We all float down here..

Attempted biblethumping, thwarted

2014-02-24T22:21:28Z

While cutting through the student union, I was victim of an attempted biblethumping.

Biblethumper: "You look like a woman who knows where she's going!"
Me: *nods; continues walking*
Biblethumper: "Then you must have planned which direction to take your mortal soul before you die? Have you given any thought to letting Jesus into your heart?"
Me: *stops, slow headtilt* "My body to be rendered to ash, freeing my soul to return to the spiral nebulae and the eternal embrace of Yog-Sothoth. Yog-Sothoth is the gate. Yog-Sothoth is the key and guardian of the gate. Past, present, future, all are one in Yog-Sothoth. I deny your 'Jesus', born of mortal woman. My gods are born of stars and void, eternal of presence and awesome in their majesty."
Biblethumper: *backs. away. slowly*
Me: *exit, stage left*

Do not fuck with the literate.

comments

Shit my friends say

2013-12-10T18:27:25Z

I love K.

"You can buy test tubes of wigglies on the internet. Gosh. That's, um.. just.. gosh."
"You can even pick which celebrity you want the person supplying the wiggiles to resemble."
"Gol-ly. I dunno even what to think of that. Superficial, I think is what I think. Is there a checkbox for 'healthy, happy, and preferably intelligent'?"
"Pfft. Like people wouldn't lie about that."
"Coz they don't lie about who they look like?"
"There are pictures, leaving it up to the ova-bearer to decide for herself."
"Oh. Hm."
"Do not even think of getting me a frozen test tube of wigglies for Giftmas, K."
"But you saiiiiid you wanted to buy one secondhand, and it'd be!"
"I want a secondhand baby, not the parts for a do-it-yourself kit!"
"Aww, I thought you said That Guy liked putting things together."
"Tell you what, if you get me a do-it-yourself Cylon baby kit, sure. If it's wigglies in a jar, you'd better just put those in your breakfast shake because I sure as heck don't want 'em."
"That'd be a very expensive protein add to my shake... I think it'd be better as a stocking stuffer for you."
"Dude, if there are wigglies in a stocking, the stocking better sure as hell be /yours/."

It took him a minute to catch the reference, and then he giggled so much he literally fell off his desk chair. And then he gravely reminded me that he's been snipped.

I did not inquire further as to the state of his socks.

comments

I swear this shit only happens to me.

2013-11-22T20:48:00Z

There's a rather large flock of wild turkeys roaming the campus this year. They've been doing us a service by eating the mostly rotted Ginko fruit that's littered the lawn by the building I work in. Rotted Ginko fruit smells exactly like decomposing dog shit. Only you'd need a dog the size of a Triceratops to get a stench this big.

Driving in to work today, I had to stop and swipe my garage pass. One of the poults^* hopped up on the hood of my truck, all 'Oh hai thar'. All I could think of was:

I turned on the wipers, the poult backed off but stayed on the hood. I tried to shoo it off, it ran to the other side of the hood and gave me a hurt look. So I got back in the truck and waited. As you do when there's a really stupid bird that has these on their feet:

Having worked with raptors^*, I see talons and all I think of are the other raptors. The ones with claws like these on their feet:

I am not stupid enough to get in a confrontation with a bird that could seriously hurt me if it panics.

The Parking and Transit service dude, however, was not so smart. He came over and told me to move the truck.

"Can't. Turkey on the hood. I tried to shoo it off, but it's stubborn. It'll likely get bored in a few minutes and hop off."

"You have to move the truck now. You're blocking one of the entrances."

"There are three more right next to this one, and nobody's come in for the last ten minutes. I'm pretty sure I can give the dumb bird a few to get a move on."

"I'll scare it off the hood for you, then you can move the truck."

"That's a bad idea..you've already started to chase the turkey. Great."

So this guy tries to shoo the turkey. It runs to the other side of the hood. He runs around the front of the car to that side, yelling and clapping his hands and looking all manner of foolish. The bird just moves out of reach. Wash, rinse, repeat several times. I'm trying not to laugh, and I really regret that I didn't bust out the cell phone and get video.

The bird hunkered down and leaned forward. I heard the guy say something about it ready to fly and.. well, birds in that position? Flying isn't what they're about to do. Which the guy found out. He reached to try to startle the bird, and it let loose. And I do mean loose. Semi-liquid stress urea and feces, from a Ginko-laden diet, came out at force and hit the man's lower face, neck and chest. Thankfully, most of it did not land on my car. I had the windows up and the air wasn't on, and even so, I could still smell the horrendous stink he'd just been covered with. Only after, when the man was screaming obscenities and gagging and trying to clean his face off, did the bird hop off my truck and scamper off into the grass.

At that point, I couldn't move the truck because I was convulsed with hysterical laughter and gagging. I did manage to hand the man a roll of paper towels to help clean himself off.

And this, folks, is another reason why you don't harass the wildlife. Seven hours later, I'm still giggling.

^* - a young turkey
^* - birds of prey

comments

Conversations with a brother.

2013-09-27T18:24:03Z

"Is that the little shithead I want to waterboard with bear piss?"
"Why with piss? I mean, water works, so why piss?"
"Piss in the lungs hurts worse than water."
".... How do you know that?"
"Jetty, there are some things that a man just does not talk about with his little sister, ever."
"No, but.."
"No. Big brother talking. Baby sister just has to trust me."
"But.."
"No."
"Where did you even GET bear piss?!"
"From the bladder of a bear. Where else would you get it?"
"If I knew, would I ask?!"
"Fair point."
"Are you going to go bear hunting when you come home?"
"NO, JETTY! BAD! BAD SISTER! NO! STOP PLOTTING RIGHT NOW, YOUNG LADY!"
"But..!!"
"NO!"
"It's so cute how you think that the more you repeat it, that I'll eventually take it as an answer.."
"It's not like you ever listen to the first 'no'. I have to say it at least seven times before you start to think I might be serious."
"You're never serious."

comments

Hazel.

2013-08-08T23:07:33Z

I guess I should back up. 7 weeks ago, I lost $Stupid_Cat. $Oldest_Cat did not take the loss well, and would roam the house, yowling plaintively. If I opened a door, he'd run through it and race around whatever room was on the other side of the door, yowling and looking for his brother. Yes, I let him see and sniff the body - he hissed at it, gave me a dirty look, and ran away. It became clear that he did not understand that $Stupid_Cat wasn't coming back. I kept telling him - we've seen that movie, it didn't end well. That did nothing to console him. He yowled. It was the most pathetic, sad yowling I've ever heard out of an animal in my life. He'd yowl so hard he'd puke. Usually on my bed. It was breaking my heart and driving me bugfuck at the same time.

Can't get another cat. On top of That Guy being allergic, my choice was either a) adopt an older cat and put up with health issues/vet bills that go along with older cats only to lose it in far too short a time, or b) get a kitten with a 20 year commitment. I can't. I'm still grieving the last one.

A dog is not an option because I work full time and that isn't fair to the dog. Nothing nocturnal, nothing that stinks, so ferrets, chinchillas, and hedgehogs were right out. Naked mole rats require a lot of specialized gear so they don't get too hot or too cold or too dry, and I'm just not up to knitting tiny little mole rat sweaters. I'd been thinking about a rabbit for awhile. Pretty much since $Stupid_Cat seemed bound and determined to waste away on me. It was only half-hearted thinking. Rabbits are a lot of work and, having had them in the past, I know that I loathe cleaning bunny cages.

$Oldest_Cat being a sad little psychotic made it more imperative. He needed company. Cats and rabbits are capable of getting along, he has no killer instinct whatsoever - I mean, really. The damn cat brings me live mice in the middle of the night, dropping them on my face and meowing at me all "Mom, the small furry thing is out of it's cage. Put it back in the cage, mom. It's eating my food again." So I wasn't worried that the cat would hurt the rabbit. I was more worried that a rabbit would hurt the cat. But I couldn't take the yowling and the grief anymore, so three weeks ago, I went to the Animal Humane Society to check out their rabbits, and came home with the one that stole my wallet out of my purse.

He's a Rex, about 9lbs and roughly 3 years old. That's roughly early middle age for a large breed rabbit, so he only has 6-7 years left - about what I expect $Oldest_Cat to have. He had two puncture wounds on his back from either a big dog or fly strike when I took him home, plus two other patches where it was clear he'd had skin ripped off. With my love for 'Watership Down' - he became Hazel.

$Oldest_Cat was originally made of hisses when I brought the bun home, but he has since warmed up. Hazel is pretty much, "Hello, New Friend!" about the cat. $Oldest_Cat enjoys watching Bunny TV, and has exchanged sniffs and face rubs with Hazel willingly. The yowling has died down to a manageable level, and the stress-puking has completely stopped. Once the house is cleaned and organized, and my cables are all put inside conduit, the hope is that Hazel can become a free-range house rabbit and he and $Oldest_Cat will become best buddies and I'll have a cat/bunny Utopia until they both die at a ripe old age, on the same day, so I'm not left with another grieving pet. Hey - it's good to have goals.

