spookyevilone: (Default)
I love K.

"You can buy test tubes of wigglies on the internet. Gosh. That's, um.. just.. gosh."
"You can even pick which celebrity you want the person supplying the wiggiles to resemble."
"Gol-ly. I dunno even what to think of that. Superficial, I think is what I think. Is there a checkbox for 'healthy, happy, and preferably intelligent'?"
"Pfft. Like people wouldn't lie about that."
"Coz they don't lie about who they look like?"
"There are pictures, leaving it up to the ova-bearer to decide for herself."
"Oh. Hm."
"Do not even think of getting me a frozen test tube of wigglies for Giftmas, K."
"But you saiiiiid you wanted to buy one secondhand, and it'd be!"
"I want a secondhand baby, not the parts for a do-it-yourself kit!"
"Aww, I thought you said That Guy liked putting things together."
"Tell you what, if you get me a do-it-yourself Cylon baby kit, sure. If it's wigglies in a jar, you'd better just put those in your breakfast shake because I sure as heck don't want 'em."
"That'd be a very expensive protein add to my shake... I think it'd be better as a stocking stuffer for you."
"Dude, if there are wigglies in a stocking, the stocking better sure as hell be /yours/."

It took him a minute to catch the reference, and then he giggled so much he literally fell off his desk chair. And then he gravely reminded me that he's been snipped.

I did not inquire further as to the state of his socks.
spookyevilone: (Face)
There's a rather large flock of wild turkeys roaming the campus this year. They've been doing us a service by eating the mostly rotted Ginko fruit that's littered the lawn by the building I work in. Rotted Ginko fruit smells exactly like decomposing dog shit. Only you'd need a dog the size of a Triceratops to get a stench this big.

Driving in to work today, I had to stop and swipe my garage pass. One of the poults* hopped up on the hood of my truck, all 'Oh hai thar'. All I could think of was:


I turned on the wipers, the poult backed off but stayed on the hood. I tried to shoo it off, it ran to the other side of the hood and gave me a hurt look. So I got back in the truck and waited. As you do when there's a really stupid bird that has these on their feet:


Having worked with raptors*, I see talons and all I think of are the other raptors. The ones with claws like these on their feet:


I am not stupid enough to get in a confrontation with a bird that could seriously hurt me if it panics.

The Parking and Transit service dude, however, was not so smart. He came over and told me to move the truck.

"Can't. Turkey on the hood. I tried to shoo it off, but it's stubborn. It'll likely get bored in a few minutes and hop off."

"You have to move the truck now. You're blocking one of the entrances."

"There are three more right next to this one, and nobody's come in for the last ten minutes. I'm pretty sure I can give the dumb bird a few to get a move on."

"I'll scare it off the hood for you, then you can move the truck."

"That's a bad idea..you've already started to chase the turkey. Great."

So this guy tries to shoo the turkey. It runs to the other side of the hood. He runs around the front of the car to that side, yelling and clapping his hands and looking all manner of foolish. The bird just moves out of reach. Wash, rinse, repeat several times. I'm trying not to laugh, and I really regret that I didn't bust out the cell phone and get video.

The bird hunkered down and leaned forward. I heard the guy say something about it ready to fly and.. well, birds in that position? Flying isn't what they're about to do. Which the guy found out. He reached to try to startle the bird, and it let loose. And I do mean loose. Semi-liquid stress urea and feces, from a Ginko-laden diet, came out at force and hit the man's lower face, neck and chest. Thankfully, most of it did not land on my car. I had the windows up and the air wasn't on, and even so, I could still smell the horrendous stink he'd just been covered with. Only after, when the man was screaming obscenities and gagging and trying to clean his face off, did the bird hop off my truck and scamper off into the grass.

At that point, I couldn't move the truck because I was convulsed with hysterical laughter and gagging. I did manage to hand the man a roll of paper towels to help clean himself off.

And this, folks, is another reason why you don't harass the wildlife. Seven hours later, I'm still giggling.

* - a young turkey
* - birds of prey
spookyevilone: (keeses)
And then I share it with you, Intardnetzwebz!

Last week sucked, and my birthday is coming up, so I bought myself a present - a couple pairs of very cheap "circle lenses". They're contact lenses with bigger iris diameter than normal, and they're all the rage in Asia to make eyes look "bigger". They looked fun and creepy, and they were cheap.

