Translation from real estate ads.

[spookyevilone]

"Lots of potential!" - it's all fucked up somewhere.
"Charming!" - fugly and smells like old people.
"Non-conforming" - No closets or no egress windows. (seriously.) The one this morning: 1 1/2 Storey 4 br, 2ba, 3br on one level, non conforming bedroom upper. The picture is - quite literally - a crawlspace attic that's been sheetrocked. Drop down ladder and all.
"New carpet" - your house will smell like pee and you will have the cheapest beige carpet available. (the #1 reason carpet is replaced before sale is "animal stains", most of which have soaked through to the plywood floor underneath.)
"Low maintenance lot" - the yard is a) wicked small, b) bare dirt, c) concrete.
"Rehabbable woodwork" - dry rot
"Built-ins" - If you're lucky, useful things like buffets and dresser drawers. If you're not, stupid little knick knack alcoves for statues of the Virgin Mary.
"Bank-owned" / "REO owned" - Fooooreclosure.
"Agent/owner" - stay far, far away.
"Buyer pays POS and escrow" - run, don't walk, away. Massive repairs needed within 120 days of purchase. (POS is Piece of Shit Point of Sale inspection - not the actual inspection needed before a house is bought, but a separate, $150 inspection done by the city where they find all the cosmetic flaws and make you escrow the amount it would cost their contractors to fix within 120 days of sale, and if you can't bankroll that huge estimate you can't buy the house. It's a stupid, stupid idea. It puts the burden on the buyer and not the seller. Since the sellers are often times banks who've let the house sit empty for 1-3 years.. THEY should have to pay it.)
"New roof < 8 years" - check for water damage in the attic.
"Interior renovation from the studs out!" - add a mold kit to your inspection costs.
"Timber frame construction!" - lathe and plaster walls, extremely poor insulation, probably single pane glass windows.

Comments

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

Ahahahah... So very true. Though I will say that when we did the new carpet, we did it right and laid down Killz over the spots that our incontinent elderly boy had inundated. Can't smell a thing in there now.

[melody-rossiter.livejournal.com]

Cute/Charming also = SMALL SMALL SMALL 1 br and a bath in the closet

[pixel39.livejournal.com]

"Cozy" and "Starter home" = Really small 1-bedroom with a kitchen so small the dishwasher has to live in the basement.

[spookyevilone.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I have that shit filtered out. I'm not looking at anything less than a 3br.

[spookyevilone.livejournal.com]

heh. Which is why I have it filtered to nothing less than 3br. I don't even want to look at anything smaller than that. Granted, that means the really nice 6-br, 2.5 ba, 4 car garage + workshop in Andover showed up.. but it's in fucking Andover.

[spookyevilone.livejournal.com]

We did that at my mom's and a year later, the smell came back. :/ We wound up ripping out the floor down to the joists, literally hosing it down with kennel cleaner, painting with Killz, putting down a 3ml vapor barrier, then putting new plywood down. It was major, major suck.

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

We had our first go-round with this when we re-did the floors in the room where the litter box lived. Took some doing, but the combo of scraping, Nature's Miracle and two coats of Killz did the deed. Two years on, it's undetectable.

[zippyfish.livejournal.com]

I love me some Nature's Miracle. It has solved any problems I've come up against, though granted there haven't been many (whew).