The house rabbit thing is working out well, so far. The litter pan is easier to deal with than the old school trays under the wire bottom cages used to be. His rabbitat is a heavy duty dog playpen set up in a 6'x3'x40" rectangle with a coroplast bottom. He can stand up, he can (and does) run around like a spaz and hop and flip and do bunny parkour. His poop magically goes away because people want it for compost. He keeps me occupied, and he's completely sweet. I've never had a rabbit that would hop up to me and nudge his big fat head under my hand to be patted before.

Anyway. Pictures. Not very good because he does not hold still.

The rabbitat looks all clean and empty.. it's since got another litter pan perpendicular to the first, and toys, and cardboard boxes for Hazel to rip up. I love how it makes my giant bun look tiny, though.

So there you have it. The reason I have an excess of poop lately.

comments

Poop talk.

2013-08-08T22:21:40Z

"Hi, I'm $Name, and I'm here about the poop?"
That's going down in history as one of the more interesting openings to a phone conversation I've had.

See, I have this bunny and he poops. Rather a lot, which the vet tells me is healthy, and thankfully most of it goes in his super easy to clean litter tray. Apparently, the only time to worry about bunny poop is when there isn't any, because that means there's something wrong, so I have to take a more active interest in another creature's shit than I ever really wanted to. I've caught myself looking into the litter tray and worrying -actually goddamn worrying- that there's not enough shit in there, but thankfully, my adorably fuzzy little shit machine has consistently ramped up production by the end of the day to put my mind at ease about that.

In the last week, my CSA farmers as well as someone on Freecycle put up notices that they were looking for poop for their compost piles. Being the generous soul that I am, I graciously let them know I had bunny poop to spare.

They wanted it. They came and got it. I am left feeling smug, because shit - literal shit - has left my house and I didn't have to do more than bag it and hand it out the door. I realize it's compost gold - hell, I have a worm bin and that's where some of the litter has already gone but unless you have a rabbit, you are seriously underestimating the amount of poop and litter that has to be dealt with. I'm used to scooping a cat box out every day and that -heh- ain't got shit on this. These people came to my house and took the bunny poop away for free. It's not taking up valuable real estate in the trash bin, I don't have to set up a dozen more worm bins to deal with it, it's gone away. Wheee!

I wish I could find someone who wanted recycled cat food as much as people want recycled hay. My life would be just about goddamn perfect.

comments

Looking on the bright side.

2013-06-21T15:18:08Z

1. If I ever have to move again, I'll have more options because finding places with one cat is easier than places that allow two.
2. Cat litter will last twice as long. (I fully expect that $Oldest_Cat will start peeing more just to spite me.)
3. There will be half as much cat hair cluttering up my house. Or: I can procrastinate longer between vacuuming.
4. I can go back to buying the good, healthy cat food instead of the garbage that was all $Stupid_Cat would eat.
5. I won't have to yell at the boys to stop fighting anymore, because the 3am spats will no longer be waking me up.
6. No longer have to play 'Ok, what $!@$^ impossible space has he found to hide in today?' or panic that he's somehow escaped into the Big Blue Room without me noticing.
7. No more being woken up by the Worst Kitty Halitosis In The World.
8. No more "KITTY! Don't eat that! That is not food!" ($Oldest_Cat, not being a little kitty retard, doesn't try to eat things like kleenex and q-tips.)
9. Half as many claws to clip, ears to clean, puddles of hairball to clean up after.
10. Half as many vet bills.

I keep telling myself these things and more, trying to see light through the dark. I'm alternating between the anger and acceptance stages of grief. I keep trying and failing to find something funny to say. About as close as I can get is "I'm thinking about replacing him with a Naked Mole Rat, since they are immune to cancer and can live up to 30 years." but nobody seems to find that funny except me.

Anger, because over four years and thousands of dollars of vet bills (multiple vets as well), "there's nothing wrong with your cat", "If I saw the test results, I'd think you had a perfectly healthy cat, because his numbers are perfect. But I've seen him. I don't know what to tell you, other than it might be a food sensitivity." There was clearly something wrong with my cat. He'd go in cycles where he'd lose most of his body weight, I'd play Musical Foods until I found one he'd eat again, he'd gain the weight back and then two years later do it all over again. This last time was the third cycle, and it was the worst, where he was down to literally skin and bone. My own internet sleuthing told me it was either hyperthyroidism (and his thyroid was "fine" on ultrasounds), or chronic kidney disease (and his numbers were also "perfect").

For anyone else who has a cat that suddenly starts looking like a model for anorexia, I highly recommend this site. It not only gives more specific examples of symptoms, but lists pretty much every test to have and things to do to maintain a cat with CKD. CKD is almost impossible to diagnose until a good chunk of the kidneys have *already failed*. In the case of $Stupid_Cat, it was never diagnosed, but I treated him as if he had been, and watched his food and fluid intake, added baking soda to his food to stave off metabolic acidosis, gave him gushy food - anything to keep him eating and drinking. In the end, I was right, but that's not really comfort. I'm trying not to be angry. I'm trying to acknowledge that it's just a stage of grief, this anger. It's hard. It's hard not to start the blame game, and it's impossible to not blame myself, even though there's nothing I could/would have done differently even if I had received an official diagnosis.

$Stupid_Cat went into acute renal failure two days ago. He died yesterday morning. He went peacefully, at home, which is about all one can ask for a 14 year old cat. That's where the acceptance part comes in. This long, frustrating fight is finally over. He didn't suffer. He wasn't in pain. He just.. stopped. He was planted in the back yard of my sister's house - the house I grew up in - yesterday, in a spot chosen because there was a random catnip plant growing there. The serendipity of that appealed to me.

The night before $Stupid_Cat died, $That_Guy called and asked to speak to him. I put the phone to $Stupid_Cat's ear. $Stupid_Cat heard his name and turned to look at the phone, and when $That_Guy started talking, $Stupid_Cat started purring really loudly. That, and the way he and $Oldest_Cat touched noses and purred at each other the final time, are the two memories I am choosing to keep from this death.

$Stupid_Cat
August 8, 1999 - June 20, 2013
Went out of my world the same way he joined it, curled up in my arms and purring.

$That_Guy and $Stupid_Cat head-booping, during cycle #2 of "why the hell is my cat wasting away". $Stupid_Cat did not have stegosaurus spines, those are the ears of $Oldest_Cat, who is far too dignified to head-boop.

"Rainbow Bridge" comments not accepted or appreciated. Seriously, keep that glurgey fucking nonsense as far away from me as possible.

comments

Shit My Brothers Say

2013-02-14T01:32:25Z

ACTUAL CONVERSATION TIME:

"Why am I on speakerphone?"
"Because I've just Saran Wrapped my head and can't put the phone to my ear."
"Why did you Saran Wrap your head?!"
"Coconut oil."
"You're trying to protect your head from rampaging coconut oil?"
"..Yes. Exactly."
"Why didn't you use bear or moose grease LIKE A NORMAL GIRL?!"

The shit I put up with, I tellya..

comments

A Tale of Two Hundred Ponies.

2012-08-08T05:59:13Z

I don't generally ask people what they want, because I feel that if I ask, it more or less obligates me to do everything in my power to fulfill whatever want they come up with. I have a very long resume of accomplishing even the most bizarre requests.

So you'd think that someone who's known me as long as $Good_Twin has, that he'd know better than to answer, "What do you want for your birthday?" with "Marzipan My Little Ponies! An entire ARMY of them!" And, perhaps, that my calm reply of, "Ok" should have set off every warning bell the boy has.

Apparently you'd be wrong.

He was born at exactly midnight, August 7. I decided this called for a two-day pony event.

He just called me a little while ago, screaming incoherently because his doorbell rang and, arrayed on plastic sheeting on his lawn, were 100 My Little Ponies, made out of marzipan and pulled sugar, all individually painted with different MLP decals.

It apparently took him awhile to get them all in the house.

I'm waiting for him to go back to sleep.

Because what's better than 100 marzipan My Little Ponies?

200.

Of course.

comments

Yellowstone!

2012-06-28T19:47:07Z

I get to cross one thing off my bucket list this year: Go to Yellowstone to see it before the caldera blows and buries the United States in 13' of volcanic ash.

I'd just talked to That Guy about scheduling a trip out there this year, and the scheduling put it around the end of August at the earliest. The next day, my best friend emailed me with "So, it's short notice but do you want to go to Yellowstone on Saturday?" Things worked out enough today that I can go and I'm super excited.

There's already a list of Things Peregrine Is Not Allowed To Do.

1) Wolves and wolf cubs are not to be smuggled into the vehicle.
2) No baiting of obnoxious camps with cat food pellets.
3) Not allowed to tell obnoxious children that the water isn't really that hot and suggest they stick their fingers in.
4) Prairie dogs carry plague.
5) I should not take advantage in any way, shape or form of #4
6) No screaming "My gods, I think it's erupting!" unless it is, actually, erupting.
7) Not allowed to convince anyone there are Sleestacks nearby.
8) Amoebic Meningitis. Nuff said.
9) No cooking in the hot springs.
10) re #9: of anything or anyone.