They arrived today. Apparently my eyeballs are small, or these were bigger than I thought, because on me, they almost look like full sclera lenses. Which is an awesome, unintended effect! The colours are so dark, you can't really see what colour they are even on my light grey eyes. Oh well. Freaky contacts = good. The "mirror" lenses I got are not much different than the "white-out" lenses I've had for ages, but whatev's.

So I have a pair of freaky big-eye lenses in. I am dressed in nothing but a towel, because I'm home alone and the towel was a concession to not dripping saline solution all over me.

There is a knock at the door. I'm expecting another package, so I rush to the door and open it. There's a nicely dressed young lady with an equally dressed young man standing next to her.

Her, beaming and excited: "Hi! Have you heard the good news?!"
She sees the contacts, and her smile starts to slip. The young man looks a little discomfited by my attire, or lack thereof.
Me: "Yes! The world didn't end in a firey ball of wreckage on Friday! It's awesome! I had a party on Saturday!"
Her: "I.. what? I'm sorry, I meant God's great good news. If you have a minute, we could come inside and .."

And at that point, my towel slipped free. I managed to pin it to my side, so they didn't get full frontal, but the tatas? They were all up in their faces. Thankfully, I have this congenital lack of shame.

Me: *calmly nodding* "Sure, I have a few minutes. Would you like to come in?"
Her: ".. Maybe we could.. come back another time when you're not..erm.. so indisposed. When would be a good time?"
Me: "Oh, well, let me think.. Today's Monday, so there's the sex therapy group tomorrow afternoon, an adult movie night on Wednesday, body frosting tasting on Thursday.. Friday? I think Friday's free; does that work for you?"
Her: *strangled* "Thankyouyeswe'llcomebacksomeothertime - thankyouagainforyourtime.. Icanleaveyouwithsomeliterature.." *frantically poking a Watchtower and some other pamphlet at me*
Me: *steps back; horrified look* "That's.. paper. Do you have it in electronic format?"
Her: "Nobutwereallymustgonowthankyousomuchforyourtime.."

And she and her cohort left. Not just my apartment, but the building.

Dear Neighbors: You're welcome!
spookyevilone: (Default)
My godsdaughter is 5. I keep thinking she's 3 because I have no sense of time and she's still a wee little bug, and then I talk to her and wonder if she's secretly much older than her birth age. She started "real school" a month ago. She got sent home from Kindergarten today and it's my fault.

"So what happened today, kiddo? I heard you got in trouble."
"NO! I got sent home. I said a bad word."
"Uhoh. That sounds like trouble to me."
"NO! One of the boys in my class is a turd."
"Is that the word you said? Did you call him a turd to his face?"
"No, but I should have! He was meaning up on my friend."
"What'd you do?"
"I told the teacher."
"Did she stop the meaning?"
"Yes, and then we had to talk about why it was bad to mean on people and call them names."
".. What name did you call this turd person?"
"I didn't call him ANYTHING! That would be just as mean as he was, and *I* am not a turd!"
"No, you are not, and it's very awesome that you realize you shouldn't fight namecalling with more namecalling. Quit trying to kill me with curiousity, Bug. How'd the bad word come into play?"
"Welllll, the teacher made us all talk about why it was bad to mean on people, everyone in a circle, and when she came to me I said it was bad to mean on people but maybe turdface - I didn't call him that! I used his name! Honest! But he IS a turdface, really - I said maybe he didn't try to be bad but really just felt small and hurtful inside because he had a small penis and had to mean on other people to make himself feel big and important."
".. You got sent home for saying 'penis'?"
"No. Got sent home for arguing with the teacher, cuz she says it's a bad word and I wanted to know what I should call a penis, then. She sent me into the hall and then she called Mama."
"She says this is my fault?"
"Cuz when Mama asked me why I said that, I said cuz you said that about the man who yelled at Mama that one time and when I asked what was wrong with his penis that you would say sorry to him about it, Mama said you meant it was small. He was a big man, though, and not a little boy, so I thought maybe it was a birth defect and he had been teased about it and it made him mean to people cuz he felt all bad inside his ownself. Isn't that what you meant?"
"..Can I say yes because your version is much nicer than what I meant when I said it?"
"No, because you're not a liar. So you should tell me if that's not what you meant."
"That's not what I meant, Bug. The man said a bad word about my friend, so I insulted him back, which wasn't very nice of me. I'm not always such a nice person, especially when someone means up on my friends. You're more awesome than me, and you should stay that way forever."
"Oh. But you were not-mean enough to not use a swearword at him, which is pretty awesome for you that you remembered I was there enough to not say a *really* bad word at him. You just said 'penis', which isn't a bad word, even though my teacher thinks it is. Why does she? I don't get it."
"I think she just means you shouldn't be talking about other people's penises in class."
"Well I can't talk about MINE! I don't HAVE a penis!"
"You sound awfully sure of that."
"I don't! And I tried to pee standing up like Daddy when I was little and even you said I had to sit down to pee because I was a girl, and girls don't have penises so I can't have a penis, because I'm a girl!"
"I said you had to sit down because otherwise you'd pee all over the seat."
"BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE A PENIS AND COULDN'T AIM! You said that, and you know you said that!"
"Alright, fair enough. You don't have a penis. Not even a really really small one."
"See?! I TOLD you! And it wouldn't be small because I am not all hateful inside, so if I DID have a penis, I'd have a really BIG one! But I'm a girl, so I guess I have to have a vagina instead. I think they only come in one size, vaginas. Nobody ever says 'Sorry about your small vagina'."
"No, but now I'm filing that one away."
"AUNT T! You don't get to say sorry about someone's vagina!"
"I don't?"
"NO! .. Because when I'm big enough to tell off mean big people, I'm gonna say it to them and it won't be new if you start while I'm still a little kid! No vaginas, Aunt T!"
"Ok. No vaginas. Can I still use 'sorry about your penis'?"
"Until a teacher tells you not to, I guess. Kinda wish one would. Then you could tell them they're stupid for thinking a doctor word is a bad word."

