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spookyeviloneI read through the entire "Twilight" series in just under a day, because I was in motherfucking Orlando and it was too humid and gross to go outside. Also, I hadn't brought any books with and was at the mercy of someone else's bookshelf.
I have to say - I have rarely hated main characters more. Not since I forced myself to read Anne Bishop's books have I wanted to light a main pairing on fire more.
Bella: I am sulky teen martyr doing my ditzy mother a favour and moving to a small town to be with the father I seem to have nothing but disdain for.
Father: Here, have a truck.
Bella: ZOMGILYDADDYKINS! But.. tomorrow's gonna be the worst. day. evar! New school! New kids! I'm going to be totally outcast, woe!
Entire School: Bella, we wants to be your friendz!!!! Love us! LOVE US!!!
Bella: *giggles* Oh, but who are those too-pretty, mysterious, pale kids sitting over there all by themselves? WHOA! Did you see that?! The hotty looked at me!
Her Friends: They're the Cullen kids, and even though they're all foster kids we seem to feel sorry for, they're.. just kinda creepy, so.. we.. uh.. leave them alone.
Bella: But you saw that he looked at me, right? He TOTALLY gave me a look! Maybe I'll have class with him! Oh, my little heart is all aflutter!
She DOES and he GLARES AT HER!
Bella: WAH I WANT TO DIE! HE GLARED AT MEEE! WHY DOES HE HATE ME SO? He's beautiful and wonderful and special and I'm totally hot for him but he clearly hates me and I've done nothing wrong! Is it my shampoo?! Is it the fake strawberry scent wafting off my luscious tresses?! I'll change, Edward! I swear! Give me a chance!
He DOES .. sort of.. and Bella goes off in a blissful little world of teenagehormones crush and gets gooey-eyed-cooties all over the next four books.
Truck: *I SHALL SQUISH YOU!*
Bella: EEEEK! Gonna die!
Edward: *saves her*
Bella: You're my HERO!
Edward: *rebuffs her*
Bella: WAH! I WANT TO DIE! Life isn't worth living without him!!
Edward: *saves her again, and finally gives in to being stalked by this brat for eternity.. and realizes he kind of likes it.. and then gets totally infected by Stockholm Syndrome*
Bella and Edward: *knock fists together* Wondertwin powers, activate! Form of: Completely codependent unit!
Other Vampires: Oh hey there, we heard you playing baseball and .. WHOA! Who brought the snack?!
Bella: I am NOT a snack!
Edward: She's MY snack!
James: Not for long, brat!
Alice and Jazz: *run away with Bella to make her safe!*
Bella: *walks into a trap, because she is STUPID*
James: *bites her*
Edward: *shows up in a rage*
Entire book: *JUMPS THE SHARK for the first time*
Bella: Bite me!
Edward: NO! you'll lose your soul!
Bella: But I'm almost 18! I'm almost OLDER than you! WAH! Don't let me age! I don't want to be Demi Moore!
Edward: No. I'll love you no matter what.
Bella: If you REALLY loved me, you'd bite me so we could be together forever!
Edward: If you really loved me, you wouldn't ask me to do something I'm morally opposed to!
Bella: HELLO! VAMPIRE! No soul, no morals!
Edward and Bella: *fuse into even more sickening codependent couple*
Cullen family: Oh yeah, we're leaving.
Edward: And I don't love you. Never did. Bye.
Bella: WAHHHHHHHH! I WANT TO DIEEEEE!
Charlie: Enough of this moping shit, I'm sending you off to your mother's or a mental institution.
Bella: I can change, Daddykins! Really and for true! *She TRIES; she FAILS*
Jacob: Uh.. Yo, hi, remember me from Book 1? The character brought in for shocking exposition? Hi. I'm over here, and I'm tall, broad shouldered, hot, and I fix cars.
Bella: OooooOOOOooh! Can you fix me a motorcycle?
Jacob: Yup.
Bella: Yay! Because by flirting with you and becoming your friend, I can do dangerous things that let me hear Edward's voice again! And it's totally NOT crazy! It's totally his voice!
Jacob: I'm so glad you never tell me that. Because then I might realize you're a crazy bitch and ruin the love triangle of the next two and a half books.
Bella: *jumps off a cliff*
Jacob: *saves her*
Alice, elsewhere: ZOMG! BELLA JUMPED OFF A CLIFF AND NOW SHE'S DEADIFIED! WAH!
Rosalind: *rather maliciously tells Edward*
Hijinx: *ensue*
Edward: *swoons* My only love is dead, I must now go to the mysterious Italian vampire elite and ask them to kill meeeeee, because I couldn't go find Victoria and let that bitch do it for me.