Kind of a boring list. I'm sure I'll find some sort of trouble to get into. I'm tempted to take my Sam, Frodo, and Gollum minifigs with and do some sort of photo montage. Except then I'd lose one of them.

comments

Food review: Pizza Luce's Molly Bar.

2012-03-12T18:39:09Z

CAVEAT: I loves me the hells out of Pizza Luce. When looking at new domiciles, I specifically looked for one within their delivery zone. Their pizzas are heaven, love, rainbows, and all things good - baked on a pizza crust. They even have gluten free pizza crust and pasta options, which is where our story begins. I normally do not do food reviews on this site but this.. this needs to be done. For the good of mankind.

One of their gluten free offerings is a dessert called a "Molly Bar", which is described as, "Our delicious gluten free and dairy free chocolate brownie."

"Ok, that's possible," thought I, "if they used cocoa butter instead of regular butter and dark chocolate, which isn't adulterated by milk.. Ok. I can see it. How bad can it be?"

Thankfully, right on the heels of that, the cautious side of my brain went, "Bitch, you are ordering one of their regular brownies, just to be safe. Just in case." The Molly Bar is $3.39, a regular brownie is $2.49. While the prices might seem high, let me inform you that by "brownie", they mean "a slab of frosted, baked chocolate heaven roughly 8"x4"." The Molly Bar was slightly smaller but denser. This turned out to be a good thing.

The super perky delivery dude showed up in a short amount of time. Taking bounty in hand, I quickly began divesting the bags of the goods. The first thing I noticed was that the brownie was frosted and the Molly Bar was not. Then I imagined a dairy-free version of frosting and realized why. It looked like a decadent, moist brick of chocolatey goodness. Eager to try this new treat, I unwrapped the cling foil and inhaled as though sampling a fine wine. It smelled of chocolate. Thus encouraged, I took a bite. My teeth met some odd resistance, a chewy texture that was distinctly at odds with "brownie" and more akin to "mochi". "A'ight, they used them some tapioca starch in this bad boy. A'ight, that's ok, that's common for GF foods. I can muscle through this."

I closed my mouth and gave a chew, savoring the bite. Attempting to savor. Only without any actual savoring taking place. At all.

My very first thought was, "If I bite my tongue off at the root and spit the entire mass out, will it stop? Will the taste of horror.. stop?" It is almost impossible to describe the sensation of creeping disgust that overwhelmed my senses.

But I'm going to try!

The texture.. Imagine a bunch of black tapioca bubble tea pearls, cooked past the point of goodness and into gelatinous mass, but properly soaked in a mix of brown and regular sugars. Then, imagine a very confused termite mistaking this mass for wood and chowing down, and for dessert, finding some cacao and carob nibs to nom on. Replete with pulp, our termite wanders down into the very bowels of Hell and finds there a baking pan. Imagine our termite puking up his bounty into the pan and wandering off, leaving it to steam and congeal.

I am used to mochi. I am used to all sorts of random Asian seafood-or-tapioca goo gels/puddings/food. The Molly Bar is a whole new level of "Jesus Christmas, what the /fuck/ is this?!"

The taste.. So, you've gotten as far as imagining a steaming pile of tapioca-cocoa termite puke, right? Now add brown rice syrup. Add to that the most horrificly bitter aftertaste heretofore unknown by the tongue of mortal man. I had to check the label, but apparently the FDA does not require "hate" to be a listed ingredient, nor "the bile of a thousand evil serpents". The entire inside of my mouth was trying to cringe away from this substance, while everything it touched was being coated with some sort of oily, waxy, bitter film. The chocolate was a lie. There was a vague, tantalizing hint of it, but it was totally smothered by the rest of it.

"Well, this is as bad as it gets. Might as well swallow it and get it over with. 1, 2, 3: Down the hatch!" Because clearly, I was so overwhelmed with abject disgust that I was beyond rational, coherent thought. I attempted to swallow it. My throat closed up around it as though to deny passage to this hellspawned, Satanic goo. It took the chugging of an entire glass of water to force it down. I could feel it, sitting there in an oily, waxy, gelatinous lump in my stomach, repudiating the attempts of my stomach acids to turn it into something digestable.

Brushing my teeth and using mouthwash did not get rid of the oily, waxy feel or the taste.

Garling with hydrogen peroxide, followed by salt water, did nothing except add a piquant salted flavour to the horror that had overtaken my mouth.

At that point, there was nothing left to do except injest copious amounts of alcohol until the nasty taste died or my tongue became so numb that I no longer noticed it. A third option was death by alcohol poisoning, and that was preferable to having this taste in my mouth one moment longer.

Eventually, alcohol-fueled ennui overtook me and the sense of loathing slowly faded. I wound up in a conversation with Kel over whether I should call a priest, a HAZMAT team, those nice people who clean up after really messy crime scenes, Mythbusters, in an attempt to rid myself of the remaining foulness - and whether any of that was preferable to cutting it into tiny pieces and freezing it to have on hand when people didn't believe me about the awfulness of this thing.

I threw it in the trash, because lo, I am lazy.

That's not the end of the story.

Something got into my trash and ate it, leaving behind the tattered remains of the cello wrap and product ingredient sticker.

There was a dead, bloated raccoon in the alley the next morning.

It could be a coincidence.

Right?

Right??

TL;DR - even if you are suicidally depressed and your life is made of tragedy and woe, you do not hate yourself enough to eat this goddamn thing! Don't do it. Really. Truly. Avoid at all costs.

comments

Death and cuteness.

2012-03-03T05:18:49Z

The last of the Great Aunts died yesterday. She was 98. She was also one of the people without whom I would have grown up to be completely sociopathic, with zero empathy for other human beings¹. There are certain human beings who, by their very existence, redeem the rest of the human race. Some people believe that person to be a mythical Jew the Romans subsequently nailed to a cross and left in the desert to die. For me, those people are a lot more personal, and she was one of them.

Yesterday wasn't a good day.

My godless daughter found out about this, and cuteness ensued:
"I'm sorry your aunty died, Aunt P. Will I be sad when you die?"
"No, by then you'll be all 'MUAHAHA, the power, it is ALL MINE!'"
"I think I'll be sad."
"You're not allowed to be sad. You have to make up all the lies about how awesome I was."
"I don't need to lie about that."
"You still aren't allowed to be sad for me, kiddo. I love you. I don't want you to be sad, ever."
"But you'll be dead."
"Oh, I'll totally be haunting you, so I won't be gone."
"Promise?"
"Absolutely."
"'K. I won't be sad if you're my Capser."
(Yes, Capser, fuck off, she's 5. She means Casper. If you don't know who that is, you're not old enough to read this blog because you haven't yet learned how to use Google.)

Then her father got on the phone.
"Can I be sad if you die?"
"No. Remember the ghost thing? I have one word for you: 'poltergeist'."
"FUCK YOU I HATED THAT FUCKING MOVIE OMG NIGHTMARE MATERIAL FOREVER FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!!"

So, y'know, I totally win. :D

There is currently a betting pool on how long it takes the godless daughter to call me to renegotiate this agreement so she can be at least a little sad when I die. I have no doubt whatsoever that this renegotiation attempt will happen and have already begun coming up with silly, illogical arguments to distract her from thoughts of my mortality.

When I die, I expect it to be the end of this life and if any part of me remains past that, I don't anticipate being in any condition to know or care about it one way or the other.

If I do my job right, the people I love won't ever be without me. Even when I'm physically gone, my voice will still be there in the back of their mind, saying exactly the right thing at exactly the right moment, even if that 'right thing' is something snarky, silly, or outrageous. The memory of my presence will be there for them.

If I do my job right, the answers to the question of "What Would Peregrine Do?" will be blindingly obvious - and will make them smile.²

That? That is immortality. That is my idea of Heaven.

¹ - On any given day, my world is very small and the human beings I care about are very few. There are no days when there are no human beings I care about. This would not be true without certain people. I am profoundly grateful for those people.

² - "Something probably involving thermite."

comments

I am a terrible person.

2012-02-07T05:47:48Z

Godless Daughter: "Why shouldn't we eat yellow snow?"
Me: "It tastes like lemons. You don't like lemons."
Her: *pause* "I think it tastes like pee."
Me: "Why do you know what pee tastes like?"
Her: "Well, I don't, not really."
Me: "So you can't be sure yellow snow tastes like pee until you try actual pee."
Her: "Yeah, proba..AUNT T! I AM NOT GONNA DRINK PEE!"
Me: "But eating yellow snow is ok? Isn't it past your bed time?"
Her: "I DIDN'T EAT IT! I JUST SAID WHAT I THINK IT TASTES LIKE!"
Me: "So, again.. you don't know.."
Her: "STILL NOT GONNA DRINK PEE!"

