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[personal profile] spookyevilone
I've had aphasia since I was 8. It sorsened after the brain explody. Before, I'd occasionally completely garble a word, have to pause, reorient my brain and mouth, and then try again. Now, I have moments when the word just.. goes away. I know what I want to say, and I'll be halfway through the sentence and poof, the next word I need just isn't there.

What you hear:
"I was driving the other day and I looked down at the ... ... .... "

What you see:
Flat affect after the pause, because my brain has just put its resources into Finding That Goddamn Word and can't be arsed to create an expression on the meats covering the front of my skull.

What's going on in my head:
"GODDAMNIT! I know this word! It's the thing. The thing under the speedometer, the digital readout thing with numbers telling me how far I've traveled. Not GPS, not speedometer.. Things on the dash: RPM, oil light, ABS light, check engine light, idiot light, speedometer.. and the thing that tells me how many miles I've traveled is the..ODOMETER! FUCK YOU, APHASIA! I WIN! IT'S THE GODDAMN ODOMETER!"

Occasionally, you might hear:
"I was driving the other day and I looked down at the.. thingy.. below speedometer.. thingy, numbers, tells how far I've gone.."

And that is frustrating, knowing that I know the word but my brain has temporarily misplaced it.

What is more frustrating is when someone tries to "help" by supplying the word I'm reaching for. It makes me immediately, seethingly angry. I try not to be, I try to counsel myself that they're only trying to help, and that it's not fair to them to have to wait so long for me to finish the sentence. But it still makes me angry.

Because they aren't helping at all. They are, in fact, delaying my recovery by exactly one word.

My brain is literally rewiring itself. I have no permanent brain tissue damage. The information is still in there, but my brain has to learn new ways to find it. Sometimes, it can't find it fast enough to suit me, and I will ask for help.

The important part of that is: If I need help, I will ask for it.

If I find the word on my own, I get it back for good. My brain knows how to find it, and having done so, can do it again. Someone else supplying the word stops me from trying to find it, and means I'm going to be in exactly that same fix the next time I need that word, only it will be harder, because my brain learned 'Ok, get to this point of questioning about where it is and then stop', instead of 'continue bullying brainmeats until it coughs up the location of the word'.

I know 'Don't ask, don't tell' was repealed and all, but in my case, at least, I'd like an exception. If I don't ask, do not bloody tell.


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February 2014

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