Annoyance.

The phone rang at 6:22am.

Annoying Realtor: Hello! Remember me? I showed you a house behind your friend's and ..
Me: Partner.
Annoying Realtor: ... Sorry?
Me: My partner. Significantly significant other. That Guy Who I Spend All My Time With. Y'know, That Guy.
AR: .. Ah. Um. About the house..
Me: The one with the huge holes in the siding, windows with leaking seals, water damage in the basement from frozen and split pipes and gods know where else they split, drywall damage from same, hideously gross carpet that would all have to be replaced, missing stairs on the deck, ripped wallpaper, and all the other issues a house has when it stands abandoned for two years? THAT house?
AR: .. Yes. I was wondering if you'd had time to consider putting an offer in..
Me: You said you already had five offers on your desk and another one being written, and that it was the bank that was holding it up even though some of them were for your ridiculous asking price.
AR: Well, but you could still put in an offer..
Me: I generally don't like wasting my time. I'd be bidding about half what you're asking, considering the amount of work that would be needed to bring it up to the City's Point of Sale inspection quality within 120 days of purchase.
AR: It's not that bad..
Me: It has hardboard siding that's gone to rot. There are holes you could throw a football through. Birds have nested in them, and probably wasps. The entire house would have to be resided immediately, and new windows put in, and for a house that big, that isn't cheap.
AR: In this market..
Me: You're crazy to be asking what you are for that house. And you have offers, some at full price. Why are you not harassing your bank at 6:22 in the morning to get them to sign the offers, instead of calling someone who isn't interested?
AR: Well, I have these other houses I could show you..
Me: .. What part of 'I already have representation' are you missing out on?
AR: You can have more than one realtor.
Me: Ye-es, I could, but tell me.. why on earth would I choose one who calls me at 6:22am on a Monday?
AR: I'm highly motivated.
Me: You're highly scum. I have to go get ready for work. Goodbye, and do not call me again or I will report you to your broker for harassment.
*click*

Translation from real estate ads.

"Lots of potential!" - it's all fucked up somewhere.
"Charming!" - fugly and smells like old people.
"Non-conforming" - No closets or no egress windows. (seriously.) The one this morning: 1 1/2 Storey 4 br, 2ba, 3br on one level, non conforming bedroom upper. The picture is - quite literally - a crawlspace attic that's been sheetrocked. Drop down ladder and all.
"New carpet" - your house will smell like pee and you will have the cheapest beige carpet available. (the #1 reason carpet is replaced before sale is "animal stains", most of which have soaked through to the plywood floor underneath.)
"Low maintenance lot" - the yard is a) wicked small, b) bare dirt, c) concrete.
"Rehabbable woodwork" - dry rot
"Built-ins" - If you're lucky, useful things like buffets and dresser drawers. If you're not, stupid little knick knack alcoves for statues of the Virgin Mary.
"Bank-owned" / "REO owned" - Fooooreclosure.
"Agent/owner" - stay far, far away.
"Buyer pays POS and escrow" - run, don't walk, away. Massive repairs needed within 120 days of purchase. (POS is Piece of Shit Point of Sale inspection - not the actual inspection needed before a house is bought, but a separate, $150 inspection done by the city where they find all the cosmetic flaws and make you escrow the amount it would cost their contractors to fix within 120 days of sale, and if you can't bankroll that huge estimate you can't buy the house. It's a stupid, stupid idea. It puts the burden on the buyer and not the seller. Since the sellers are often times banks who've let the house sit empty for 1-3 years.. THEY should have to pay it.)
"New roof < 8 years" - check for water damage in the attic.
"Interior renovation from the studs out!" - add a mold kit to your inspection costs.
"Timber frame construction!" - lathe and plaster walls, extremely poor insulation, probably single pane glass windows.

*sigh*

It's kind of sad and yet amusing how quickly, "Sorry, he died in a burning car wreck with his whole family." will shut down telemarketers. Especially when they're selling term life insurance.

The agent's attempt to target swap to me was met with a brief, caustic tirade on just how much money it would take to equate to having my family member back in my life. With enough money, I could buy enough happiness to make up for the loss of my family.

Of course, with that much money, I'd be able to buy a very large island.. like North America..