Yup. Still doing my job right. :D

comments

Behold another of my brain babies.

2012-02-03T03:43:42Z

Tumblr link here.

Relevant: Fuck yeah, figured out the stupid IMG size things so it's not wonky as hell!

This morning, I woke up angry. I didn't sleep very well last night, because I was angry. I have officially Had Enough of the bullshit attacks on Planned Parenthood by anti-women conservatives. I am tired of their funding being threatened every three months because, in addition to the massive amount of health services they provide, they also provide abortions. I posted on FB (as one does when one is in a frothy fit of rage, no?) a request for a poster, and detailed exactly what I wanted it to say and look like. Texty came through in spades, and created this. It's slowly crawling its way across the internet. I am very tempted to Zazzle the shit out of it and turn it into stickers and donate any proceeds to Planned Parenthood. I'm also tempted to print a thousand of them and wallpaper the hell out of the conservative congresscritters I can get ahold of - and keep in mind, Bachmann is regrettably in my state.

Why am I angry? Because I'm one of the women who've used Planned Parenthood's services. They've provided me with affordable gyn exams when I had no insurance, on a sliding scale that meant I could pay for it so I didn't have to put it off. It meant that when I found a lump in my breast that hadn't been there two days before, I went in to get it checked out right away. They had me scheduled for an exam, lumpectomy, and possible mastectomy at a nearby hospital /that day/ - and thankfully, it turned out to be a goddamn cyst and not the hideously malignant breast cancer it could have been. They provided me with affordable birth control from age 18-32. When I was 19 and pregnant and terrified and paranoid, their counselor took time out of her day to sit on the phone with me and go over what options I had available and where I could turn for financial help with prenatal and post-natal care outside what they offered. I will never forget that woman. Her most lasting comment was, "Honey, it sounds like you want the baby but not the boyfriend." She was right. After I miscarried, they provided the pelvic to make sure I was ok and offered resources for grief counseling. When I had brain explody and needed to know what my options were for birth control, I called them because my neuro's office said "you can't use ANY birth control" - Planned Parenthood had better, and more accurate information.

When I had a job and good insurance, I still went to them for my gyn care, because when I go to Planned Parenthood, I am dealing with an organization of doctors and nurses who give a shit about me and my health. They have proven it over and over again by the kind of care I get when I go there. I donated every time I went in, because it helps pay for the next woman who can't - and hell, that's been me more than once in my life. It's me right now.

I've said before - I honestly do not know what I would have done when I was 19, if I hadn't had any options. I already felt terrified and trapped and had no clue what to do. Admittedly, I called for information about abortions, but what I received was information on how to make an informed choice and what resources were available to me if I chose to keep the baby. Yes, I received information about abortion as well, but that woman on the phone spent a long time talking to me - just talking to me - to get a better idea how to help me.

I am no longer that scared teenager, but I still use their services and I support them wherever I can so that they will continue to be around for the next scared, lonely, confused teenager who has nowhere else to turn.

Politicians take note: I'm a woman who uses Planned Parenthood. I keep track of who votes to defund them, and that vote will influence mine in coming elections.

[edit:] Yes, I Zazzled them.
Buttons and Stickers and Poster. They are priced so they earn exactly $1 per purchase. If they're purchased, the money will be donated. You can bet your ass it won't be to the Komen for the Cure asshats. :P

[edit 2:] Updated all Zazzle products with a better res image, courtesy of Texty. Whee!

comments

Goodbye, Chez Stamp.

2012-01-31T15:17:05Z

I am now officially done with the physical space that was Chez Stamp, and fully moved into $Duplex. The only thing left is to wait for Stamp's management to try to screw me out of my deposit, as they have done with everyone else that has moved out in the last year, and the ensuing court dates.

$Duplex isn't that much bigger than Chez Stamp, but since it's not up three flights of stairs, I was able to get rid of my 10x20 storage unit and bring furniture and boxes of books back to my domicile. The boxes of books represent mostly just the paperbacks and a few hardcovers I've acquired in the last 10 years. It's about 1500 of the 6k or so books I own. Physical books, not even counting the several thousand ebooks, though to be fair, most of those are duplicates of books I own in some other form. Everyone needs at least one addiction, right?

In the process of bringing home the Stuff From Storage, I've noticed that when I moved everything into the pods, and then into the storage unit, I really didn't do a very good job of purging. I think I was grabbing everything in the house, stuffing it into a box, and putting it into the pods so I didn't have to think about it. Much of it has respawned in the meanwhile, or spontaneously generated from amidst the piles of stuff. I'm weeding through it all and people on Freecycle and Craigslist are making out like bandits. For gits and shiggles, I put some of it on Swap.com and we'll see if anything comes of it. Eventually, I will have an organized living space with just the stuff I want to keep. That'll be a nice change :P

comments

You're not helping.

2012-01-03T03:35:19Z

I've had aphasia since I was 8. It sorsened after the brain explody. Before, I'd occasionally completely garble a word, have to pause, reorient my brain and mouth, and then try again. Now, I have moments when the word just.. goes away. I know what I want to say, and I'll be halfway through the sentence and poof, the next word I need just isn't there.

What you hear:
"I was driving the other day and I looked down at the ... ... .... "

What you see:
Flat affect after the pause, because my brain has just put its resources into Finding That Goddamn Word and can't be arsed to create an expression on the meats covering the front of my skull.

What's going on in my head:
"GODDAMNIT! I know this word! It's the thing. The thing under the speedometer, the digital readout thing with numbers telling me how far I've traveled. Not GPS, not speedometer.. Things on the dash: RPM, oil light, ABS light, check engine light, idiot light, speedometer.. and the thing that tells me how many miles I've traveled is the..ODOMETER! FUCK YOU, APHASIA! I WIN! IT'S THE GODDAMN ODOMETER!"

Occasionally, you might hear:
"I was driving the other day and I looked down at the.. thingy.. below speedometer.. thingy, numbers, tells how far I've gone.."

And that is frustrating, knowing that I know the word but my brain has temporarily misplaced it.

What is more frustrating is when someone tries to "help" by supplying the word I'm reaching for. It makes me immediately, seethingly angry. I try not to be, I try to counsel myself that they're only trying to help, and that it's not fair to them to have to wait so long for me to finish the sentence. But it still makes me angry.

Because they aren't helping at all. They are, in fact, delaying my recovery by exactly one word.

My brain is literally rewiring itself. I have no permanent brain tissue damage. The information is still in there, but my brain has to learn new ways to find it. Sometimes, it can't find it fast enough to suit me, and I will ask for help.

The important part of that is: If I need help, I will ask for it.

If I find the word on my own, I get it back for good. My brain knows how to find it, and having done so, can do it again. Someone else supplying the word stops me from trying to find it, and means I'm going to be in exactly that same fix the next time I need that word, only it will be harder, because my brain learned 'Ok, get to this point of questioning about where it is and then stop', instead of 'continue bullying brainmeats until it coughs up the location of the word'.

I know 'Don't ask, don't tell' was repealed and all, but in my case, at least, I'd like an exception. If I don't ask, do not bloody tell.

comments

So, I'm moving again.

2011-12-26T18:04:58Z

Chez Stamp was supposed to be a three-month layover until I was in my new house. When that fell through, I just didn't have the energy to deal with anything, and then my mother died, my job went away, and I don't deal well with change even when I'm firing on all cylinders. Staying at Chez Stamp was much easier than moving.

That changed when the living room ceiling started a reoccurring leak that springs up in a new place just as soon as the old leak gets patched. I have foam-filled beanbags as furniture. One of them is 7' long. I live in fear of the day I come home to a leak that's turned my couch into a giant sponge. And then there's the mold issue in the ceiling that is causing me to go broke buying allergy medication just so I can function. Thank gods Allegra-D is over the counter now.

I've found a lower level duplex that suits me. I go to sign the lease on that tonight. Part of me, the part that's been having all sorts of nesting urges for a year or more now, is happy that I'll have somewhere that I can decorate and arrange to suit me. The rest of me is anxious. Moving right now, with my job status being "contract" is stressful. Moving in winter is stressful. A small part of me is stressed out because I'm moving into a one-bedroom, which means it's only for a year or two until things stabilize, because there's this whole adoption plan and I can't resume that until I have at least a two bedroom. Oh, and a job that's stable for at least a year. But there's that whole looming 'moving in the future' stress just sitting there, staring me in the face.

