spookyevilone (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
spookyevilone) wrote2009-08-25 03:42 pm
spookyevilone) wrote2009-08-25 03:42 pm
Entry tags:
Things not to say to recruiters.
Before I had Current!Job, I did some temp work via various staffing agencies and for various recruiters. Some were fantastic and kept me employed in a crashed out market, and others weren't worth spit. I knew one was a bad deal when I went to an interview and the questions being asked were a hiring metric I had written five years prior when I worked for an executive search firm. There are stock questions that get asked. I'm not the most mature individual and am definitely not above messing with recruiters who are wasting my time with bad interviews. Keep in mind - the below answers are things I have personally, actually said, usually in a chipper, perky, smiling, and enthusiastic manner. (and that mental image alone is probably enough to send anyone who knows me spluttering into laughter.)
Examples:
"What is your most important accomplishment to date?"
I haven't brought an assault rifle to the top of a bell tower yet.
"How would you describe your ideal job?"
I'd like a job that allowed me to telecommute, paid seven figures, was willing to relocate me to a tropical island, and didn't involve working with idiots.
"Why did you choose this career?"
It beats flipping burgers.
"How do you personally define success?"
A score over 25000 in Bejeweled. Because that means I'm totally on my game. Totally.
"What accomplishments have given you the most satisfaction in your life?"
When I was four, I was a child actress in a blueberry muffin mix commercial. They told me not to actually eat the bite of muffin. I ate it anyway. It was yummy.
"If you had to live your life over again, what one thing would you change?"
My first car would definitely, DEFINITELY, have been blue instead of silver.
"Would you rather work with information or with people?"
Information. Information is useful and sometimes interesting. People disappoint me in that respect.
"Are you a team player?"
I tend to find other human beings useless sacks of animate carbon, but when put into a team situation, I quickly take charge and turn those sorry slackers into a competitive and functional unit. I was a drill sergeant in a past life. I also sank on the Titanic, but it's the drill sergeant akashic memory that I find most useful in those situations.
"What motivates you?"
Travel. I like to travel, and I need money to do it, so that motivates me to stay employed. That, and I have a really expensive antique book habit.
"Why should I hire you?"
Because I will be the most valuable asset to your company you could hire at this price, until I find a better job.
"What major problem have you had to deal with recently?"
I had this bump on my leg and I told the doctor it was a boil but he didn't listen to me, and it just kept getting bigger and bigger. No amount of squeezing would pop this thing. I had to go back to the doctor three times to get them to finally listen to me and lance it, and when they did, it was a complete eruption of pus. The stream hit the far wall of the office. Man, that was gross. (No, I did not actually have a boil.)
"If I were to ask one of your professors (or a boss) to describe you, what would he or she say?"
'Oh, she's joining the workforce? She must not have finished her manifesto.'
"How has your education prepared you for your career?"
Part of my education involved getting a full rabies titre panel and learning how to deal with sick, injured, and otherwise dangerous wild or exotic animals. During the course of the education, I learned how to determine which animals could be saved and which it was more merciful to euthanize. I've found these skills invaluable while working in the legal field.
"Do you enjoy doing independent research?"
I prefer independent research, as most of my coworkers have - to date - been mucking forons.
"Do you have any plans for further education?"
Yes. I plan to take motorcycle driving classes in the near future.
"What qualities do you feel a successful manager should have?"
The sartorial sense of Armani, the patience of Gandhi, and the ability to go on "Are you smarter than a fifth grader?" and win.
"What do you know about our company?"
Interestingly enough, I went to your company web site, tracked down the names of your board of directors, and ran skip traces on all of them. In addition, I took some drive by surveillance footage of their houses and ran the plates of the visible cars. I know Board Member A currently has a bench warrant out on him for an unpaid speeding ticket, Board Member B has an interesting blonde visitor that shows up roughly half an hour after his wife leaves for work, and Board Member C's children are currently failing out of parochial school. Both your web designer and your PR hack should be shitcanned at the earliest opportunity - if you want to make that call now, I can wait. No? Ok. Your website is not secure. I was able to infiltrate it in about 40 seconds and replace your main background graphic with nude dancing gnomes..
"Where do you see yourself in five years?"
In a cult.
"Where do you want to be ten years from now?"
Leading the cult.
"Describe an incident where you had conflict with a coworker and how you resolved it."
