.
4) Receptionist. Can do, have done, won't do again. I have a lot of respect for Receptionists. Bitches have bladders of steel. When I have to pee, I have to pee pretty damn near immediately, and any job that requires me to learn to schedule my peepee outings to my breaks? Is not for me. Term 'pee' used because it's much more funny than the other reasons one would need to bolt to the bathroom on no notice.
5) Personal Assistant. Why don't they call this what it is - Nannies for Adults? Seriously, they either need an Administrative Assistant, or they need a pseudoMommy to pick up your shit for them. I have a horror story for this one. Once, when I was young and had not much on-paper admin experience. I responded to an ad for a Personal Assistant that read, "Administrative duties, some light cleaning, and occasional pampering." Hey, no problem, I thought - I can spoil people. I was called in for an interview, where my experience as a nanny was a major plus. My heart sank, because I thought the dude wanted me to be his child care professional. Nope. Turns out 'occasional pampering' meant 'occasional Pampering' because he was an infantile fetisher. I politely explained that I'd stopped being a nanny because I hated changing diapers and left.
6) Nanny. Did this, helped raise two very good people that I'm still very proud of. I love children. I love working with children. The problem is that I hate most parents and I really hate how most parents treat nannies. I had the responsibility with the authority - most nannies get the responsibility and no authority, and on top of that, get blamed for shit that is the parent's fault. Corporal punishment shouldn't have to wait until Mommy and Daddy get home, or if it does, Mommy and Daddy should be willing to drop everything and come home when the nanny calls and says, "Your little monster is totally out of control."
7) Food Service. Did this too, back in high school. Never want the mystery of restaurants or fast food removed again. I prefer to think the food arrives in magical little boxes or on a plate, and never, ever, ever know what happens to it before that moment. On the up side, I learned that if you cut mozzarella with muenster cheese 1:1 for pizza topping, you get an incredibly smooth, creamy topping that doesn't turn into something resembling plastic as it cools. On the down side, the smell of uncooked tomato sauce still makes me want to hurl. Having to fire an employee because he got caught having carnal relations with the uncooked pizza dough was definitely the turning point in my food service career. Turned me off it entirely, in fact.
8) Midwife. I am a midwife, but I'm not certified off the res. It wouldn't take that much to get certified in my state. Childbirth is a wonderous, magical, special little miracle that's also ooky, icky, sticky, and disgusting. I'm willing to aid and assist in an environment where lack of that assistance means at best an ill-prepared mother and at worst, dead mother and child. I'm not really willing to get involved with the neohippy types who only think they want a natural childbirth until the contractions peak. If I sound bitter, it's because I am. I've seen too many cases where yuppies choose a midwife or doula, refuse to listen to her, have complications or trouble that results in a harmed child, and then blame the midwife. I'm all for homebirth, however? It means a whole lot more than squatting the child out in a bed or bathtub, and I don't deal well with people who refuse to educate themselves. Pretty much on any level, really.
9) Sales. I can sell anyone on just about anything. I hate doing it, to the point where I actively try to sell them off something if I think it's not right for them. Which makes me a real good client representative and means my commissions would suck ass and I'd probably get fired for not pumping up the product. It also goes against my philosophy of never taking a job where I could be blamed for someone else's stupid choices.
10) Airline Flight Attendant. Man, a job that would pay me to fly around the country? Oh wait.. also a job that'd require me putting up with drunks and people who get airsick, when I have a sympathetic stomach that causes me to lose my lunch if I watch someone else doing it? Probably not so cool at 30000 feet. Not to mention the ass grabbing and invitations to the mile high club most female stews have to put up with. Not to mention, I'd probably have to finish my degree, since most airlines won't touch you without at least a two year. Le sigh. Shall have to wait until I'm a member of the eccentric rich to go jetting around the world.
In looking through job titles and descriptions, I came across several that got put on the "NEVER' or "NEVER AGAIN" list.
1) Retail. Been there, done that. Y'know on sitcoms, how there's one bitchy, sarcastic, hateful clerk who despises everyone and treats them like crap? That's what working as a third shift supervisor at a convenience store did to me. Oddly enough, all the friends I made in Boston? I met as customers, so I guess if I ever get desperate for friends, I could try this again. Or I could whore myself out on MySpace. Either is icky.
2) Customer Service. A job where I have to smile and be friendly to obnoxious, aggressive, angry, annoying people all day - most of whom are trying to scam the store? Oh hells no. I'd stab someone in the eye with a pen before the first lunchbreak.