Hell, moving at all is stressful. I have to pack my stuff, which requires sorting through said stuff to remove Stuff That Needs To Go Away Forever, putting stuff in boxes, moving it to a new location, unpacking the boxes, and then arranging the stuff in places that make sense to me. I dislike change at the best of times. On top of that, there will be Noises. It's a new neighborhood and a new house with a new neighbor living above me, and I have PTSD. Every new noise will have to be cataloged and filtered out before I'm comfortable. It'll take about a week, but it will be a week of little to no sleep because every noise will be startling me awake. My housewarming gift to myself may be Skyrim, because hey, if I'm not going to sleep anyway.. :p

On the up side of things, the walls are not beige. They are earth toned, different in every room, and the colours suit me. I can put things on the walls as long as I fill in holes after I leave. There is a small fireplace with a working and cleaned chimney. There are French doors into the bedroom. The kitchen is bigger than a one-butt. So is the bathroom, although I am not certain the tub/shower is. There's a mudroom for storage. There's a trapdoor in the kitchen to a crawlspace, in case I need to hide a body temporarily. There is off-street parking for winter so I don't get towed. I can garden and have carte blanche to put in whatever plants I want. It has hardwood floors throughout. It's on three major bus lines and two blocks away from the Light Rail. There's Pizza Luce, United Noodle, a co-op, an Aldis, and Sebastian Joe's, all within reasonable biking distance, which is either a really awesome thing or an 'oh gods, I'm going to go broke' thing. One of my requirements was 'must be within a Pizza Luce delivery area', which, if you've ever had their pizza, you totally understand. If you haven't had their pizza, you are missing out. Seriously.

The move is going to be a good thing. It's an incredibly anxious thing, and I am not looking forward to packing or unpacking AGAIN.. but it'll be a good thing once it's done.

Right now, I mostly need to be somewhere I can be happy. I need somewhere that feels like "home". Chez Stamp was never happy-making or home. It was make-do-until. Apparently after the original "until" fell apart, the new "until" became "until you are minutes away from teaching the building owner and manager what grievous bodily harm means". The kitchen is so small it gives me fits any time I try to do anything, the ceiling in the living room has turned into an indoor waterfall several times over the last eight months and is now a mold garden, and the claustrophobic layout means I can never have more than one person over at a time. Granted, I don't usually want to have more than one person over at a time, but occasionally I do and not having the option makes me a sad panda. The new place is laid out better, and I will have space to cook and feed people, and when I clean it, it will actually feel clean, which makes me happy. And like I said, right now, I need that.

Forward momentum.

comments

Happy Saturday!

2011-12-24T14:09:53Z

Whether or not you celebrate a $WINTER_HOLIDAY this weekend, I hope you have a lovely time of rest, cocoa, and cookies.

I have to do a last minute dash to the store because the %^$%^$#^@#$@ scotch tape has gone AWOL again and my procrastinating of gift wrapping can't be put off much longer. Part of the issue is that the wrapping paper didn't arrive from ThinkGeek until yesterday, for lo, I am miserly and didn't want to pay for overnight shipping when I ordered it. My annual search for plain, non-denominational, pretty holiday wrap at the stores around here once again met with failure, but ThinkGeek came to the rescue (again).

That Guy and I are doing our traditional Xmas eve of pizza, Mythbusters, cocoa, booze, and possibly fire. If there is snow, which so far there is not. It's so weird to have a brown Xmas. I've ordered snow tonight. I don't know if it will be here in time.

Happy $WINTER_HOLIDAY|$WEEKEND to all, and to all a good $DAY|$NIGHT^*

^*I am not a coder. I don't even play one on TV. So delete the comment you were about to post, get off the fucking intertrons, and go do something fun today, mmkay? Love and kisses, me.

comments

Hi. I'm not normal. This shouldn't be a surprise.

2011-12-05T04:46:22Z

I have PTSD. I have had it for 30 years, which is the majority of my life. My mental status quo is as good as it's going to get, and it's lightyears better than it was when I was growing up.

Most people who meet me think I'm neurotypical. I'm not. People with schizophrenia, autism, or aspbergers peg me as one of their tribe almost immediately, and I'm not, although I share certain aspects of each of those. PTSD changes the composition and chemical makeup of your brain. Mine has been changed for most of my life, and I'm still struggling with a certain amount of disassociation and hypervigilance. But because people assume I'm "normal", they don't understand why I'm not social, or why I'll insist that I can't do something that is easy for them. I tell them, "That will make me panic." The most infuriating response is when people say it'd be "cute" or "funny" to make that happen. Because they think I'm normal, see, so they think I'd maybe hyperventilate or possibly scream a little.

That isn't what panic looks like on me. My fight-or-flight doesn't have a 'flight' option.

I know what my triggers are. I don't like being in a situation where loads of people are staring at me, particularly if they're all standing behind me, or between me and the only exit in a room. Rooms with only one exit make me nervous. Having my wrists restrained is a bad one, though it's gotten less bad over the years. The feeling of being smothered, which can include the water from the shower pouring over my face or a bathroom full of steam. Things jumping out at me. Loud, sudden noises. High pitched noises. Being in a room with a lot of background noise or loud music or conversations, because then I can't hear the things around me. Gunshots when I'm not expecting them, especially at close range. Gunshots on a shooting range is perfectly fine, because I have ear pro on and the sound is muffled - and if I'm on a range, I've prepared myself to be there. Things coming toward my face. The feel of certain textures. The most odd one came up recently - the part of an avacado, the dark green part just under the dinosaur-egg shell. Not the light green edible yumminess - the slimy outer coating. Touching it will send me into hysterics, because it feels like the layer of tissue between scalp and skull. Because I know what that feels like. I have known since I was 7 years old.

It's rare that I have a triggered panic attack anymore, because I've learned to control my environments and the people I'm around. I've learned to lock myself down and I've also learned how to talk myself out of the hysteria tree, for the most part. But let me walk you through what it feels like.

It starts with nervousness, a tightening of the gut, and the need to look around the room, find the exits, examine faces. Hypervigilance sets in hardcore and I start examining the minutae of the room, the people, their body language, their expression, things they're saying. I start obsessively counting things - how many times that person tapped their hand, how many cups are on that table. My brain itemizes which things around me could be used as a weapon. It finds places in the room that could be held against a mob. It assesses who is most likely to be a threat, where they are in the room, where they are in proximity to me. The gut tightening gets worse and I start convulsively swallowing, because there's a horrible metallic taste in my mouth. It's the adrenaline, and I know that, but I always think if I just swallow enough, it'll go away. It never does. Unlike a lot of people, I don't hyperventilate - I go the opposite way and have to force myself to breathe, otherwise I'm holding my breath with anxious anticipation. My heart will start to hammer and I'll often break out in a sweat. At this point, I'm still aware and cogent and able to take steps to make sure it doesn't get to the next part. I duck out or duck under something. If I'm in a room full of people, this is when I get outside, and barring that, I put myself in a corner or under a table. Literally, under a table. It drops the acoustic ceiling and makes it less noisy so I can focus and breathe.

If someone is foolish enough to try to stop me leaving, or makes a big issue of what I'm doing, say by pointing it out or trying to be "helpful" and talking to me in baby-reassurance talk, it will just reinforce that I'm going bugfuck and make my anxiety that much worse. Even at this point, I'm still aware enough to snap at people and tell them to back up off me, leave me alone, don't touch me. If left alone long enough, I will either calm down and get a grip or GTFO of the situation. The best thing to do, if I'm in this situation, is to back away and ignore me until I grab the sanity reins again.

But there are people in this world who Do Not Get It. They think they're "helping" by doing things like hugging me or getting in my personal space or trying to "talk me down". Which for some stupid reason involves touching me.

The panic can go from "lucid" to "unholy monkeyfuck batshit" in less time than it took you to read that. When that happens, my vision goes grey around the edges and becomes hyper focused tunnelvision. Everything is warped and out of perspective, because my brain has just decided reality is not where it wants to be and disassociated, and I'm so flooded with adrenaline that I am literally hallucinating. I'm seeing monsters. I don't recognize people around me, and you don't want to be in my peripheral vision. I don't understand English. Everything is warped and terrifying and threatening. All I want is to be left alone and anything coming toward me is perceived as a threat, and I only have one way of responding to a threat.

I go fucking berserk. I hit, kick, slap, bite, headbutt, knee, elbow, and basically become a whirling, spitting, screaming, swearing, hissing, growling dervish of insane fury and will beat the living fuck out of whatever is in my personal space. I won't feel any damage I take, because my adrenaline output is so high. I won't stop attacking unless people back up or pile enough bodies on me that I can't - and that makes it much, much worse. Leave me alone and I can bring myself back down out of the monkeyfuck tree eventually. Restrain me in any way, and I lose my shit and will scream until my throat bleeds, and require pumping enough sedatives into me to knock me out cold, because even under chemical restraints, if I am aware, I will fight. If sedation is required, I wake up in an ambulance or a hospital and that's yet another trigger, but doctors and nurses generally know to leave the panicking person the hell alone.

The most horrible thing is that somewhere, I'm aware the whole time this is going on. I'm disassociated, so part of me is watching it and cringing in embarrassment and anguish, helpless to do anything to stop it. I will feel awful later, for hurting someone - and I /will/ hurt someone if they don't back away, and there's always someone who wants to play psychiatrist and try to touch me.

