Horrible things I've done to other people, part 1

[spookyevilone]

Let me preface this with the statement: I am not a terribly nice person, and if given sufficient cause to be vindictive, will go at it with a will and extreme malicious imagination. By 'sufficient', I mean 'any'. Redhead. Scorpio. Female. 'Nuff said.

So this is the story of how the little plastic parachute toy wound up bonded to a penis. Back in the days of high school, when I used to go to parties on a regular basis because my friends refused to go by themselves and dragged me, I went to one with a friend named Heidi and accrued another 'I can't believe you did something so stupid, Heidi' story. About halfway through the evening, she disappeared. I went looking and couldn't find her, so I waited to see if she'd show up, and lo, she did. An hour and a half later, she returned, freaking out, on the verge of tears, and insisting we had to leave right then. When we left, I made her tell me what happened. She'd gone on a make-out run with a fairly popular guy from my school. She hadn't really intended it to go farther, but one drink thing lead to another and she wound up having sex with him in the back of a very large Oldsmobile station wagon. She'd insisted he wear a condom, and he happened to have one with him. At some point during the sex, he reached down and took it off. She found out afterward when he smirkingly told her and pointed to the prophylactic laying quite a ways away. Heidi freaked out and he just laughed at her, specifically saying that if she got pregnant, he'd deny it was his and since he was a common blood type, she'd never be able to prove it. He also called her a whore, kicked her out of his car, and drove away.

I went stalking. The next weekend, while Heidi had a very clear and public alibi, I went to a party I knew the creep would be at, brought a large bottle of JD and oh so absentmindedly left it on the table near him as I went to use the bathroom. Sure enough, he and his buddies started hammering it back like it was lemonade. I came back to a bottle with not much in it but backwash and three very, very drunk jocks. Who I then egged on to drink even more. The creep wound up passed out in the gazebo a little while later. Having prepared for this, and full of glee that I didn't have to pretend to want to have sex with him to lead him off to a dark, private corner, I whipped out the condom and super glue and attempted to glue a condom to his penis.

Kids, don't try this with a lubricated condom. It doesn't work. Annoyed, I reached into my pocket for other items that I wouldn't mind losing. The only one that seemed appropriate was a little plastic parachute guy I'd found on the sidewalk. He had no parachute, and the symbolism made me happy. I superglued the little guy to the underside of the creep's .. other little guy. And when I say little, I'm not kidding. The parachute guy's head stuck up almost off the end, which worked out well, because it meant I had the thick plastic torso glued above the circumcision scar and along the frenulum. Then I took a bunch of pictures. I worked on the yearbook staff, so I had access to the darkroom at school.

The creep thought one of his friends had done it as a joke, until the pictures started circulating through school with the caption, "Always wear a condom. The penis you save may be your own." He never found out it was me. From what I heard later, he originally had tried to pull it off his skin, and when that started to tear the skin, he got help and used fingernail polish remover. That had to burn.

And, just so people don't get the impression I'm a manhater.. let me just comment that labia + superglue = a lesson on why it's not cool to knowingly spread an STD around school that someone will never forget.

Or so I hear.