3) Tech Support. Strangely, most places are not as supportive of tickets written off as PEBKAC and ID10T errors as BOFH would lead you to believe. I had a tech support job for a week, once. I was fired for the following exchange, "Hey, Peregrine.. (Customer) called back and said you won't help them?" "Not won't. Can't." "Why not?" "Because they're a congenital idiot and their computer should be taken away from them before they hurt themselves with it." Side note - same customer tried to sue Dell a year later when they sliced their hand open doing something inside the case. I just calls 'em as I sees 'em.
4) Receptionist. Can do, have done, won't do again. I have a lot of respect for Receptionists. Bitches have bladders of steel. When I have to pee, I have to pee pretty damn near immediately, and any job that requires me to learn to schedule my peepee outings to my breaks? Is not for me. Term 'pee' used because it's much more funny than the other reasons one would need to bolt to the bathroom on no notice.
5) Personal Assistant. Why don't they call this what it is - Nannies for Adults? Seriously, they either need an Administrative Assistant, or they need a pseudoMommy to pick up your shit for them. I have a horror story for this one. Once, when I was young and had not much on-paper admin experience. I responded to an ad for a Personal Assistant that read, "Administrative duties, some light cleaning, and occasional pampering." Hey, no problem, I thought - I can spoil people. I was called in for an interview, where my experience as a nanny was a major plus. My heart sank, because I thought the dude wanted me to be his child care professional. Nope. Turns out 'occasional pampering' meant 'occasional Pampering' because he was an infantile fetisher. I politely explained that I'd stopped being a nanny because I hated changing diapers and left.
6) Nanny. Did this, helped raise two very good people that I'm still very proud of. I love children. I love working with children. The problem is that I hate most parents and I really hate how most parents treat nannies. I had the responsibility with the authority - most nannies get the responsibility and no authority, and on top of that, get blamed for shit that is the parent's fault. Corporal punishment shouldn't have to wait until Mommy and Daddy get home, or if it does, Mommy and Daddy should be willing to drop everything and come home when the nanny calls and says, "Your little monster is totally out of control."
7) Food Service. Did this too, back in high school. Never want the mystery of restaurants or fast food removed again. I prefer to think the food arrives in magical little boxes or on a plate, and never, ever, ever know what happens to it before that moment. On the up side, I learned that if you cut mozzarella with muenster cheese 1:1 for pizza topping, you get an incredibly smooth, creamy topping that doesn't turn into something resembling plastic as it cools. On the down side, the smell of uncooked tomato sauce still makes me want to hurl. Having to fire an employee because he got caught having carnal relations with the uncooked pizza dough was definitely the turning point in my food service career. Turned me off it entirely, in fact.
8) Midwife. I am a midwife, but I'm not certified off the res. It wouldn't take that much to get certified in my state. Childbirth is a wonderous, magical, special little miracle that's also ooky, icky, sticky, and disgusting. I'm willing to aid and assist in an environment where lack of that assistance means at best an ill-prepared mother and at worst, dead mother and child. I'm not really willing to get involved with the neohippy types who only think they want a natural childbirth until the contractions peak. If I sound bitter, it's because I am. I've seen too many cases where yuppies choose a midwife or doula, refuse to listen to her, have complications or trouble that results in a harmed child, and then blame the midwife. I'm all for homebirth, however? It means a whole lot more than squatting the child out in a bed or bathtub, and I don't deal well with people who refuse to educate themselves. Pretty much on any level, really.
9) Sales. I can sell anyone on just about anything. I hate doing it, to the point where I actively try to sell them off something if I think it's not right for them. Which makes me a real good client representative and means my commissions would suck ass and I'd probably get fired for not pumping up the product. It also goes against my philosophy of never taking a job where I could be blamed for someone else's stupid choices.
10) Airline Flight Attendant. Man, a job that would pay me to fly around the country? Oh wait.. also a job that'd require me putting up with drunks and people who get airsick, when I have a sympathetic stomach that causes me to lose my lunch if I watch someone else doing it? Probably not so cool at 30000 feet. Not to mention the ass grabbing and invitations to the mile high club most female stews have to put up with. Not to mention, I'd probably have to finish my degree, since most airlines won't touch you without at least a two year. Le sigh. Shall have to wait until I'm a member of the eccentric rich to go jetting around the world.