Italian Family: *stamps him DENIED*
Alice and Bella: *race to Italy*
Bella: *throws self on Edward like a gleeful little limpet!*
Italian Family: *fails to be menacing. Is, in fact, a totally worthless concept in the series*
Everyone: *goes home*
Edward and Bella: *start to look like that creature from Slither when it begins absorbing people*
Jacob: Bella, I can't talk to you anymore.
Bella: WHAT?! Why?! We're BFFs!
Jacob: Can't explain, but if you weren't so fucking vapid, you'd have gotten it by the second chapter of the book.
Bella: I am NOT.. oh. Woof?
Jacob: Woof.
Edward: Too late, JoJo the Dogface Boy. I'm back. She's mine. Go pee on a tree or something. Some OTHER tree, k thx.
Bella: But.. but he's my friend!
Edward: Werewolves are dangerous!
Jacob: Vampires are dangerous!
Bella: *EYEROLLS* Both of you are TOTAL PUSSIES! Get over yourselves!
Boys: *don't. ever.*
Edward: Marry me.
Bella: HELL NO! LOL!
Edward: I won't bite you unless you marry me first.
Bella: FINE! I'll marry you! Let's just get this over with. I'm getting older every day and I refuse to be 19 while you're still .. 177 or whatever. You look 17, because clearly there's a difference between how 17 and 19 yr olds look!
Jacob: But you also love me!
Bella: No, I don't!
Jacob: Yes, you do.
Bella: No, I .. oh.. mm.. damn, you're a good kisser.. so ok, I totally do, but I'm codependent with Edward and thus, I'm going to spurn you for him.
Jacob: FINE! Be that way!
Edward: I would let you go with him, if you wanted to..
Bella: STFU!!!
Jacob: Oh please, that's totally a ploy to make you want to cling tighter.
Bella: Yo, do you remember what I was like when he left? Zombie!Bella? Yeah. pls not to poke the mentally unstable, ok?
Jacob: O..kay. But I still want you.
Bella: No.
Angst: *ENSUES*
Alice: I totally get to plan your wedding!
Bella: NO! I've seen your parties!
Alice: *puppydogeyes!*
Bella: Oh, all right!
Edward: YAY! That means you'll look hot!
Marriage: *happens*
Honeymoon: *happens*
Series: *JUMPS THE SHARK* for the second major time.
Entirety of Book 4: *reads like a bad acid trip in pastel colours*
Ending of Book 4: *makes you want to BURN THE SERIES*
So now, my lovelies, you can spare yourselves, if you wondered what the hype was about.
I have to say - I have rarely hated main characters more. Not since I forced myself to read Anne Bishop's books have I wanted to light a main pairing on fire more.
Bella: I am sulky teen martyr doing my ditzy mother a favour and moving to a small town to be with the father I seem to have nothing but disdain for.
Father: Here, have a truck.
Bella: ZOMGILYDADDYKINS! But.. tomorrow's gonna be the worst. day. evar! New school! New kids! I'm going to be totally outcast, woe!
Entire School: Bella, we wants to be your friendz!!!! Love us! LOVE US!!!
Bella: *giggles* Oh, but who are those too-pretty, mysterious, pale kids sitting over there all by themselves? WHOA! Did you see that?! The hotty looked at me!
Her Friends: They're the Cullen kids, and even though they're all foster kids we seem to feel sorry for, they're.. just kinda creepy, so.. we.. uh.. leave them alone.
Bella: But you saw that he looked at me, right? He TOTALLY gave me a look! Maybe I'll have class with him! Oh, my little heart is all aflutter!
She DOES and he GLARES AT HER!
Bella: WAH I WANT TO DIE! HE GLARED AT MEEE! WHY DOES HE HATE ME SO? He's beautiful and wonderful and special and I'm totally hot for him but he clearly hates me and I've done nothing wrong! Is it my shampoo?! Is it the fake strawberry scent wafting off my luscious tresses?! I'll change, Edward! I swear! Give me a chance!
He DOES .. sort of.. and Bella goes off in a blissful little world of teenage
Truck: *I SHALL SQUISH YOU!*
Bella: EEEEK! Gonna die!
Edward: *saves her*
Bella: You're my HERO!
Edward: *rebuffs her*
Bella: WAH! I WANT TO DIE! Life isn't worth living without him!!
Edward: *saves her again, and finally gives in to being stalked by this brat for eternity.. and realizes he kind of likes it.. and then gets totally infected by Stockholm Syndrome*
Bella and Edward: *knock fists together* Wondertwin powers, activate! Form of: Completely codependent unit!
Other Vampires: Oh hey there, we heard you playing baseball and .. WHOA! Who brought the snack?!
Bella: I am NOT a snack!
Edward: She's MY snack!