Her Mom: "What the HELL are you two talking about?!" And then she took the phone away.

Apparently E. got sent home for being "disruptive" because she got into a discussion with the teacher about what to call a penis, if "penis" was a bad word, and the discussion apparently involved a lot of "Stop saying that!" and "Why can't I..?" Really, the teacher's had E. in her class for a month now. She should know better by now.

Kel and I got into an argument whether it was my fault for saying the 'sorry about your penis' line in front of E., or whether it was Kel's fault for explaining what I meant by it. I'm happy to take the blame on this one, though.

tl;dr - My godsdaughter is made of win and kittens, and I am doing my job.
spookyevilone: (Default)
S: I do not need more banana bread.
T: Yes you do.
T: Because I don't have any, and must vicariously enjoy it through you.
S: HEE!
S: But I already had two slices today!
T: No such thing as too much warm banana bread, S.
T: Quit being a fucking philistine and go have a piece of bread.
S: hahahah
S: Wait, how does me not eating bread make me a philistine?
T: You are undervaluing the beauty that is the perfection of banana bread.
S: hahahahahaha
T: YOU ASKED!
S: I thought you were implying I was a descendant of an Aegean tribesman, which would just not be cool at all.
S: I mean, Aegeans, really?
T: Would I do that to you?!
T: I mean, really. Aegeans?!
S: That's what I said!

Cut/pasted from the IM log.
spookyevilone: (Default)
Mel gets a pass. I don't know why; possibly because she likes Care Bears. Or because I like her more than I like you. Or because you have kept this particular aspect of yourself on the dl and I highly appreciate the ignorance you have left me in. Also possibly because I would be surprised if Mel was /not/.

"I started watching My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.."
"Do not tell me of your filthy, perverse deviance."
"I only watch it for the stories!"
"Which line is it that men have been using to justify their porn for as long as men have been able to find porn in convenient, take-home packages? I forget."
"No, really!"
"You could let this whole subject drop right now and retain some dignity. But I know you won't."
"It's awesome!"
"Yes. I am filled with awe that adult males, formerly believed to be members of the human race, watch a cartoon about giddy ponies."
"Oh, so now we're subhuman?! Harsh, dude!"
"Ah, so .. you don't call yourself a 'brony'?"
".... ..... IT'S JUST A NAME!"
"I see I was right on the money with the dignity comment."
"Only because you feel the need to mock a sweet TV show."
"Funny; I thought I was mocking you."
"For watching a TV show."
"Hm, and here I thought it was because you don't seem to grasp 'do not tell me' and 'you could let the whole subject drop' as indications of which direction I'd prefer the conversation went."
"I thought that no meant yes."
".... This is me, letting you think about what you just said."
"Not like that! I meant, I thought you were being tetchy just to get a rise out of me about a show I like."
"Wait - you like Babylon 5."
"Don't even go there!"
"Oh, I'm not.. but JMS also brought about He-Man, She-Ra and The Real Ghostbusters, so it ties in rather nicely to your creepy cartoon fetish."
"Why do you know that? You can't hate him that much."
"Have you met me? Anyway, putting aside the issue of whether or not I could hate him that much - I don't hate him. I do my research - when I say 'Such and such sucks', I like to be prepared with cites that make my opinion understandable to raging fanthings."
"I am not a raging fanthing!"
"'Brony'?"
"SHUT UP!"