The part people don't get - if I lose control, I cannot stop it. I hate that feeling. It's part of why I'm as Type-A as I am - I absolutely need to be in control of myself. I don't get high, I don't get drunk - hell, I don't even get tipsy unless I'm secure enough in the company I'm keeping that it's not an issue for me, and that is rare. There's no drug or therapy in the world that will fix PTSD. The only way to prevent it totally is to put myself on a drug regimen every day that turns me into a Thorazine zombie with no emotions whatsoever. It is at this point as good as it's ever going to get. I am functional on a daily basis. I know what the triggers are. I know how to get away before I go psychotic. I don't put myself in situations where I might spontaneously go monkeyfuck. I am only social on my terms, and if I'm having a bad day or my reserves are low, I'm comfortable calling whoever I was to be social with and begging off or begging a raincheck. The people around me are not people who would be upset by this, so there's no anxiety there. The people I hang out with are not going to stare at me like I've grown a second head if I suddenly and abruptly insist I need to get outside, get somewhere quiet, get away. I don't work in an environment where triggers are likely to happen. That Guy knows I am tweaky in crowds and doesn't make me be his +1 in situations where I might not be comfortable. He doesn't like crowds either, so he's on board when I'm all "It's time to go now, yes?" It irritates me a lot when people assume he's being a jerk by not inviting me to events. It makes me feel bad that they blame him, when it's not him. He's known me this long - believe me, he knows what situations would tweak me the hell out, and he doesn't subject me to them. A recent comment by one of his friends was, "Wow, two events in one month! It's almost like you're a REAL girlfriend!" It made me neurotic as hell. Should I offer to go to more? Is That Guy upset that I'm such a tweaker that I can't go to things with his friends very often? Does it bother him that I have to be social on my terms? Does he want me there? Does he not want me there? That one was fairly easy to talk myself down from. If it bothered him, he would tell me. When he requires my presence, he asks me. And if I had to say, "No, I think I'd be too tweaky." - that would be ok.

The people who think it's cute or funny to set me off, or who threaten to instigate a panic attack basically cause me to write off that person and the situation. Example: I'm in the SCA. I panic in crowds. I mentioned this as a reason I don't go to court, and asked TPTB to please never call me into court and here's why it would be cruel to me. One of TPTB wrote back an email that said, basically, "It's not about you, it's about your friends and the populace seeing you honored, so if it happens, you need to man up and go into court and now that I know you'll panic, I'll make sure to have people escort you to make sure you show up." That person has ensured that I don't go to court. I've gone exactly three times since then, and all three times were when I had to go because I had a report to make. I have friends sitting on the thrones right now. I'd really like to go to their court, to see them in shiny gold hats, because it makes me smile that they have the shiny gold hats. They're my friends and I absolutely know they would not set me off - and I still can't do it, because it's now been logged in my brain as a potential triggering event - because someone threatened to make it happen. Another dumb one is karaoke. I can't sing - and I mean physically, it literally makes my throat bleed, I cannot sing. Friends do karaoke and I offered to go and watch, and they threatened to kick up a fuss and make everyone chant my name until I stood up and sang. The very thought of that makes me want to vomit. They threatened to invite me out to dinner at some point and not tell me it was karaoke until I got there, and make that happen. I don't associate with any of those people anymore. I don't go to that restaurant, either, just in case.

I do my best to not go bugfuck in public. I haven't had an incident in years. I am social on my terms and I have learned to not associate with people who can't accept that.

This post sponsored by this other post here - not all of it applies to me, but enough of it does.

comments

More adventures on the bus.

2011-11-29T01:56:02Z

Today, a stop after my transfer, an adult male with autism got on the bus. I wasn't sure at first, but it became evident after a few minutes. He repeatedly stroked the side of his chin as he got on the bus, took a seat, and hunched down and began talking softly to himself. The more people got on the bus, the louder he became, and the chin-stroking moved on to flapping. Right hand on his right knee, back of hand to palm, over and over. When he was loud enough that I could hear him, it was hard not to stare in surprise. It was the most fascinating case of echolalia that I've seen. He was clearly repeating conversations, but he was doing it with savant-level mimicry. His voice changed, the tone changed, the accent changed, and the language changed several times. I recognized Cantonese, Japanese, and Czech. The only thing that stayed the same was the tone of the conversations - they were all happy. Occasionally, when something he said was funny for him, he'd give a real laugh and not a mimicked one, and it was adorable. Some of the conversations were a bit salty with the language, but dude was clearly repeating happy conversations. It wasn't until the guy behind him made a phone call that I realized dude was repeating overheard phone calls - he repeated what the guy behind him said. "Hello, is this Robert?" "Hello, is this Robert?" "Oh, hey, is your name Robert too?" *headshake* He picked that guy because of the people around us on phones, that guy sounded happy.

A lady with two kids got on the bus. She was clearly already in a foul mood, snapping at her kids and swatting them to get them to move forward faster so they could get seats. She sat kitty corner from dude and clearly made him nervous with her aggressive tone toward her kids, because he began rocking and the flapping got worse, and he got louder.

"Shaw-NAY-uh! Girlfriend, you scandalous! You need to back up off that boy 'fore he gets with some other bitch won't trash him for some wannabe-rapper-whiteboy. *voice change* [Something in Japanese.] *voice change* No, man, I don't give a shit for any of that. No no no, I don't give a shit, really! It's ok, he can have the car. Yeah, it's ok. *voice change* It's going to be CHRISTMAS soon! I can't wait for snow! What? Yeah, we're going to go skiing.."

And then Bitchy McBitchpants took umbrage and yelled at him to shut up, that he was swearing, and I quote: "Can't you see there are some motherfucking kids on this here bus?? Watch your mouth, you crazy bastard!"

I turned to her and very calmly said, "Leave him alone. He's not hurting anyone."

She gave me a glare but shut up. It lasted about ten minutes, until we hit the downtown mall. It's all lit up for the holiday parade that happens every evening around 5. One of Bitchy's kids stood up to see out the window, peering at the lights and looking for the parade. She grabbed him and yanked him violently down into his seat and yelled at him. Dude got loud again, "Got my board and I'm gonna hit the park. *voice change* That homework? Brutal! But I aced it. Yeah, I'm sure! *voice change* [Something in Czech] *voice change* Did you get it?? I got it! It's going to be awesome! Shit, yeah, man!"

Bitchy went off on him, standing up and towering over him to scream at him. "DIN'T I TELL YOU TO QUIT YOUR FUCKING SWEARING AROUND MY KIDS?! ARE YOU FUCKING SLOW?! SHUT YOUR GODDAMN MOUTH UP!"

That's about how long it took me to get up and in her face and back her up off the dude.

Now, I'm a fairly irascible person - but there's a difference between when I am annoyed and when I am angry. You can tell by the amount of swearing - when I'm angry, the swearing stops and the Icy Glare of Death comes out. She was bigger than me in both height and girth. The woman tried to go all aggro Alpha bitch. Too bad for her I can do rabid aggro Alpha bitch without even raising my voice.

Me, calmly: "Shut up and sit down."
Bitchy: "YEAH?? WHAT YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?"
I stared at her, and I smiled, and apparently that conveyed just how close I was to giving her a painful life lesson.
She sat down.
Bitchy, sitting down and glaring at me: "What are you, the retard whisperer?"
Me: "Must be. I'm talking to you."
Bitchy, trying to regain footing: "Tell him to shut up, then!"
Me, calmly: "He's trying to stay calm, and that's his method. If you don't stop yelling at him, he's likely to lose his calm and, m'am? If you make that happen? You are going to want to get off this bus."
Bitchy: "He dangerous?"
Me, smiling: "I didn't mean because you'd be in danger from him."

She glared at me until she got off the bus, but she was mercifully silent the rest of the way. Dude was able to calm back down and go back to mutter-level talking.

She's very lucky I grew up with someone who had a processing disorder and learned at a very early age not to do anything aggressive that might send them on a meltdown. She's really, really lucky that her aggression didn't cause dude to have a meltdown. If she had caused that, I probably would have lost my shit on her, because her actions had put me in a total fury.

Been home over an hour. Still angry enough to spit brass tacks.

comments

From 0 to 'Enraged' in four sentences.

2011-11-14T04:32:28Z

[Editor's Note: This conversation took place just before Thanksgiving. I locked it because I wasn't sure it had a point to it. I've decided it does, so I'm posting it.

I had a conversation tonight with my sister that sent me into a frothing rage because I object to everything in the conversation on so many levels that I couldn't articulate it during the conversation.

"Are you spending Turkey Day with That Guy's family?"
"No, he and I will do something on our own."
"Oh, that's good."
"..Why?"
"Well, don't you think you should lose some weight before meeting his family?"
"I've already met them. And? No. I do not think that at all. I am me. Fat, skinny, or motherfucking purple, I am ME and if anyone has a problem with that, tough."
"You're never getting married, you know."
"Don't care. Hey, hate to cut this short, but the cat is throwing up. Gotta go. Bye!"