I had an argument with a coworker over whether the margins of a document should be 1" or 1.25" and he kept insisting on 1.25" so I punched him in the arm.
and
A paralegal I worked with insisted on using Comic Sans in legal documents, so when she was out sick, I went in and changed all her passwords and removed the Comic Sans font from her machine. Then I got her fired.
I should perhaps note that these answers will not always guarantee the recruiter won't call you back.
Examples:
"What is your most important accomplishment to date?"
I haven't brought an assault rifle to the top of a bell tower yet.
"How would you describe your ideal job?"
I'd like a job that allowed me to telecommute, paid seven figures, was willing to relocate me to a tropical island, and didn't involve working with idiots.
"Why did you choose this career?"
It beats flipping burgers.
"How do you personally define success?"
A score over 25000 in Bejeweled. Because that means I'm totally on my game. Totally.
"What accomplishments have given you the most satisfaction in your life?"
When I was four, I was a child actress in a blueberry muffin mix commercial. They told me not to actually eat the bite of muffin. I ate it anyway. It was yummy.
"If you had to live your life over again, what one thing would you change?"
My first car would definitely, DEFINITELY, have been blue instead of silver.
"Would you rather work with information or with people?"
Information. Information is useful and sometimes interesting. People disappoint me in that respect.
"Are you a team player?"
I tend to find other human beings useless sacks of animate carbon, but when put into a team situation, I quickly take charge and turn those sorry slackers into a competitive and functional unit. I was a drill sergeant in a past life. I also sank on the Titanic, but it's the drill sergeant akashic memory that I find most useful in those situations.
"What motivates you?"
Travel. I like to travel, and I need money to do it, so that motivates me to stay employed. That, and I have a really expensive antique book habit.
"Why should I hire you?"
Because I will be the most valuable asset to your company you could hire at this price, until I find a better job.
"What major problem have you had to deal with recently?"
I had this bump on my leg and I told the doctor it was a boil but he didn't listen to me, and it just kept getting bigger and bigger. No amount of squeezing would pop this thing. I had to go back to the doctor three times to get them to finally listen to me and lance it, and when they did, it was a complete eruption of pus. The stream hit the far wall of the office. Man, that was gross. (No, I did not actually have a boil.)
"If I were to ask one of your professors (or a boss) to describe you, what would he or she say?"
'Oh, she's joining the workforce? She must not have finished her manifesto.'
"How has your education prepared you for your career?"
Part of my education involved getting a full rabies titre panel and learning how to deal with sick, injured, and otherwise dangerous wild or exotic animals. During the course of the education, I learned how to determine which animals could be saved and which it was more merciful to euthanize. I've found these skills invaluable while working in the legal field.
"Do you enjoy doing independent research?"
I prefer independent research, as most of my coworkers have - to date - been mucking forons.
"Do you have any plans for further education?"
Yes. I plan to take motorcycle driving classes in the near future.
"What qualities do you feel a successful manager should have?"
The sartorial sense of Armani, the patience of Gandhi, and the ability to go on "Are you smarter than a fifth grader?" and win.
"What do you know about our company?"
Interestingly enough, I went to your company web site, tracked down the names of your board of directors, and ran skip traces on all of them. In addition, I took some drive by surveillance footage of their houses and ran the plates of the visible cars. I know Board Member A currently has a bench warrant out on him for an unpaid speeding ticket, Board Member B has an interesting blonde visitor that shows up roughly half an hour after his wife leaves for work, and Board Member C's children are currently failing out of parochial school. Both your web designer and your PR hack should be shitcanned at the earliest opportunity - if you want to make that call now, I can wait. No? Ok. Your website is not secure. I was able to infiltrate it in about 40 seconds and replace your main background graphic with nude dancing gnomes..
"Where do you see yourself in five years?"
In a cult.
"Where do you want to be ten years from now?"
Leading the cult.
"Describe an incident where you had conflict with a coworker and how you resolved it."
I had an argument with a coworker over whether the margins of a document should be 1" or 1.25" and he kept insisting on 1.25" so I punched him in the arm.
and
A paralegal I worked with insisted on using Comic Sans in legal documents, so when she was out sick, I went in and changed all her passwords and removed the Comic Sans font from her machine. Then I got her fired.
I should perhaps note that these answers will not always guarantee the recruiter won't call you back.