At that point, the subject was, thankfully, changed to the much less controversial topic of whether the Oslo Bomber Dude wore boxers, briefs, or went commando.
spookyevilone: (Default)
Them: "It sucks that you're out of work, but now you have time to play Warcraft!!!"
Me: "Why on earth would I want to do that?"
Them: "Because it's the coolist thang evar!"
Me: "I stopped playing with little metal figurines when I was 11. I'm pretty sure it wasn't cool even then."
Them: "..What?"
Me: "Warcraft: That annoying D&D clone game where you play an orc or an elf or a ninja or some shit and go on quests for gold and fight shit, right?"
Them: "You're thinking WarHAMMER, not WarCRAFT!"
Me: "Explain to me the difference?"
Them: "Warcraft is an ONLINE game.."
Me: "Where you..?"
Them: "Create a character and.."
Me: "Character of what race?"
Them: "Oh, you can be anything! You can be a Night Elf, a Blood Elf, a Human, a Dwarf, a Goblin.."
Me: "Failing to see the difference."
Them: "But you can be like, a Paladin, a Rogue, a Hunter.."
Me: "Failing. To. See. Difference."
Them: "Warhammer's NOT COOL! Warcraft is SO COOL!"
Me: "Why?"
Them: "Warhammer's played by fat drooling troglodytes still living in their parent's basement. Warcraft is played ONLINE!"
Me: "Where 99.9999999% of the people are pasty, drooling troglodytes with no social skills or the ability to spell.. and probably still living with their parents because they're not old enough for an apartment of their very ownliest."
Them: "Not all the internet is bad!"
Me: "Most of it is a cesspool. You're still failing to convince me of this game."
Them: "You can be either Alliance or Horde!"
Me: "So a class breakdown of good vs. evil?"
Them: "..Sorta? But not really."
Me: "Then what's the point?"
Them: "You want to be Horde. Horde are teh kewliest. Alliance are for newbs!"
Me: "Everyone keeps saying that to me. What the hell do I want to have to do with a bunch of late-period horse riding nomads from northern China?"
Them: "Late .. period.. horse..ridi..Not The Great Horde! The HORDE!"
Me: "I'm pretty sure that's still late period for me."
Them: "ARGH! YOU ARE HURTING MY BRAIN!"
Me: "It's called 'thinking'."
Them: "You'd like the game if you tried it! There's so much cool stuff to do, like raids.."
Me: "Can I go around killing the characters of morons who can't spell?"
Them: "Not cool, man!"
Me: "How is that not cool?! Ridding the world of intertron giblets who cannot use even a modicum of proper English seems like it'd be a benefit to the online society!"
Them: "Still! Not cool. PK'ing is bad form."
Me: "So there's this game, online, that's just like every other D&D clone that's come out in the last thirty or so years, played by the same type of people, with the same type of plots, only it's online so you can't actually see the person, just their avatar, and I can't even kill the stupid ones? And this is.. fun?"
Them: "Yeah! There's all sorts of levels. I have a Level 70 Wizard and.."
Me: "Oh gods, you're not about to bore me with how cool your character is, are you? Because if you start, I will seriously ban you and never talk to you again. Ever. EVER!"
Them: ..."No, of course not. That would be lame. But there's all sorts of neat things to unlock as you level up, like armour and pets and rides and stuff.."
Me: "So it's like D&D meets Neopets?"
Them: "NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT! The pets aren't like, Tamagotchi pets.."
Me: "Still not seeing the appeal."
Them: "You're making my brain explode! Physically explode!"
Me: "Get it on video!"
Them: "Anyway.. you can join a guild to play with other people, but don't worry, I can introduce you to some really cool people.."
Me: "Who.. also play this game?"
Them: "Well, yeah."
Me: "'Really cool'?"
Them: "Be nice!"
Me: ".. Have you met me?"
Them: "NO MAKING THE GUILD MEMBERS CRY, PEREGRINE!"
Me: ".. Have. you. met. me?"
Them: "... Maybe I can find another guild for you."
Me: "It's cute, how you assume I'm ever going to play this game."
Them: "I still think you'd like it if you tried it!"
Me: "If I had a nickel for every time a guy said that to me and was wrong, I could move to Barbados and live in splendor."
Them: "Anyway.. I can get you a free trial so you can check it out.."
Me: "Are there zombies?"
Them: "There are liches!"
Me: "Can I be a lich?"
Them: ".. No."
Me: "Not interested."
Them: "Well, you can't be a zombie in L4D either!"
Me: "CAN TOO!"
Them: "NOT IN THE SINGLE PLAYER VERSION!"
Me: "No, but if I was going to play a game online, that'd be the one, and I could be a zombie and kill people."
Them: "But what's the fun in that? You just run around killing zombies. You don't get to go on quests or raids or.."
Me: "Seriously, listen to yourself."
Them: "ARGH! I QUIT YOU! YOU HAVE NO CONCEPT OF FUN!"