List of Passive Aggressive Bullshit In This Conversation:
1) I should be ashamed of my weight.
Response: BULLSHIT! I am happy at the weight I am. I have no problems with my body, except that I'd like to tone up a little. And my boobs are annoying and sometimes I wish they were held on with velcro so I could remove them and leave them at home when they bothered me. And I wish I had robotic Terminator legs. But I digress.. it shouldn't matter if I was 111100lbs, if I was happy with myself and my body image. It is nobody's place to tell me, with or without words, that I should be ashamed of my body.

2) I should lose weight to "look good" or make a "good impression" on That Guy's family.^*
Response: MORE BULLSHIT! So, not only should I be ashamed of how I look, but That Guy's family is shallow enough that it would matter? No. They're not, and they're not even my family and I resent the hell out of that implication on their behalf. But let's say they were. Let's say the Bizarro Universe version of them showed up and were shallow and image-centric. In what bloody universe would I ever give a flying fuck about the opinion of such people?! I mean.. are we also assuming I'm from Bizarro Universe? Because it would take a brain transplant to make me into someone who would ever give a shit what someone else thought of my body. At that point, I wouldn't be me anymore anyway and it wouldn't matter.

3) That Guy is ashamed of my weight and that is why we're not having Turkey Day with his family.
Response: Right. This has absolutely nothing to do with my social anxiety in crowds (his family gatherings are frequently large) or That Guy's compartmentalization of social groups. Or the fact that they'll likely do a traditional turkey thing and I'd sit there and make sad noises because I couldn't have any. It's all about an objection to my weight. And, even though That Guy has never said or done anything, ever, to indicate he has any issue with how I look - no matter how I look, and let's not forget this man frequently sees me in the mornings before I've showered or brushed my teeth - he's just being passive about his embarrassment of me. If I even thought that were likely to be true, I wouldn't be with him. Because my self image and self esteem is strong enough that I do not feel the need to be in emotionally abusive relationships. Which is why, dear sister, you are on notice.

4) My refusal to lose weight to look good for his family means he won't ever propose.
Response: Really, if that mattered, I wouldn't want him to anyway. Because I've been there and done that and gotten the shiny diamond ring, and I learn from my experiences. I'm not wasting my time wondering if he will or if he won't. I don't care. I'm happy + he's happy = perfectly fine arrangement by me. I see no reason to change that unless something in the equation changes, or there is a legal necessity to do so. I actually can't decide if I'm more incensed at the very idea that I should be pining for a marriage or the idea that my weight has anything to do with whether or not I ever get married.

5) Fat people are undesirable and nobody wants to marry them.
Response: I think this is the bit that makes me foam at the mouth the most. Marriage shouldn't be about image, not even in the minds of idiots. It shouldn't even be about love. I mean, love is nice and definitely a bonus in a marriage, but really, love on its own is a shitty reason to get married. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. That's what that whole 'for better or worse' part is about. It's two people agreeing to form a partnership and support each other for as long as the marriage lasts, mentally, emotionally, and physically if it comes down to it - and to extend that partnership to the raising of pets and children. Marrying because someone fits your image of what your ideal arm candy looks like is stupid. Marrying because you're "in love" is equally stupid unless you're also damn sure you're compatible with sharing a house, vehicles, bills, pets and children with that person. If you have all that, and you love the person, and your only objection to marrying them is their weight, frankly: You are a lousy, rotten, worthless human being and I hope you step on a Lego. Right under the big toe, where it'll hurt for hours.

I may not ever get married, but either way, it would have not a single, solitary damn thing to do with my weight. I may not get married because, and I know this is shocking since I'm female - I do not feel the need to get married. It'd be an easy way to change my name to something people can correctly pronounce and spell, but really? I can do that without getting married. Or if he committed a felony of which I had knowledge and I wanted to be sure I couldn't be called to testify against him. But frankly, were he to commit felonies, I trust him to do it in a manner that there is nobody with direct knowledge.

That Guy's Responses
So, foaming at the mouth in rage, I called That Guy so he could convince me homicide was not a valid response. When I got to the "Don't you think you should lose weight.." bit, his commentary was, "That's the part where you should have just hung up on her." When I finished relaying the conversation, his response was, "Because she's qualified to give relationship advice." I could hear him eyerolling. Seriously. He eyerolled so hard I could hear it over the phone. This is why I keep him.

^* I've already met them. Everyone survived the encounter.

comments

Recipe: Fake Fitgers Brewpub burger, Attempt #1

2011-11-06T20:54:40Z

If you don't live in MN, you've probably never heard of Fitgers Brew Pub. If you haven't been there, or if you have been there and not had their Harvest Moon burger, I weep for you. I truly do. Even obligate carnivores chow on this wild rice veggie burger with open glee. It's that good. Fitgers confirmed that the burger is not gluten free.

Sadly, Fitgers is 3 hours away from me, and they steadfastly refuse to mail me boxes of frozen Harvest Moon patties. Bastards!

I decided to try and make my own. I looked online and several people have tried to replicate the burger, using Saltines and egg and wild rice. That didn't seem accurate to me, so I decided to experiment.

Attempt #1 - Result: Tasty veggie burger, but not Harvest Moon.
2c. uncooked Wild Rice (cooked up to about 5 c. - I let them sit in the fridge a few days to dry a bit.)
3c. cooked/canned Garbanzo Beans, smashed(Note: Didn't use all of them, and also tried to squish them in a blender but that didn't work so I smashed 'em with a grid-style potato masher.)
1/2 c. Oat Bran
1/2 c. Almond Meal (cheap, skin-on almond flour, not the retarded expensive skinless blanched kind)
3 eggs
1 T. minced garlic
Dash of cumin
Dash of salt

Mix wild rice with oat bran and almond flour until well incorporated. Add garlic and cumin and salt. Begin adding garbanzo bean paste until it almost holds together as a patty. Then crack in the eggs and knead until well incorporated.

Fry on griddle or in pan. Makes roughly 18 burger-size patties and a few smaller ones. They held together fairly well, and they are damn tasty.

Notes for next time: Try black beans instead of garbanzos - Fitger's burgers are darker. Also maybe add another egg because they might hold together even better.

Gluten free, chemical free, vegetarian. You could leave out the almond meal and use more oat bran, or sub corn meal, if you had to avoid a nut allergy. Could possibly use whisked flax seed meal with warm water to produce a binding agent if you had to avoid eggs.

I don't know where it falls on the carb index, but wild rice has more protein and less carbs than brown rice, and between the wild rice, oat bran, almond meal and eggs, it's chock full of protein and dietary fiber.

But screw all that - it is tasty! I would happily eat this instead of a Boca/Morningstar farms "burger" any day of the week, and I am not just saying that because I made up this recipe. I ate one today on an Udi's Gluten Free hamburger bun with smoked Gouda cheese, catsup, mustard, and pickles and it was tres yum. I am going to force That Guy to eat one and give me his opinion as well. Will report back on that later.

Want another one, but they're so filling I don't have room.

comments

WHYYYYY???

2011-11-04T07:02:29Z

Last week, I read an interesting study about the species of wheat that is currently in.. everything. And how it's basically Satan. The coached it in scientific terms like, "directly linked to Type 1 Diabetes", "leading cause of IBS and inflammatory issues", "morphine-like euphoric effects on the brain". But, basically, wheat is the new Satan. Just like carbs were two years ago. Only this time, with actual data. Also, I suppose, since wheat are carbs, they're Satan².

I was going to try going low-carb for a bit again anyway, but I decided to try going low-wheat instead. I thought that would be easier.

It isn't. Wheat is in bloody everything. Counting carbs? Easy-peasy. Tracking down food that isn't corrupted by wheat? Try it some time. I've become used to reading labels due to my dietary issues and those of others around me, so I've seen the bizarre fuckery of things wheat and carbs have crept into. Chocolate, for instance. Or peanut butter. Neither of which need wheat as an ingredient for anything, ever.

I knew better than to go no-wheat. For one, it would require diligence I just do not have the energy for. For two, I found TimTams at Target and you can take away my TimTams when you pry them from my cold, dead hands.. and even then, look out, because I will replace the TimTams you have stolen with your living, pulsing brain! I've allotted myself one TimTam a day. The only other wheat is what is in soy sauce, because if I have to choke down rice, there is by gods going to be soy sauce involved.

Charting my food on Livestrong tells me that I'm hitting about 750 calories a day, which is way below that 2k daily dietary requirement and still about 200 calories more than I normally eat unless I'm binging on junk food. (Please note: I eat. Oh, boy howdy, do I eat. Vegetables apparently have no calories worth counting, so on calorie counts, I look anorexic.) I feel full. I don't have times during the day when I am actively hungry. I'm not tired or lethargic.

However, I also now think there is something to this 'wheat as addiction' thing. Because I am in the throws of withdrawal. More like a nicotine fit than junkie jonesing, but definitely something physical. Headache above/behind left eye, crabby enough to punch out a nun and steal her communion wafers, the constant desire to be chewing on something - preferably something like a croissant or bagel - even when I'm so full I couldn't eat another bite. It's very much like having a hypoglycemic episode - except the blood sugar monitor says I'm well within normal and I'm not shaky like I get when I haven't eaten. My nutrition is spot on with the right amount of carbs, protein, fats, sugars, etc. There's no physical reason for me to feel like this. Except I totally do.

