spookyevilone: (Default)
A coworker brought her 3 week old baby, who was born 6 weeks early and is still in the wee!tiny!protobaby stage in to work today. My uterus now has cute baby cooties.

Uterus: You could have one of those, you know.
Me: NO! ICKY AND BAD!
Uterus: But she's so cuuuuute! And snuggly! And tiny and did I mention the cute part?
Me: 9 months of utter hell with a symbiote peeing inside me, nausea, swollen ankles, migraines, and did I mention the PEEING INSIDE ME PART? Culminating in many hours of pain and a splorch noise, with something that will definitely not be this cute for awhile on the other end of it.
Uterus: So cute and snuggly! And in only 9 months.. well, really, 7 if you want one that size.. you too could have one!
Me: NO! Shopping at the used baby store! Skipping everything up to and past 'toilet trained', 'can talk', and 'has a personality'!
Uterus: It would haaaveee diiiimmmmpllleeess..
Me: No! Fuck. You!
Uterus: Exactly. Now, if you'd just..
Me: NO NO NO NO NO! They're only cute and cuddly when they're visiting! It's part of the baby conspiracy to make people want to have one. They're actually vile little plague bearing shit machines. We can go visit cute babies. We don't need to make one.
Uterus: Wouldn't pregnancy be worth it, to have one of these?
Me: No. I can buy one used and skip the pregnancy part.
Uterus: It would be small and sweet and ..
Me: Have you met me? You really think anything with half my genetic code would be somehow less than Machiavellian? I'll grant you the 'small' part.
Uterus: .. SMALL AND CUTE!
Me: EVIL, GROSS, DISGUSTING, PLAGUE-BEARING, PUKING SHIT MACHINE!
Uterus: You know I don't really need your permission, right?
Me: You need my cooperation, and I'm not above soldering my cervix shut. Have you witnessed my pain tolerance? I could totally do that.
Uterus: Well, if you can take the pain, then why not..?
Me: The pain part isn't the part I have a problem with. We did this once before, remember? It wasn't fun. We agreed we weren't going to do this again.
Uterus: But they're so small and cute!
Me: So are the cats, and we didn't have to give birth to those.
Uterus: .. can we have a kitten?
Me: NO!

*sigh* Cooties.

No, it will not be different "when it's my own", no it will never be "a magical, miraculous experience!" - I have absolutely no rose tinted glasses or mystery about the preggo/birth process nor my experience with it. God hates me, so it will probably happen someday, and if so, so be it, but I've kind of made it a goal to thwart god on this one. Until they invent uterine replicators and I can grow my blastocyst to maturation in a jar, no, no, a thousand times no.

PSA

Jul. 25th, 2009 11:17 pm
spookyevilone: (Default)
Today Sponges are back on the market. Mayer bought them. The outward packaging has changed, but the inside packaging just has a Mayer info sticker over the old company's.

I intend to go on a shopping spree tomorrow and stockpile these things as though I had a hoarding disorder. Because in this instance, I completely do. These things are worth their weight in platinum.

And now that y'all know more about my reproductive choices than you probably wanted to.. go forth and stockpile!

For those tilting their heads, who have not seen Seinfeld, the sponges go off the market every so often, because the companies keep going under or getting bought out by another. This causes massive angst amongst us double-x's, and there is much wailing and gnashing of teeth and a huge black market begins. Seriously, a 3-pack will sell on Ebay for over $100. And people will bid well over that. Since I don't love my uterus enough to pay that for birth control, this time, I'll either be one of the lucky people able to dole them out to the eager masses.. or the company won't go under and the market will drop out from under them, leaving me with a lifetime supply. Win-win, so 'tis.

Yay!

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