I maintain I have a perfectly reasonable concept of fun. Malicious, brain explody fun.
spookyevilone: (Default)
Me: "Poisonous plants shouldn't be eaten."
That Guy: "All plants should be eaten. Some by friends, some by enemies."

Went to the arboretum today. Walked. Walked some more. Walked still more. Did not get to Mordor. Also did not begin forming my tiny, adorable robot army, though it was a near thing.
spookyevilone: (Default)
Before I had Current!Job, I did some temp work via various staffing agencies and for various recruiters. Some were fantastic and kept me employed in a crashed out market, and others weren't worth spit. I knew one was a bad deal when I went to an interview and the questions being asked were a hiring metric I had written five years prior when I worked for an executive search firm. There are stock questions that get asked. I'm not the most mature individual and am definitely not above messing with recruiters who are wasting my time with bad interviews. Keep in mind - the below answers are things I have personally, actually said, usually in a chipper, perky, smiling, and enthusiastic manner. (and that mental image alone is probably enough to send anyone who knows me spluttering into laughter.)

Examples:Longish )
spookyevilone: (Default)
Nephew: How do you spell 'women'?
Me: Wombyn
Nephew: ... No. Way.
Me: Well, I don't, but apparently there are women who are determined to take the 'men' out of the word.
Nephew: That's stupid.
Me: I agree. It's actually spelled 'women'.
Nephew: (To dad) Dad, did you know some women are spelling it 'wombyn'?
Brother: Yeah. That's why I just call 'em 'broads'.
Nephew: *hysterical laughter* Oh, you're so dead.
Brother: .. You're on the phone with Aunt [Peregrine], aren't you?
Nephew: Uh huh
Brother: Then I'd like to get a postscript in - I would never, not even under torture, ever actually refer to any fine double-x-bearing creature in any manner that would imply disrespect for her inherently divine nature. So please ask her to stop yelling at me.
Nephew: She's not yelling at you.
Brother: Oh, child of mine, yes, she most definitely is.
Nephew: No..? I'm on the phone and she's just listening, not saying anything..
Brother: See?! She's yelling at me with the power of her mind alone! I.. feel the urge to.. go send.. someone flowers.. and .. chocolates.. *door slams*
Nephew: .. He's so weird. You weren't yelling at him. Why did he think you were?
Me: Hypnotic conditioning. I have all my siblings well trained.
Nephew: My family is so weird!
Me: Is that a good or a bad thing?
Nephew: It's a great thing!
spookyevilone: (Default)
1. Referring to boss as 'Yo, Big Man!'
2. Use alphabet soup in the form of 'Yo, Big Man! Got the 411 on the QBR, FTW!'
3. ... Especially not when the CEO is in his office. Even if he thought it was funny.
4. Referring to Bitchy!Paralegal as a Mucking 4-on out loud.
5. Humming of Disturbed songs.
6. Humming of It's A Small World.
7. Singing of It's A Small World.
8. Replace the decaf office tea with yerba matte ever again.
9. ... Even if noone but me drinks it.
10. ... ESPECIALLY if noone but me drinks it.
10. Give the office machinery names.
11. ... and then argue with them.
12. Telling one of the V.P.'s that his tie is a festering, obnoxious eyesore that should be burned as an aesthetic blight.
13. Express that one of the attorneys was looking 'particularly gangster'. (as in Capone, not Snoop Dawg)
14. Print out swine flu office mandates on paper with festive smiling pink pigs around the border.
15. Suggest a particularly impressionable fellow employee lick a handful of Purell hand sanitizer.
16. Have an air war with cans of compressed air.
17. Addend the "Have you washed your hands?" signs in the bathroom with "Because if you didn't, you're on the side of TERRORISTS and likely to catch and spread SWINE FLU!" and another smiling piggy border.
18. Punch keys on the copier to make them beep in the tune of Jingle Bells.
19. Threaten to 'go Office Space' on the fax machine.
20. Have zombie pandemic magazine covers leftover from the Haunted House hung on walls of cube.