I've been a vegetarian for years. Going off meat wasn't nearly this hard. Possibly because I could replace the meat with pasta. Replacing pasta, however.. Ugh.

So far, I have noticed absolutely zero positive effects of this dietary restriction - but it's been less than a week. I was skeptical of the people who were all "I lost two pounds in the first three days!" because really, if that's true? They're full of crap, one way or the other. I'm not doing this to lose weight, so that's a non-issue, but it was noteworthy. "Watch the pounds fly off!" Yeah, no. "You'll feel healthier and have more energy!" Well, if by 'healthier' they mean 'irritable as hell' and by 'energy' they mean 'enough rage-fueled aggression to go knock over a pizza delivery guy', then sure. "You'll sleep better!" Well, it's 2am and I'm wide awake so, not so much.

Mostly, I wanted to see if I could do it. Then it became a challenge. This is very akin to when I gave up caffeine. I dislike addiction and won't tolerate it, except for books, so at this point it's become a contest of wills between my 'goddamnit, woman! feed me bread products!' side and my stubborn, ornery side. Normally they are one and the same, so this is..interesting.

It is reaffirming my position that if I ever develop a wheat or milk intolerance, in addition to the meat intolerance, life will have become meaningless and devoid of joy.

Because holy gods in all the heavens, this sucks so fucking much I can barely stand it! And I could stop any time I want. There's no reason I have to do this. Except re: stubborn, ornery.

Nun punchery, more than just an emo band name.

comments

This shit only happens to me.

2011-10-24T21:24:58Z

And then I share it with you, Intardnetzwebz!

Last week sucked, and my birthday is coming up, so I bought myself a present - a couple pairs of very cheap "circle lenses". They're contact lenses with bigger iris diameter than normal, and they're all the rage in Asia to make eyes look "bigger". They looked fun and creepy, and they were cheap.

They arrived today. Apparently my eyeballs are small, or these were bigger than I thought, because on me, they almost look like full sclera lenses. Which is an awesome, unintended effect! The colours are so dark, you can't really see what colour they are even on my light grey eyes. Oh well. Freaky contacts = good. The "mirror" lenses I got are not much different than the "white-out" lenses I've had for ages, but whatev's.

So I have a pair of freaky big-eye lenses in. I am dressed in nothing but a towel, because I'm home alone and the towel was a concession to not dripping saline solution all over me.

There is a knock at the door. I'm expecting another package, so I rush to the door and open it. There's a nicely dressed young lady with an equally dressed young man standing next to her.

Her, beaming and excited: "Hi! Have you heard the good news?!"
She sees the contacts, and her smile starts to slip. The young man looks a little discomfited by my attire, or lack thereof.
Me: "Yes! The world didn't end in a firey ball of wreckage on Friday! It's awesome! I had a party on Saturday!"
Her: "I.. what? I'm sorry, I meant God's great good news. If you have a minute, we could come inside and .."

And at that point, my towel slipped free. I managed to pin it to my side, so they didn't get full frontal, but the tatas? They were all up in their faces. Thankfully, I have this congenital lack of shame.

Me: *calmly nodding* "Sure, I have a few minutes. Would you like to come in?"
Her: ".. Maybe we could.. come back another time when you're not..erm.. so indisposed. When would be a good time?"
Me: "Oh, well, let me think.. Today's Monday, so there's the sex therapy group tomorrow afternoon, an adult movie night on Wednesday, body frosting tasting on Thursday.. Friday? I think Friday's free; does that work for you?"
Her: *strangled* "Thankyouyeswe'llcomebacksomeothertime - thankyouagainforyourtime.. Icanleaveyouwithsomeliterature.." *frantically poking a Watchtower and some other pamphlet at me*
Me: *steps back; horrified look* "That's.. paper. Do you have it in electronic format?"
Her: "Nobutwereallymustgonowthankyousomuchforyourtime.."

And she and her cohort left. Not just my apartment, but the building.

Dear Neighbors: You're welcome!

comments

Filthy hipster mint thieves

2011-10-14T15:59:35Z

My debit card was hacked. The good news is that my bank's fraud detection department totally earned a raise this year - they caught it before I did and squashed all but the first charge. Sadly, this meant I had to rush to a bank last night to get a replacement temporary debit card, and will now have to change all my damn autopay information.

It was weird, how I found out. There was 'strange activity' on my account two weeks ago, stemming from my cat's ass cancer and the flurry of large amounts of money going into and then back out of my bank account, so they put a "watch" on it. Physical checks got paid, deposits were credited but not processed, and my debit card was put on lockdown. I haven't used it in awhile anyway, so I didn't notice. I needed to buy a rice cooker last night, so I logged into my bank account to check the balance and saw this retardedly small, weird charge.

"CHKCARD MICHAELRJORABurleyMTUS - $7.78"

I immediately called the bank. "Hey, we're glad you called. We tried to contact you, but your phone was off. We've locked your debit card because about $200 worth of fraudulent activity was logged yesterday.."

The only thing I did yesterday was pledge on a Kickstarter, which went through Amazon Payments, who have that debit card on file and I clicked 'Yes, I want to use card ending in ****'. Amazon sent a $1 charge, which I assume is one of those 'is this a legit card? it is. ok.' things, and minutes later, the $7.78 charge is listed, and minutes after that, the more expensive charges tried to get racked up but the bank stopped them.

It's a minor annoyance to replace the card and try to memorize another g'damn PIN, but what is really, really bugging me is..

WHAT THE FUCK DID THE THIEF BUY?!

$7.78 is such a weird amount! It had to be an online payment for something, because the actual debit card was in my possession. I tried to track down Michael R. Jorda(n) in Burley, Montana, but that doesn't seem to exist. Burley, Idaho does but it's actually nowhere near Montana. There's a Burley Mt. in Washington, but it doesn't look like anyone lives there, unless they are Grizzly Adams pioneer types and in that case - the fuck, they have internet? I could be wrong about the name. It could be Michael R. Jordache or Michael R. Jordalopski for all I know, but Jordan seems the most likely name.

I really, really want to know what it was the thief bought. I'd like it even better if I could track down this seller and get the item shipped to me, since I paid for it. Sadly, not being able to trace that name and location is seriously hampering my ability to accomplish this. I used to do skip traces for a living, so my inability to find this person is driving me fucking crazy.

A google search for the $7.78 amount tells me it could be any of the following:

AV cable for iPod.
3/16" Straight Router Bit.
Madhava Light Organic Agave Nectar (46 oz bottle).
Axe Shower Gel (Thai Massage).
SE Military (Prismatic) Lansatic Compass.
4-Pack 6 Foot HDMI Cables.
1 lb. Misty Mints.

Thus I conclude: THE THIEF IS CLEARLY A FUCKING HIPSTER!

An iPod-wearing, Agave Nectar sipping, minty breathed hipster who reeks of Axe Shower Gel (Thai Massage), never gets lost, & works with wood.

I object to the "Straight Router Bit". I hope it goes flamingly gay and tells him what terrible goddamn taste he has and that he fails at life.

(I secretly want the mints.)
(Not so much a secret now that I have told the entire goddamn internet.)

Today is Day 2 of Project MintStalk - the bank is waiting for the $7.78 charge to clear so they can do a traceback. They offered to refund. Said I want the mints. This confused the poor phone person, so I had to explain. That confused her even more.

Then I thought, maybe the thief needed them. Like, maybe he's protesting OccupyEverywhere somewhere and doesn't have a toothbrush, just his iPad.

I mean, you don't want disgusting breath when you're chanting outraged slogans at people. That's a total turn-off. They won't listen to you.

OK OK OK! So if this is a hipster, it's probably not an iPad, but some tablet I've proably never heard of. The fact remains: did not have toothbrush, needed mints.

Armed with only a tablet PC, the thief was forced to forage for himself (or herself) the only way they could - hacking my card to buy mints.

Sure, they could have pan handled, but that would infringe on their moral superiority while protesting banking handouts. Wouldn't want that.

But I still want those goddamn mints! Or whatever it was. It's almost better that I don't know. If I could get ahold of the seller and have it shipped to me, it'd be like a present! A present I bought myself but totally have no idea what it is! (contrary to popular belief, this doesn't actually happen to me as much as you'd think it might)

[edit]
Ishara: They'd want to be mints that give you superpowers for that price ;)
Me: Which means THE THIEF IS GETTING MY SUPERPOWER-GRANTING MINTS! Goddamn them! Goddamn them to hell! I WANT THOSE MINTS!
Ishara: Of course now the thief is a super-villain, and they have your superpower granting mints, so I hope you have a lotta gadgets

No! They don't have them yet! There is still time for me to track down MICHAELRJORDA!

Because if anyone is going to become a mint-powers-granted-supervillain, it is gonna be this girl right here!

AUUUGH!

comments