This shit only happens to me.

And then I share it with you, Intardnetzwebz!

Last week sucked, and my birthday is coming up, so I bought myself a present - a couple pairs of very cheap "circle lenses". They're contact lenses with bigger iris diameter than normal, and they're all the rage in Asia to make eyes look "bigger". They looked fun and creepy, and they were cheap.

They arrived today. Apparently my eyeballs are small, or these were bigger than I thought, because on me, they almost look like full sclera lenses. Which is an awesome, unintended effect! The colours are so dark, you can't really see what colour they are even on my light grey eyes. Oh well. Freaky contacts = good. The "mirror" lenses I got are not much different than the "white-out" lenses I've had for ages, but whatev's.

So I have a pair of freaky big-eye lenses in. I am dressed in nothing but a towel, because I'm home alone and the towel was a concession to not dripping saline solution all over me.

There is a knock at the door. I'm expecting another package, so I rush to the door and open it. There's a nicely dressed young lady with an equally dressed young man standing next to her.

Her, beaming and excited: "Hi! Have you heard the good news?!"
She sees the contacts, and her smile starts to slip. The young man looks a little discomfited by my attire, or lack thereof.
Me: "Yes! The world didn't end in a firey ball of wreckage on Friday! It's awesome! I had a party on Saturday!"
Her: "I.. what? I'm sorry, I meant God's great good news. If you have a minute, we could come inside and .."

And at that point, my towel slipped free. I managed to pin it to my side, so they didn't get full frontal, but the tatas? They were all up in their faces. Thankfully, I have this congenital lack of shame.

Me: *calmly nodding* "Sure, I have a few minutes. Would you like to come in?"
Her: ".. Maybe we could.. come back another time when you're not..erm.. so indisposed. When would be a good time?"
Me: "Oh, well, let me think.. Today's Monday, so there's the sex therapy group tomorrow afternoon, an adult movie night on Wednesday, body frosting tasting on Thursday.. Friday? I think Friday's free; does that work for you?"
Her: *strangled* "Thankyouyeswe'llcomebacksomeothertime - thankyouagainforyourtime.. Icanleaveyouwithsomeliterature.." *frantically poking a Watchtower and some other pamphlet at me*
Me: *steps back; horrified look* "That's.. paper. Do you have it in electronic format?"
Her: "Nobutwereallymustgonowthankyousomuchforyourtime.."

And she and her cohort left. Not just my apartment, but the building.

Dear Neighbors: You're welcome!