James: Not for long, brat!
Alice and Jazz: *run away with Bella to make her safe!*
Bella: *walks into a trap, because she is STUPID*
James: *bites her*
Edward: *shows up in a rage*
Entire book: *JUMPS THE SHARK for the first time*
Bella: Bite me!
Edward: NO! you'll lose your soul!
Bella: But I'm almost 18! I'm almost OLDER than you! WAH! Don't let me age! I don't want to be Demi Moore!
Edward: No. I'll love you no matter what.
Bella: If you REALLY loved me, you'd bite me so we could be together forever!
Edward: If you really loved me, you wouldn't ask me to do something I'm morally opposed to!
Bella: HELLO! VAMPIRE! No soul, no morals!
Edward and Bella: *fuse into even more sickening codependent couple*
Cullen family: Oh yeah, we're leaving.
Edward: And I don't love you. Never did. Bye.
Bella: WAHHHHHHHH! I WANT TO DIEEEEE!
Charlie: Enough of this moping shit, I'm sending you off to your mother's or a mental institution.
Bella: I can change, Daddykins! Really and for true! *She TRIES; she FAILS*
Jacob: Uh.. Yo, hi, remember me from Book 1? The character brought in for shocking exposition? Hi. I'm over here, and I'm tall, broad shouldered, hot, and I fix cars.
Bella: OooooOOOOooh! Can you fix me a motorcycle?
Jacob: Yup.
Bella: Yay! Because by flirting with you and becoming your friend, I can do dangerous things that let me hear Edward's voice again! And it's totally NOT crazy! It's totally his voice!
Jacob: I'm so glad you never tell me that. Because then I might realize you're a crazy bitch and ruin the love triangle of the next two and a half books.
Bella: *jumps off a cliff*
Jacob: *saves her*
Alice, elsewhere: ZOMG! BELLA JUMPED OFF A CLIFF AND NOW SHE'S DEADIFIED! WAH!
Rosalind: *rather maliciously tells Edward*
Hijinx: *ensue*
Edward: *swoons* My only love is dead, I must now go to the mysterious Italian vampire elite and ask them to kill meeeeee, because I couldn't go find Victoria and let that bitch do it for me.
Italian Family: *stamps him DENIED*
Alice and Bella: *race to Italy*
Bella: *throws self on Edward like a gleeful little limpet!*
Italian Family: *fails to be menacing. Is, in fact, a totally worthless concept in the series*
Everyone: *goes home*
Edward and Bella: *start to look like that creature from Slither when it begins absorbing people*
Jacob: Bella, I can't talk to you anymore.
Bella: WHAT?! Why?! We're BFFs!
Jacob: Can't explain, but if you weren't so fucking vapid, you'd have gotten it by the second chapter of the book.
Bella: I am NOT.. oh. Woof?
Jacob: Woof.
Edward: Too late, JoJo the Dogface Boy. I'm back. She's mine. Go pee on a tree or something. Some OTHER tree, k thx.
Bella: But.. but he's my friend!
Edward: Werewolves are dangerous!
Jacob: Vampires are dangerous!
Bella: *EYEROLLS* Both of you are TOTAL PUSSIES! Get over yourselves!
Boys: *don't. ever.*
Edward: Marry me.
Bella: HELL NO! LOL!
Edward: I won't bite you unless you marry me first.
Bella: FINE! I'll marry you! Let's just get this over with. I'm getting older every day and I refuse to be 19 while you're still .. 177 or whatever. You look 17, because clearly there's a difference between how 17 and 19 yr olds look!
Jacob: But you also love me!
Bella: No, I don't!
Jacob: Yes, you do.
Bella: No, I .. oh.. mm.. damn, you're a good kisser.. so ok, I totally do, but I'm codependent with Edward and thus, I'm going to spurn you for him.
Jacob: FINE! Be that way!
Edward: I would let you go with him, if you wanted to..
Bella: STFU!!!
Jacob: Oh please, that's totally a ploy to make you want to cling tighter.
Bella: Yo, do you remember what I was like when he left? Zombie!Bella? Yeah. pls not to poke the mentally unstable, ok?
Jacob: O..kay. But I still want you.
Bella: No.
Angst: *ENSUES*
Alice: I totally get to plan your wedding!
Bella: NO! I've seen your parties!
Alice: *puppydogeyes!*
Bella: Oh, all right!
Edward: YAY! That means you'll look hot!
Marriage: *happens*
Honeymoon: *happens*
Series: *JUMPS THE SHARK* for the second major time.
Entirety of Book 4: *reads like a bad acid trip in pastel colours*
Ending of Book 4: *makes you want to BURN THE SERIES*
So now, my lovelies, you can spare yourselves, if you wondered what the hype was about.