21. Fall anywhere inconvenient, like on the brand new multipurpose office machine.
22. Change coworker's password to a swearword.
23. ... Or anyone else's password.
24. Respond in Russian with Cyrillic font to annoying corporate surveys.
25. Suggest that everybody disco when the emergency response strobe lights go off. (Remember the impressionable coworker? Yeah.)
26. Respond to a third-party request from Bitchy!Paralegal with "OFF WITH HER HEAD!"
27. Hopscotch on the shuffleboard area.
28. ... Encourage others to hopscotch on the shuffleboard area.
29. ..... Especially not during a vendor orientation tour.
30. IM my boss with things that will make him laugh during a conference call.
31. ...Even if they weren't meant to be funny.
32. Refer to an evil murdering bastard out loud as an evil murdering bastard, even if he is.
33. Threaten to invade Audit floor with silly string and a parade of clowns if they don't finalize my document request in a reasonable amount of time.
34. Wear scent that makes me smell like "a pastry".
35. Build voodoo dolls of people I don't like with malleable erasers and stick them full of T-pins.
36. Chant. Ever.
37. Tilt the bad, tacky art on the walls ever so slightly to see who straightens it.
38. Colour code an online time chart with neon and blink tags and marquee scrolling text.
39. Use 5pt font. Ever.
40. Forcibly switch Boss to caffeine free diet coke.
41. ... Even if his wife tells me to.
42. Decline meeting invites with "Likely to cause bowel irritation" as the comment.
43. Decline meeting invites due to pressing bocce ball commitments.
44. Amuse self by changing speed on transcription machine to 145% so attorneys sound like Chipmunks.
45. Throw horns when we do something cool.
46. Distract department with pictures of precious white and yellow bitty bats.
47. Mime conversations with the window washers outside.
48. Use the page function on the phone for nefarious purposes.
49. Use any other office gadget for nefarious purposes.
50. Bring in my own gadgetry specifically for the purpose of engaging in nefarious purposes.

.. It's gonna be a loooooooooooooooong week.
spookyevilone: (Default)
NO, I AM NOT PREGNANT. I'm a midwife, so this is something I've put some thought into. God hates me, so at some point, I'll probably be inflicted with a symbiote of my very own. That thought has become much less abhorrent in recent years, directly a fault of the secondary gene donor presumptive. I have a friend who's about to pop, and figured this might be amusing.

1. I didn't experiment with drugs as an angsty teen, I am not starting now.
2. Get near my spine with a needle, I will put it in. your. eye.
3. HeeHeeHeeHaaaaah MY ASS MOTHERF*CKER. Don't tell me how to breathe. I've been doing it since my own birth. I bloody well know how.
4. Birthquakes have never, in the history of ever, caused death. Pissing me off while I'm in labour has an incredibly high risk of causing death and dismemberment.
5. Mucous plugs are fun to play with.
6. So is afterbirth. You can blow it up like a meat balloon.
7. Laying on back, feet in stirrups is absolutely not "natural" in childbirth. I will stand, squat, kneel, crouch, get on all fours, or twist myself into a friggin' pretzel if that's what feels comfortable to me. My body, my baby. Don't like it? GTFO.
8. NPO = NO NO NO. Since nobody's getting near me with anesthesia, there's no reason to restrict my chowing. And really, in what world is it a good idea to have me in pain and not able to bite something?
9. If there's a C-section or episiotomy involved, it better be over my or my baby's DYING BODY. Quite literally, death first. I don't necessarily mean mine or the sprog's.
10. "Pit" is not short for Pitocin. It is short for "PIT OF HELL" - and that is exactly where I will put you if you so much as bring it into the room.


Disclaimer: These are rules for me. Not anyone else. If you want to co-opt them, go for it. I certainly don't expect anyone to make these choices.

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spookyevilone

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